David Hoyle Humor Blog

Toy Yoda Recall Announced

Mar 5th, 2010 by dhoyle

WASHINGTON — Citing numerous safety hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of 1.5 million Chinese-made Yoda action figures.

Government "Forces" Recall

The plastic action figures depicting the beloved Star Wars character contain numerous detachable small parts, posing a choking hazard to young children.

The toy Yodas can also cause lacerations, contusions, or loss of eyesight if thrown, and have been found to accelerate uncontrollably when used with model rocket engines. They also can cause burns if doused with lighter fluid and ignited.

Dangerous, I am

The toy Yodas contain high concentrations of lead, which could lead to brain damage if the toy is sucked on for prolonged periods.

Anthrax spores have been found in the toy’s packaging materials.

The Yoda action figures also contain elevated levels of Bisphenol A (BPA), which has been linked to reproductive problems and increased risk of cancer or diabetes, and were manufactured with an unstable plastic polymer that may cause the toy to burst into flame when placed in direct sunlight.

The toy Yodas are for external use only, can be harmful if swallowed, and should not be taken internally. They may cause hair loss, halitosis, vomiting, stomach cramps, and internal bleeding. Women who think they may be pregnant should not handle crushed or broken toy Yodas. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours while using a toy Yoda action figure, call your doctor.

Posted in Business, News | No Comments »

Hearing Disorder Named After Sarah Palin

Feb 9th, 2010 by dhoyle

WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the Washington Hearing Affliction Testing (WHAT) center today announced that a new hearing disorder, “palinitus,” has been named after conservative political figure Sarah Palin.

Politician and affliction

More than 50 million Americans are now believed to suffer from palinitus, which is somewhat similar to tinnitus, but is generally much more severe. Palinitus may be an intermittent sound or an annoying continuous sound in one or both ears. Its pitch can go from a low roar to a high squeal or whine.

What Causes Palinitus?

Please...make it stop...

Most palinitus comes from damage to the microscopic endings of the hearing nerve in the inner ear, and is caused by repeated exposure to the loud, desperate bleatings of failed political candidates. The health of these nerve endings is important for acute hearing, and injury to them brings on hearing loss and often palinitus.

Where's the Off button on this thing?

If you are a conservative who frequently watches Fox news or television coverage of Tea Party conventions, you will likely suffer a certain amount of hearing nerve impairment and palinitus. Even for moderates and liberals, exposure to loud political noise is probably the leading cause of palinitus, and often damages hearing and destroys brain cells.

How is Palinitus Treated?

At least for now, there appears to be no cure for palinitus. It may simply go away on its own, or it may be a permanent disability that palinitus sufferers will have to “live with.” Doctors recommend the following measures to reduce the intensity of palinitus:

Avoid watching television, or at least Fox news.
Utilize masking noise. Palinitus is usually more bothersome when the surroundings are quiet, especially when you are in bed. A competing sound such as a ticking clock, a radio, or a Tea Party convention attended by loud, raving lunatics may help mask palinitus.
Wear ear plugs, earmuffs, or silly colonial wigs to help reduce noise.

"I'm completely insane!"

Posted in Medicine, News, Politics, Science | No Comments »

Toyota Unveils New Advertising Slogans

Jan 28th, 2010 by dhoyle

NEW YORK — Seeking to make the best out a bad situation, Toyota today unveiled several new advertising slogans.

Toyota. Stick with us.

Toyota has recently been forced to recall 5.3 million vehicles to fix a problem in which the gas pedal can become caught on the edge of the removable floormat. That problem can cause the vehicle to accelerate uncontrollably.

In an attempt to stress the positive aspects of what has quickly become a public relations nightmare, Toyota will use the following new slogans in its advertising campaigns:

Toyota. Moving forward. Really fast.
Toyota. Uncontrollable excitement.
Toyota. Nothing can stop us.
Toyota. Expect the unexpected.
Toyota. No holding back.
Toyota. Unstoppable performance.
Oh what a feeling! Of complete terror!
I love what you do for me, Toyota! (personal injury attorney)
Ask someone who crashed one.
The best built cars in the world. Except for the gas pedal.
Hey, at least the airbags worked!

Posted in Business, News | 1 Comment »

New Credit Card Fees for Non-Cardholders

Jan 13th, 2010 by dhoyle

NEW YORK (CNN) — We’re a little over a month away from sweeping credit card reform. Credit card issuers have been preparing for the loss of revenue by introducing new fees and policies. Not satisfied with charging “inactivity” fees to cardholders who don’t use their credit cards, banks are now charging fees to people who don’t even HAVE a credit card.

More Fees

credit_card_fees

Here’s what’s going on: For months, issuers have raised credit card rates to usurious levels and added fees at a dizzying pace. Having bled their cardholders dry, a growing number are starting to tack on new card fees for non-cardholders.

In June, First Second Bank began charging non-cardholders a $19 fee for not having a First Second credit card. There are also variations on this non-cardholder fee, such as “quasi-non-cardholder” fees. Citigreed has a policy where if it’s more likely that a non-cardholder will apply for a card within the next 6 months — which is determined by guessing — they will be charged a “potential cardholder” fee up to $90, as well as a $39 pre-application fee.

Bill Owen, who is not currently a Citigreed cardholder, recently received a $129 bill from Citigreed. “I never even signed up for a credit card with them, and now they’re sending me a bill,” said Owen. “And they even said they’ll charge me a late fee if I don’t pay within 15 days. How is that fair? I didn’t even BUY anything!” Concerned with a possible negative effect on his credit rating, Owen plans to pay the bill immediately despite his outrage.

Bank of Americans will start experimenting with new non-cardholder annual fees from $29 – $99, which will be charged to people randomly selected from telephone directories and voter registration lists. Citigreed now has a policy where credit card non-holders who pay late must pay a reinstatement fee in order to redeem accumulated rewards points, and may be physically harmed. And you may be charged for eating, drinking, sleeping, going to the bathroom — even for breathing. For simply existing.

Consumers Beware

Read every letter that comes from a credit card issuer! These changes may come buried in fine print. Experts we talk to say that you may be receiving a lot of promotional APR deals, as well as death threats. These promotional offers will lure you in with low rates for a limited amount of time, and your family members will be threatened. But then, at the end of the promotional period, you may be subject to an interest rate that’s much higher than the original offer, and your family members will be killed anyway. The takeaway here is before you sign up for a promotional card, make sure you can pay off your balance in full before the intial offer expires, and be prepared for the loss of your entire family.

Pay Up — Or Else

Vic Dim recently received a credit card offer from Citigreed that included a “mandatory acceptance” clause. “It said that if I didn’t accept the offer, I could get seriously hurt,” said Dim. “I thought it was some kind of a joke, so I just threw it away. But a couple of days later, these two huge Citigreed customer service reps came to my apartment and beat the living crap out of me.” Dim said that the customer service representatives then took $129 dollars from his wallet to cover a “card activation” fee, and warned him “not to let anything like this happen again.” Dim was later transported the hospital, where he accrued ambulance and emergency room treatment fees totalling $1987. “But I did earn 50 rewards points,” said Dim.

Posted in Business | No Comments »

Underwear Bomber Is Not Funny, Experts Say

Dec 31st, 2009 by dhoyle

(CNN) — In the wake of the “Underwear Bomber” attack — in which an alleged terrorist unsuccessfully tried to detonate his explosive underwear on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit — leading counter-terrorism experts and sociologists agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about the incident.

No luggage, paid cash, Dad warned American embassy. Red flags? What red flags?

“Three hundred people nearly lost their lives, so there’s certainly nothing to joke about,” said Richard Hertz, a senior official with the Department of Homeland Security. “For example, it would be completely inappropriate to refer to the explosive device as ‘Fruit of Ka-Boom,’ or to use the phrase ‘Great Balls of Fire’ to describe the attempted detonation.”

“This story obviously involves the fusion of classic comedic elements — namely, underpants and explosives — and would seem to be ripe for the cathartic release that humor can provide in coping with difficult or frightening situations,” says social behaviorist Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Mind, Self, and Society: I’ll Make My Students Buy This Book. But it also involves terrorism, which has been forbidden territory for jokes ever since 9-11. You just don’t go there.”

Fruit of the Boom

One aspiring stand-up comic — who did not wish to be identified — found out the hard way. “I was at a party the other night when in walks my friend Chris, who happens to be Nigerian, just like the Underwear Bomber. So I go up to him and say, ‘Hey Chris, is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ Chris just looked at me like I was insane, and everyone was like, ‘Not cool, man. Not cool.’ So obviously at that point I forgot about trying my ‘Molotov Crotch-Fail’ routine.”

According to experts, the following comedic words and phrases should be avoided at all costs when discussing the Underwear Bomber:

Fruit of Ka-Boom
Victoria’s Secret Weapon
BVD TNT
Cannon Balls
Explosive “Package”
Great Balls of Fire
Projectile Dysfunction
Battle of the Bulge
Crotch Rocket
Trouser Howitzer
Jock Wave
Jock and Awe
Pant Payload
Bum Blast
Smoking Gun
Jocked and Loaded
Molotov Crotchtail
Pipe Bomb
Plasdick Explosive
Trouser Torpedo
IED (Improvised Explosive Drawers)
IED (Improvised Explosive Diaper)
IED (Improvised Explosive Depends)
Is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Defense attorneys have asked Dr. Downer for help in defending the Underwear Bomber, Nigerian national Umar Heylook Atthebombinmyunderpants. “They’re trying to erect a defense, but in my opinion they’re flying by the seat of their pants,” said Downer. “At any rate, I’ve agreed to file a pair of briefs. No pun intended.”

Posted in News | 1 Comment »

Amish Nuclear Heaters

Dec 18th, 2009 by dhoyle

Amish mantle and miracle nuclear heater help home heat bills hit rock bottom

Nuclear heaters being given away free with orders for real Amish nuclear fireplace mantles to announce the invention that helps slash heat bills, but Amish craftsmen under strain of early Christmas rush and radiation sickness force household limit of 2

Save money: uses long-lasting nuclear fuel, so turn down your thermostat and never be cold again

By Adam Splidder — ESL Media Syndicate

Jedediah puts the finishing touches on a nuclear heater

Careful with that reactor, Jedediah.

(EMS) Everyone hates high heat bills. But we’re all sick and tired of simply turning down the thermostat and then being cold.

Well now, the popular NUKE SURGE^® miracle heaters are actually being given away free to the general public for the next 7 days starting at precisely 8:00 a.m. today.

This is all happening to announce the NUKE SURGEHeat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace which actually rolls from room-to-room radiating heat so you can turn down your thermostat and take the heat with you anywhere. That way, everyone who gets them first can immediately start saving on their heating bills.

Just in time for winter weather, free portable Amish nuclear fireplaces are being delivered directly to the doors of all those who beat the deadline.

This is not just some guy dressed up in Amish attire. It's a real Amish guy. No, seriously. And they're working in a genuine Amish Quonset hut.

These remarkable fireplaces are being called a miracle because they have what’s being called the Atomic Flame™ patented technology that gives you the peaceful flicker of a real atomic chain reaction but without any flames, fumes, smells, ashes, or mess. Everyone is getting them because they require no chimney and no vent. You don’t even have to plug them in.

The Atomic Flame looks so real it amazes everybody because it has no real fire. The heat radiation penetrates deep into your body tissues to give you a warm glow all over, even if you are in a different room, or upstairs, or down in the basement, or outside. So what’s the catch? How can we afford to give away free Amish nuclear heaters?

The Amish are known for their kindness and humble pride in a job well done. They separate themselves from mainstream society and are recognized for their plain clothing, avoidance of modern conveniences, and superior craftsmanship. Holmes County, Ohio is home to one of the largest population of Amish in the world. So we rounded up every last one of them and put them in forced labor camps. That way, we don’t have to pay them, and we can pass the savings along to you!

"It is the Lord's will that we are forced to toil long hours each day, endlessly polishing fireplace mantles in some sort of wooden Quonset hut."

"It is the Lord's will that we are forced to toil long hours each day, endlessly polishing nuclear fireplace mantles in some sort of wooden Quonset hut."

But even with slave labor the demand for these miracle heaters is so great that the soft-spoken Amish craftsmen who are forced at gunpoint to hand-build the mantles cannot keep up. And the radiation sickness isn’t helping, either. So we must enforce a strict household limit of 2 to keep up with orders.

“We can barely keep up ever since we started giving heaters away free. With winter just around the corner, everyone’s trying to get them. Enslaved Amish craftsmen are working their fingers to the bone to be sure everyone gets their delivery in time for Christmas,” confirms Henry Himmler, National Shipping Director. “And this is with regular beatings and torture. But I guess I could threaten to kill their families or something.”

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China coast. Each NUKE SURGE heater uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE. It produces an amazing 5,000,000,000 BTUs on the high setting, and is hotter than the surface of the sun. Take that, Old Man Winter! An on-board powerful hi-tech heat turbine silently forces incredibly hot radioactive plasma out into the room so you feel the bone-melting heat instantly. It even has certification of Undertested Laboratories coveted UL listing and comes with a full 30-day Money Back Guarantee.

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China. It uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is FREE!

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China. It uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE!

And here’s the best part. Readers who beat the 7-day order deadline are getting their imported hi-tech miracle atomic heaters free when encased in the Amish slave-labor-built real wood fireplace mantles. You just can’t find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores. That makes the mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight million dollars since the entire cost of the nuclear heater is free.

How to get 2 free heaters

The National Toll Free Hotlines are now open. Use the map below to locate the zone you live in and call the Hotline number for your zone.

United States temperature zones

EVERYONE IN ZONE	EVERYONE IN ZONE	EVERYONE IN ZONE
"Cold if you're a wuss"	"Pretty Freaking Cold"	"Really Freaking Cold"
START CALLING AT	START CALLING AT	START CALLING AT
8:00 AM TODAY	8:30 AM TODAY	9:00 AM TODAY
1-866-555-1234	1-866-555-5678	1-866-555-4321

Be sure to call the correct number at the correct time, because if you call the wrong number at the wrong time, we’ll send a couple of non-Amish guys to your house to beat the living crap out of you. And you won’t get your heater.

Please don’t delay. People are flocking to take advantage of this amazing deal on the the NUKE SURGEHeat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Not only are they flocking, but they’re also forming herds and other types of animal groups I can’t think of right now. Even people in California and Florida who aren’t that cold and don’t trust nuclear technology are lining up to get their two free Amish nuclear heaters.

So place your order today. Then we can have a delivery truck out to your door right away with your beautiful NUKE SURGEHeat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Then just pull out the control rods and you’ll instantly feel bone-melting heat in every room. You will never have to be cold again.

Each Amish nuclear fireplace comes with 2 naked blond women. Champagne sold separately.

Each Amish nuclear fireplace comes with two naked blond women. Champagne and fruit sold separately.

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Tiger Woods Apologizes for “Using His Club” Improperly

Dec 3rd, 2009 by dhoyle

(CNN) — Golfer Tiger Woods apologized Wednesday for “using his club” improperly to score a “hole in one” that let his family down — the same day a gossip magazine published a report alleging he had an affair.

Get. It. In. The. Hole.

In an attempt to address the allegations while still preserving his privacy, the golfer chose to employ a series of golf-themed euphemisms rather than discuss specific details of sexual impropriety.

“I have used my club improperly, and I regret that with all of my heart. I am totally in the rough on this issue. There has been too much wild swinging, and too many reckless strokes of the shaft, with balls flying everywhere. Somehow I was swallowed by the long grass, and I came out of the rough hot and heavy. So now it’s time for me to put my club away and walk away from the hole,” he said in a statement on his official Web site.

Woods did not admit to an affair and offered no details about the “hole in one” in his statement, but he did seem to allude to the possibility of more than one affair, saying “Actually, it’s more like hole in ones. Or holes in one. Or hole in more than one. Let’s just say there were several holes.”

“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. But the head on my driver is enormous, and I couldn’t resist using my long iron to drive to the hole. Mostly I would stick it close and finish up, but sometimes I would play it from behind the hole and back it up. Sometimes I would bone it, and other times I would hit a screamer. I think there were even a couple of rim jobs…where I just lipped it out…”

Woods went on to maintain that his recent actions are largely a product of his environment. “All day long, day in and day out, all I hear is, ‘Put it in the hole Tiger! Come on Tiger, put it in the hole! Get it in the hole, Tiger! Just put it in the hole! GET IT IN THERE! IN THE HOLE!’ I mean, just what the heck do you expect?”

Posted in News, Sports | No Comments »

CDC Warns Against Kissing Balls

Nov 17th, 2009 by dhoyle

ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today issued a stern warning against kissing balls.

The CDC fears that kissing balls — which involves the oral transmission of copious amounts of saliva from person-to-person — may lead to widespread disease, a global flu pandemic, and even death.

“Kissing balls may seem like harmless fun, but in fact can be extremely dangerous” said Dr. Ann Tybody, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Oral Hygiene. “Given the risk of disease transmission, particularly with the advent of the H1N1 flu virus and the delay in vaccine distribution, we strongly recommend that the public avoid kissing balls.”

Government officials are particularly concerned about young adults, who tend to minimize the risks associated with kissing balls. “We especially need to reach out to this high risk group,” said HHS Secretary Kathleen Seeballsus, who today announced the launch of a new public service ad campaign, “Kissing Balls? Not Cool.”

But some have expressed frustration with the new government guidelines. “It’s bad enough we’re supposed to treat sick people like lepers, wash our hands fifty times a day, and panic every time we get a cold,” said Jenna Tull, a Los Angeles, California massage therapist. “And now we’re supposed to avoid kissing balls?”

If you absolutely cannot avoid kissing balls, the CDC recommends the following precautions:

Persons with influenza-like illness (ILI) (i.e., fever with either cough or sore throat) should avoid kissing balls until at least 24 hours after they are free of fever (100° F [37.8°C]), or signs of a fever without the use of fever-reducing medications.
Kissing balls should involve the use of a facemask or respirator.
Disinfect balls with soap and water, an alcohol-based hand rub, or hydrogen peroxide.

Kissing balls may be hazardous to your health

Posted in News, Science | 1 Comment »

“Shawty” Burned in Fire on Dance Floor

Oct 29th, 2009 by dhoyle

MIAMI, FL — A night of revelry turned into tragedy last night at a Miami nightclub when an attractive young woman — referred to in modern urban vernacular as a “shawty” — was burned in a fire on the dance floor at the Mansion club.

Miami Fire Department investigators reported that the victim had been shaking her thang hotter than the sun in the south of Spain for a prolonged period. According to eyewitness accounts, the shawty had just finished popping, locking, and dropping her birthday cake, when suddenly she burst into flame.

Shawty fire burning on the dance floor.

As of yet investigators do not know exactly what caused the the shawty to burst into flame. Preliminary findings would seem to point toward some sort of incendiary device under the dance floor, some sort of highly combustible liquid, or spontaneous booty combustion.

Club-goer Sean Kingston saw what happened and tried to summon help by repeatedly screaming, “Somebody call 911! She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor! That little shawty’s fire burning on the dance floor!”

Sean Kingston: Somebody call 911!

Despite Kingston’s efforts, the shawty was fully involved by the time firefighters arrived, and suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 80% of her body.

A distraught Kingston expressed sorrow at the tragic turn of events. “Her body was a masterpiece,” said Kingston, “the order is one in every hundred years. And I was planning on taking it home. So I guess I got burned, too. But maybe I can at least get a song out of all this.”

Shawty Fire Safety Tips

Fire prevention experts offer these tips to prevent shawty fires on dance floors:

Keep combustible materials and liquids away from dance floors.
Do not place incendiary devices underneath dance floors.
Always keep a shawty extinguisher at the ready.
When shaking your thang for prolonged periods, take frequent breaks to cool your thang down.
Wear flame-retardant underwear.

Posted in Arts & Entertainment, News | No Comments »

Store Manager Charged with Dropping Trousers

Oct 28th, 2009 by dhoyle

SAUGUS, MA – A Target store manager has been accused of dropping trousers in front of one of his employees.

Falling trouser zone?

According to the complaint filed yesterday, Target employee Sue Yorassov had just arrived for work when she encountered assistant store manager Moe Lester while crossing through the Men’s department on her way to Handbags & Accessories.

According to Yorassov, she saw Lester stocking a clearance rack and had just called out a cheerful “good morning,” when suddenly and without warning “he turned around and dropped trousers right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or say…I mean, he’s a manager, he’s not supposed to drop trousers.”

Nice rack!

After a few seconds of awkward silence, said Yorassov, “he just smiled and said, ‘whoops!’ Then he picked up the trousers, put them back on the Ultimate Pleated Khaki clearance rack, and went on as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it.”

Deeply traumatized by the incident, Yorassov has been unable to work, and is entertaining offers of legal representation. “We’re talking Target here,” said one attorney. “We’re talking $64 billion in revenue last year. I wish he had dropped trousers in front of me.”

But this is not the first employee complaint lodged against this apparently deeply troubled store manager. Lester has also been accused of handling women’s undergarments, closely monitoring store changing rooms, spending “way too much” time in the Juniors department, and looking up women’s dresses (in inventory).

Posted in Business, News | No Comments »

Cleavage Tattoos

Oct 23rd, 2009 by dhoyle

I imagine that many of you are wondering what I do when I’m not working on this blog. I imagine it because no one has actually asked me.

So for all of you who weren’t wondering, didn’t ask, and may not care, I can tell you that one of my other interests is writing about cleavage tattoos.

Now stop bugging me.

Posted in News | No Comments »

‘Balloon Boy’ Abducted by Aliens

Oct 20th, 2009 by dhoyle

FORT COLLINS, Colorado — In a frantic 911 call this morning, Richard Heene reported that his six-year-old son, widely known as “Balloon Boy,” has been abducted by aliens.

Richard Heene and "Balloon Boy" in happier times

“I’m not kidding around this time, he’s really gone,” said an apparently distraught Heene. “But don’t take my word for it. Go ahead and look in the attic, the basement, search the whole house. He’s really gone this time! They took him!”

The Heenes grabbed the nation’s attention last week when they reported that an experimental helium balloon shaped like a container of Jiffy Pop was set adrift with their six-year-old son apparently riding in it.

I'll be down in a few minutes

That story proved to be a hoax designed to drum up publicity for a reality TV show featuring the Heenes along with Jon and Kate Gosselin, tentatively titled Using the Children for Publicity.

Heene reported that the family was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises and intensely bright lights outside. When he went to check on the children, his six-year-old son, Falcon, was not in his bedroom, and all of his toys had been turned on and were careening around the room.

ET also stands for "Entertainment Tonight"

Heene said that when he went downstairs to check for Falcon, he saw him exit the house through the dog door, presumably into the hands of alien abductors.

Heene also reportedly contacted NASA to inquire about the possibility of borrowing a space shuttle.

“He’s probably still in Earth orbit,” said Heene, “If we act quickly, maybe we can recover Falcon before he leaves the solar system.”

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Obama Wins “Dancing With the Stars”

Oct 11th, 2009 by dhoyle

WASHINGTON — President Obama said Friday he was “most surprised and deeply humbled” to win the 2009 Dancing With the Stars televised dance competition, adding that he accepts the honor as “a call to action to confront the dance challenges of the 21st century.”

If you work hard, you can win a Nobel Prize. Or maybe they'll just give you one.

In a brief statement in the White House Rose Garden on Friday, the president said he does not “view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, since I did not actually perform a dance routine,” but rather as a recognition of ballroom dance goals he has set for the United States and the world.

Coming on the heels of the president’s somewhat dubious Nobel Peace Prize, the decision appeared to catch most observers by surprise.

“I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize,” he said, “and those who competed but were not ultimately successful, such as Tom Delay, who was forced to leave the show last week after dancing the samba with stress fractures in both feet.”

Obama will travel to Television City in Los Angeles, California in December to accept the honor, which includes a mirror ball trophy, the White House said.

The Dancing With the Stars panel of judges said its decision to honor the president was motivated by a combination of boredom and delusional hero worship. “We were just tired of watching bad ballroom dancing week in and week out,” said judge Carrie Ann Inaba, “and Obama is one cute cowboy! Plus, our last names sort of rhyme!”

The White House also reported that President Obama has also won American Idol, first place in a giant pumpkin contest at a state fair, and first prize and “Miss Congeniality” in a Junior Miss pageant in Lubbock, Texas.

Posted in News, Politics | No Comments »

Winkler Arrested in Alleged Fonzie Scheme

Sep 23rd, 2009 by dhoyle

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up. He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.

Posted in Business, News, TV | No Comments »