Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice
WASHINGTON — Top Bush administration officials gave the CIA approval to use wakeboarding, a controversial interrogation technique, as early as 2002, a Senate intelligence report shows.
On July 17, 2002, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, who later became secretary of state, said the CIA could proceed with “alternative interrogation methods,” including wakeboarding, when questioning suspected al Qaeda terrorist detainees.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Wakeboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which a detainee’s feet are attached to a small wooden or fiberglass board. The detainee is then towed at a high rate of speed behind a small boat with a powerful inboard or outboard engine.
The wakeboarder is forced to stay upright on the board for prolonged periods to avoid “wiping out” and experiencing temporary simulated drowning.
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is Wakeboarded
The controversial technique was used in Guantanamo Bay at least 83 times in August 2002 on suspected al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah, according to the report.
Interrogators also wakeboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in March 2003. Mohammed is believed to be the mastermind behind the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States.
Interrogators had already extracted the majority of actionable intelligence from Mohammed after the first 83 wakeboardings, but apparently Mohammed had developed a “sick” half-tuck somersault flip with “serious hang time,” so the interrogators decided to just continue to let Mohammed “shred it out to the max.”
The American Civil Liberties Union and international human rights activists are appalled at the disclosures.
“It was bad enough that wakeboarding was used to begin with,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Ann Tagonistic, “but the addition of a series of floating ramps to encourage freestyle jumps was simply unconscionable.”
Khalid Sheikh Mohammed airs it out in Guantanamo Bay
“These men are more suited to the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan than the waters of the Caribbean,” said Tagonistic. “Strapping their feet to a board and towing them behind a speedboat certainly constitutes a radical departure from humane interrogation techniques. They experienced forced inhalation of exhaust fumes, repeated violent immersion, and they were exposed to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation. And they also got water up their noses.”
Wielding powerful endoscopic suction devices, doctors today removed several liters of toxic bile from former Vice President Dick Cheney.
This hyper-production of bile leads to a reflux of copious volumes of toxic fluids through the bile ducts and into the stomach and esophagus, resulting in a huge pressure dome of noxious bile that eventually spews forth volcanically and indiscriminately.
Dr. Zansalsa went on to point out the recent case involving radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who was widely considered to be psychotic until a routine medical examination revealed a large crustacean lodged in his rectum.
In Mexico there are over 180 golf courses, dozens of luxury hotels, a swine flu epidemic, and several violent drug cartels armed with automatic weapons. But chances are pretty good that you won’t die!
SESAME STREET (AP) — CDC officials confirmed today that Miss Pigathius “Piggy” Lee, widely known as “Miss Piggy,” has been involuntarily detained and quarantined pending the outcome of testing to determine whether or not she has been infected with the swine flu virus.
“Miss Piggy just kept saying, ‘Oh, Kermie, Oh Kermie,’ and smothering me with kisses, even though I kept asking her to stop,” said Kermit. “Then I saw the news reports about swine flu.” As a precautionary measure, CDC officials have also quarantined Kermit the Frog.
Sesame Street police reported that Miss Piggy, who holds a pink belt in Pig Kwon Do, actively and violently resisted detainment, assaulting officers with a series of karate chops and kicks while shrieking, “HAI-YA!”
The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called mime influenza A H1N11, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in humans before. The new strain attacks the vocal cords of its victims, rendering them unable to speak and prone to rampant, uncontrollable pantomime.
“Mime flu depletes the amount of hemoglobin and lowers the blood pressure of its victims, causing their faces to take on an extremely pale complexion,” said Dr. Lynne Guini, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Pantomime. “Also, for reasons not currently understood, victims of mime flu feel the need to don black and white striped shirts, black pants, black hats, and black or white gloves.”
Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid mime flu:
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that same-sect marriage is now legal in California.
“I think a Catholic should be able to marry a Catholic, a Jew should be able to marry a Jew, and a Mormon should be able to marry one or more Mormons,” said Schwarzenegger. “You start mixing things up, maybe it’s not so good. It can certainly make things more complicated with holidays. And it can make it a lot more difficult to deal with the in-laws.”
But when reached for comment, California Supreme Court Chief Justice Ronald M. George pointed out that “as far as I know, so-called ’same-sect’ unions, or marriages between two people of the same religion, have been always been allowed in California, as have interfaith marriages. So I’m not sure what the Governor’s point is. But as long as you’re not gay, you’re good to go.”
In another disturbing attack on a shipping vessel, a US cargo ship today was seized by a desperate and lawless band of high-seas fitness instructors.
“They’ve been relatively safe, for the most part. I guess maybe it was inevitable,” she said. “They’re all pretty out of shape, just sitting around all day on a ship packed with food. My husband is a pretty smart man. He knows the protocol. He’ll do what he needs to do to keep the crew safe, even if it means placing a soft ball or cushion between his inner thighs while dropping his belly and breathing wide and deep into his back, and then sliding his shoulder blades and ribs towards his lifted pelvis.”
