Humor Blog
Aug 25th, 2010 by dhoyle
We all know how important it is to try to avoid diseased cocks…and hens. That’s why the USDA produced “Keep Your Birds Healthy,” a truly awful video about backyard poultry hygiene. It cried out to be mocked, and it’s in the public domain, so I decided to add my own subtitles to the film.
And so, I invite you to view a public mockery of “Keep Your Birds Healthy.” The YouTube video is embedded below, and here are the links:
Aug 25th, 2010 by dhoyle
This is a slideshow combined with animated sequences of the crosswalk sign guy getting run over by various things. The background music is the classic rock song “Signs” by the Five Man Electrical Band. The YouTube video is embedded below, and here are the links:
Jul 21st, 2010 by dhoyle
LOS ANGELES — In a career move that many public relations experts are describing as “ingenious,” Mel Gibson will temporarily abandon film-making and pursue a new career as a hip hop recording artist.
If the b--ch steps up with a baby, I'm slappin' the ho.
Stung by recently released tapes of him ranting uncontrollably and profanely at Oksana Grigorieva, mother of his 8-month-old daughter — as well as previous anti-Semitic and racist remarks — Gibson’s career appeared to be in serious jeopardy.
But in the world of hip hop, these apparent liabilities become assets.
“It’s a great career move for Mel Gibson at this point,” said Ron Gidear, whose public relations firm has represented hip hop artists such as Not So L’il Wayne, 75 Cent, 6Pac, Jay A-Z, and Enema-em.
“He’s hateful and violent toward women,” says Gidear. “He’s also extremely loud, incredibly profane, and he even uses the ‘n’ word with a high degree of comfort. He has all the hallmarks of a great hip hop artist.”
Honey, I'm home!
Gibson has been recording furiously, as well as sampling the tapes of his phone calls to Grigorieva.
He will release his first single next week on Bad Idea Records, tentatively entitled, “If You Don’t Shut the F— Up, I Will F—ing Kill You B–ch,” and will follow that with an “unplugged” acoustic recording entitled, “Go to the F—ing Jacuzzi By Yourself, You F—ing C—,You Don’t Love Me, I Will F—ing Kill You.”
Gibson is still trying to settle on a stage name for his new hip hop career, but is said to be considering one of the following:
Jul 20th, 2010 by dhoyle
With apologies to Eminem, Rihanna, and dermatologists everywhere.
[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
[Verse 1 - Eminem]
I can’t tell you what the Sun really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s radiation from the sunlight
I can’t breathe but I still fight because it’s too bright
As long as tanning feels right it’s like I’m in a fight
High off of love, drunk from sunscreen
It’s like I’m huffin’ SPF 50 spray and I love her
The more I spray on, I suffocate
Right before she’s about to brown, she irradiates
Sunscreen, she friggin’ hates it and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I’m laying out.
No you ain’t. Come back. I’m putting sunblock on your back.
Here we go again, it’s so insane
‘Cause with skin cancer, the risk is great
I’m Superman with sunscreen in his pack
She’s Lois Lane, but she burns so easy, it’s awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, “Please wear a hat!”
I know it must sound lame
I laid hands on her, I’ll never apply lotion so low again
I guess I don’t know about SPF strength
[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
[Verse 2 - Eminem]
You ever love somebody so pale,
you could barely see ’cause they glowin’?
They burn, so bad they don’t even know what hit ‘em
Got that sick hot feeling, yeah, them chills, get used to ‘em
Now you gettin’ friggin’ sick of the peelin’ skin
You swore you’d never hug ‘em, never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re workin’ on her rubbin’ Noxzema on the burns when you treat em’
You peel, peel off the dead skin, it’s so disgustin’
Throw skin down, coat the floor, so now I have to vacuum
It’s the rays that took over, they control you both
So they say, you’re best to go out on cloudy days
Guess that they don’t know you ’cause today,
That was yesterday, yesterday was cloudy, it’s a sunny day
Seems like melanoma’s getting closer
But you promised her, next time you wouldn’t nag
Sneaking sunblock in her bag
Life is no day at the beach, but you lost again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Without applying any sunscreen
[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
[Verse 3 - Eminem]
Now I know I said things, did things that might seem mean
Because I think you should but you won’t, apply sunscreen
But your skin is just as pale as mine is
You’re as white as me
When it comes to tanning you’re just so blinded
Baby, please cover your back, it wasn’t you, Baby, it was UVs.
Maybe sunscreen isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when there’s a hole in the ozone
All I know is I love you too much to watch you burn so
Come inside, pick up your beachbag off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear skin care in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is your skin, look I hate to heckle
Next time you burn, you’ll get some extra freckles
Next time? There won’t be no next time
You moisturize, even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games, I just want her covered with sun protection factor
If she ever tries to friggin’ tan again,
I’ma tie her to the chaise lounge and set her outside all afternoon
I’m just gonna
[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
Jul 19th, 2010 by dhoyle
With apologies to Beyonce Knowles…
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up
Stink up the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Di’int like the smell and now you wanna yell
Cause another brother caught a whiff of me
I’m up on him, he can’t smell me
Cause his nose don’t really function
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya di’int like the smell of me
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be crazy no I won’t put Febreze on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
And I’m not gonna put Summer’s Eve on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I got my last wish, a man who likes fish
Got me low tide in my Dereon jeans
Smellin’ so harsh, just like a salt marsh
I can care less that I stink
You were so mean, said I was unclean
Don’t go dissin’ my personal hygiene
Cause you had your chance to get in my pants
But you compared it to really old sushi
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he don’t vomit
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
Don’t treat me like I’m a bad girl
If I smell like a dead squirrel
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Here’s a man that smells me then tells me
I love the skanky beauty, of your pungent booty
Pull me into your arms, make my odor your own
If you don’t, then I’ll be gone
But my smell will linger on
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Maybe I should try and put some Massengill in it
But if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I think your gonna have to learn how to live with it
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up
Stink up the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Di’int like the smell and now you wanna yell
Cause another brother caught a whiff of me
I’m up on him, he can’t smell me
Cause his nose don’t really function
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya di’int like the smell of me
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be crazy no I won’t put Febreze on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
And I’m not gonna put Summer’s Eve on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I got my last wish, a man who likes fish
Got me low tide in my Dereon jeans
Smellin’ so harsh, just like a salt marsh
I can care less that I stink
You were so mean, said I was unclean
Don’t go dissin’ my personal hygiene
Cause you had your chance to get in my pants
But you compared it to really old sushi
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see he don’t vomit
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
Don’t treat me like I’m a bad girl
If I smell like dead squirrel
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve
Here’s a man that smells me then tells me
I love the skanky beauty, of your pungent booty
Pull me into your arms, make my odor your own
If you don’t, then I’ll be gone
But my smell will linger on
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Maybe I should try and put some Massengill in it
But if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I think your gonna have to learn how to live with it
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh
Jul 15th, 2010 by dhoyle
(CNN) — The US Department of Homeland Security today announced a new strategy in the war on terror.
KillAmericanistan
Results of a joint study conducted by the CIA and the Theodor Geisel Advanced Research Institute strongly indicate the importance of words that rhyme with “an” in pinpointing terrorist groups.
“First we had the Taliban in Afghanistan,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The Taliban allowed a madman to hatch a plan to attack Manhattan. When Americans attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan, they turned and ran and took refuge in Pakistan. Clearly, there is a pattern here.”
At least one leading terrorism expert agrees. “It’s not just the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan,” says Middle East authority Stan Mahan, Ph.D., who teaches in Michigan, and is the author of Ban the Taliban: A New Plan for Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Sure, it all began in Afghanistan. But there’s a terrorist clan in Sudan, as well as that madman in Iran. Let’s not forget that the Fort Hood shooter was Nidal Malik Hasan. And who was he shooting at? Tex-ans.”
The CIA and US Military will continue to conduct operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and will closely monitor Sudan. Closer attention will also be paid to possible emerging threats in Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Attackistan, and KillAmericanistan.
Going forward, the Department of Homeland Security will devote more resources to investigate potential domestic terrorism threats, including but not limited to celebrities such as Justine Bateman, Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, David Letterman, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, and Pee Wee Herman. Homeland Security also plans to closely monitor recording artists Steely Dan, Manfred Mann, Duran Duran, and Bob Dylan.
Jul 12th, 2010 by dhoyle
What euphemism — other than “disco stick,” which she already used – for a particular portion of the male anatomy should Lady Gaga use in her next hit song?
Jul 3rd, 2010 by dhoyle
Just a quick public service reminder.
Ah, Sundays & Holidays. A perfect time to eat, drink, and be nauseous. Scarfing down junk food. Binge drinking. Projectile vomiting. Good times, good times. But for the rest of the week, you need to reign it in. That’s where this sign comes in handy. You’re welcome.
Jun 9th, 2010 by dhoyle
Caffeine addicts, cast your vote below.
Like this poll? You can get it on a coffee mug at my online store.
Jun 8th, 2010 by dhoyle
CAMBRIDGE, MA — There were few surprises at this week’s Déjà Vu conference, held at the MIT Center for Cosmic Redundancy.
Leading experts in the field of Déjà Vu studies gathered to compare notes on this strange psychological or neurophysiological phenomenon, which manifests itself as the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.
But conference participants seemed disappointed with the lack of spontaneity in the conference agenda. “Every year it’s the same thing,” said one conference-goer. “We always know exactly what to expect. It’s as if we’ve heard all of the lectures before, and even the food is predictable. And every night after dinner they make us watch Groundhog Day. By the way, you look sort of familiar — have we met before?”
When asked to comment, conference chairman Dewitt Agin seemed unperturbed. “I knew someone was going to say that,” said Agin. ” I totally saw that one coming. In our field of study, everything is to be expected. By the way, don’t I know you from somewhere?”
A minor controversy erupted when several conference participants accused keynote speaker Duke Plicate of presenting the same lecture — entitled “Been There, Done That” — year after year. Unfortunately, there was no way to prove or disprove the assertion.
May 19th, 2010 by dhoyle
What are the best baby names based on popular drugs? Cast your vote below.
May 18th, 2010 by dhoyle
Like this idiotic idiom?
Get it on a t-shirt, mug, mouse pad, and many other products at my online store.
WTF? Just what exactly do these mysterious letters stand for? I came up with a few possible explanations for this acronym — you can vote on them below. Or post your own suggestion as a comment.
Apr 30th, 2010 by dhoyle
“THE VAMPIRE DAIRIES” — Tuesdays (9:00-10:00 p.m. ET) on The CW network.
Plot Summary
Udderly Terrifying
Four months after the tragic farm accident that killed her parents, a 3-year-old heifer named Elena is still trying to cope with her grief and move on with her life.
Elena has always been a star cow – beautiful, popular, and involved with the herd – but now she finds herself struggling to hide her sadness from the world.
Chewing cud and sucking blood
As another year begins, Elena and her friends are fascinated by a handsome and mysterious new steer, Stefan.
Stefan and Elena are immediately drawn to one another, but Elena has no way of knowing that Stefan is a centuries-old vampire cow, struggling to live peacefully among normal cows, while his brother Damon is the embodiment of vampire cow violence and brutality.
Now these two vampire cow brothers – one good, one evil – are at war for Elena’s soul and for the souls of her friends, family, and all the residents of the small dairy farming town of Styptic Falls, Vermont.
ATTENTION VAMPIRE DAIRIES FANS!!!
Get cool Vampire Dairies gear at the official Vampire Dairies online store!
Apr 1st, 2010 by dhoyle
-- Click image to view full-size cartoon --
