David Hoyle

Imagine stepping back in time into a different world — a world of elegance, romance, beauty — and hypothermia. Now you can stop imagining and step aboard our full-scale replica ship on the Capsize Cruise Lines “Last Voyage of the Titanic”  tour.

You’ll enjoy gourmet meals and luxurious staterooms as we follow the actual course that the Titanic followed in 1912! Then we’ll ram full-speed into a real iceberg!

As the ship breaks apart and begins to sink, you’ll don your lifejacket and fight for a spot on a real lifeboat!  To ensure historical accuracy, there won’t be enough lifeboats for all of the passengers.*

You’ll hear actual cries for help from people clinging to wreckage in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. Some will survive the ordeal…some will not…but none will ever forget the “Last Voyage of the Titanic.”

* Some passengers may experience hypothermia or death by drowning.

Speaking outside in Wilmington, N.C. yesterday, a desperate Senator Hillary Clinton reissued her challenge to Senator Barack Obama, her rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, to join her in a debate. And she wants it so badly, she’s even willing to “do it on the back of a flat bed truck.”

Referring to the debate, Clinton said, “…I think, you know, we could even do it on the back of a flatbed truck, doesn’t even have to be in a fancy studio somewhere…”

“Or we could do it in the road,” continued Clinton. “Why don’t we do it in the road? No one will be watching us…why don’t we do it in the road?”

A visibly drained Barack Obama responded to Clinton’s comments at a press conference in Indiana earlier today when he said, “I’ve engaged in this form of political intercourse with Senator Clinton many times over the past few weeks. We’ve shown the voters many different positions, and I think each of us gave as good as we got. But I think at this point enough is enough.”

UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon today appointed Jo Frost — widely known as the “Supernanny” — as a Special Envoy to Iraq.

“The various factions in Iraq are behaving much like willful, spoiled children throwing tantrums,” said Ki-moon, “and will benefit greatly from someone with Supernanny’s skills.”

According to Frost, her first steps will be to “toddler-proof” Iraq. This will involve placing dangerous things — such as sharp objects, machine guns, and IEDs — out of reach. Next, Supernanny will establish clear routines for each faction’s day, for example, regular lunch, nap, bath and bedtimes. If tensions mount, Supernanny will use distractions and diversions for as long as they work?– a changed activity, a song or game, or a new grenade launcher.

“Even with these precautions,” says Supernanny, “given the almost complete lack of sensible supervision in Iraq, some tantrums and ‘acting-out’ are bound to occur.” When that happens, Supernanny will utilize the following proven tactics:

• Speaking calmly to the attacker, saying things like “I’m here, I won’t let you hurt yourself or others.”
• Holding the attacker tightly, preferably making eye contact.
• Sometimes you just have to weather the storm until the attacker calms down, or the explosives belt detonates.

Reaction to the announcement inside Iraq has been mixed. “If Supernanny comes, “warned a spokesman for Al-Qaeda in Iraq, “we will slit her throat, she will die like a pig, and we will feed her remains to the dogs.”

When reached for comment, Supernanny responded, “it’s very encouraging that they are ‘using their words,’ but it seems as though someone might need a time-out.”

Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers returns to public television with a new weekly public affairs series, Bill Moyers’ Gerbil.

Moyers, one of the most recognized and respected journalists in America, will anchor an hour-long weekly news series offering fresh perspectives and analysis from his pet gerbil, Mr. Tickles. Moyers and Mr. Tickles discuss today’s events, issues, and the ideas that are shaping our world.

Mr. Tickles

“I retired from Now with Bill Moyers two years ago because it was time,” said Moyers. “Now Mr. Tickles tells me it’s time to come back. And I must obey.”

The goal is to illuminate news and ideas that can help people — and gerbils — become more engaged and active citizens at the grassroots of democracy.

Each week, Bill Moyers’ Gerbil will feature thoughtful analysis of vital issues, strong interviews with unique voices on politics, the arts and letters, science, religion, and the media, as well as lots and lots of yummy sunflower seeds, carrots, and apple slices.

Sarcasticstan today issued a “really, really, heart-felt” apology to Serbia for “accidentally” raining short-range missiles on Belgrade.

“We are like, soooooo sorry,” said a Sarcasticstan Foreign Ministry official in a statement issued early this morning. “We care sooooo much about your precious country and its wonderful citizens, and we feel just awful about this whole “mistake,” because we care so much about all of you and what you think of us.”

Serbia responded by massing 200,000 troops on its border with Sarcasticstan, recalling its ambassador from the UN, and bombing Kosovo, just for good measure.

“Like that really scares us,” responded the Sarcasticstan President, David Spade. “Why don’t you just take your little army and try to scare someone else, like maybe the Girl Scouts? Buh-bye!”

Hillary Clinton today stepped up the war of words on the issue of guns, maintaining that Senator Barack Obama suffers from “Projectile Dysfunction.”

Clinton recently touted her experience with guns as a young child.

“Senator Obama is definitely shooting blanks on this issue,” said Clinton. “You know, until you’ve held a rifle in your hands, raised the long, hard barrel, and blasted away at the target, you don’t really have a right to speak out on this issue.”

A visibly agitated Obama maintained that he has tried several times recently to get to a firing range, but “it just hasn’t worked out. It’s not like I can’t do it, because of course I can, whenever I want, without restriction. Many times I’ve been campaigning all day, and I’m just too tired. Or I’m just not in the mood…”

During a break from knocking back shots of Crown Royal whisky, Clinton characterized Obama’s response as, “unproductive…unfruitful…just more of the sort of limp, flaccid remarks that reflect Senator Obama’s complete impotence on this issue.”

“They’re both lightweights,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, weighing in on the issue. “Until you’ve actually shot another human being, you’re a total rookie.”

Red Sox Nation tested a second nuclear-capable missile Monday, upping the ante in its arms race with the New York Yankees.

“These flight tests have strengthened the security of Red Sox Nation, and will help in maintaining a strategic balance in the American League East,” said a RSN foreign ministry spokesman in a statement issued soon after the test.

New York responded to the test by deploying mobile cruise missile launchers to eastern Long Island. The cruise missiles are believed to be armed with either nuclear or biological warheads, and are capable of reaching targets as far north as southern New Hampshire.

It’s unclear how New York acquired its nuclear capability, but it is believed that Yankees President George Steinbrenner acquired medium-range missiles in a secret deal with China that involved a large sum of money, several minor league prospects, and a Player To Be Named Later.

That development prompted Red Sox Nation to accelerate its missile development program, and to also begin installing 6000 new centrifuges — which are used to enrich uranium — at its minor league facility in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

In a statement issued earlier today, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig threatened to impose steep fines on any team that initiates a nuclear or biological attack on a division rival. “Weapons of mass destruction have no place in baseball,” warned Selig, “and will be dealt with in the same vigorous manner as was the case with the steroid abuse scandal.”

The American Respiratory Theater, in association with the American Lung Association, is pleased to announce an off-Broadway production of The Sound of Mucus.

In the play, Maria, a severely asthmatic postulant at the Nonnberg Abbey in Austria in the late 1930′s, disrupts the entire convent with her severe asthma attacks. Maria is often forced outside to the nearby mountains, and soon “The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Mucus.”

The mother Abbess, convinced that Maria needs some time away from the Abbey to give the rest of the nuns a break from her ceaseless hacking, assigns her to be the governess for the family of Captain Georg von Trapp, a retired naval officer and widowed father of seven asthmatic children.

The Captain and Maria have radically different ideas about how children with asthma should be treated. The Captain believes the children should use a long-term inhaled corticosteroid. While he is away, Maria ignores his instructions and introduces the children to short-term bronchodilators.

The Captain has been courting Baroness Elsa Schraeder from the sophisticated social circles of Vienna, but she is driven away by the constant coughing, wheezing, and mucus stains on her evening gowns, and it is the unsophisticated Maria who wins his heart.

Meanwhile, the clouds of war are hanging over Europe. The Nazis take over Austria and order the Captain to return to active military service. The family’s last chance to escape comes at a Alpine mucus festival. After the performance, they disable the pursuing Gestapo by coughing up a thick coating of slippery mucus, and are able to slip away and cross the mountains to safety.

From the producers of the blockbuster comedy Wedding Crashers and MTV’s Punk’D comes the newest hidden camera reality show, Funeral Crashers.

Every family wants their departed loved one’s wake and funeral to be perfect — an attractive corpse, perfect flowers, subdued lighting, somber guests — a day they’ll cherish and remember forever. But in this one-hour reality series, a team of five crashers creates the most memorable funeral the bereaved will never forget!

The funeral crash team consists of five quick-thinking, hilarious improvisational performers who’ve made it their mission to go undercover as funeral staff and guests to save wakes and funerals from “terminal” boredom! The crashers play various people in all the funerals including the pastor, the funeral director, a long lost friend, a distant relative, and even the corpse!

But there is a deeper mission under the layer of fun. The crashers do more than just liven up the funeral — some pranks are light-hearted and funny, while others will be emotional and will bring the family together. At the end of each funeral, viewers will be treated to a huge reveal when the crashers admit to their pranks. And that’s when the fun REALLY starts!