David Hoyle

UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon today appointed Jo Frost — widely known as the “Supernanny” — as a Special Envoy to Iraq.

“The various factions in Iraq are behaving much like willful, spoiled children throwing tantrums,” said Ki-moon, “and will benefit greatly from someone with Supernanny’s skills.”

According to Frost, her first steps will be to “toddler-proof” Iraq. This will involve placing dangerous things — such as sharp objects, machine guns, and IEDs — out of reach. Next, Supernanny will establish clear routines for each faction’s day, for example, regular lunch, nap, bath and bedtimes. If tensions mount, Supernanny will use distractions and diversions for as long as they work?– a changed activity, a song or game, or a new grenade launcher.

“Even with these precautions,” says Supernanny, “given the almost complete lack of sensible supervision in Iraq, some tantrums and ‘acting-out’ are bound to occur.” When that happens, Supernanny will utilize the following proven tactics:

• Speaking calmly to the attacker, saying things like “I’m here, I won’t let you hurt yourself or others.”
• Holding the attacker tightly, preferably making eye contact.
• Sometimes you just have to weather the storm until the attacker calms down, or the explosives belt detonates.

Reaction to the announcement inside Iraq has been mixed. “If Supernanny comes, “warned a spokesman for Al-Qaeda in Iraq, “we will slit her throat, she will die like a pig, and we will feed her remains to the dogs.”

When reached for comment, Supernanny responded, “it’s very encouraging that they are ‘using their words,’ but it seems as though someone might need a time-out.”