David Hoyle

A controversial new theory contends that the dinosaurs were wiped out not by a giant comet, but by a widespread prehistoric intestinal disease. According to Dr. Hugh Keck, Chairman of the Department of Gastropaleontology at the University of Wynonna, newly discovered fossil evidence points to a highly contagious stomach virus that spread quickly and wiped out the dinosaurs.

“We are quite certain that at the end of the Cretaceous era there was a period of massive vomiting,” says Keck. “During the late Cretaceous, huge gastric eruptions were spewing forth floods of vomit which can be seen today at the K-T boundary in the form of a thick layer of fossilized vomit.”

According to Dr. Keck, the widespread vomiting would have made it much more difficult for the dinosaurs to take in enough nourishment to survive. Keck also maintains that the floods of acidic vomit would have damaged a wide variety of Cretaceous plant species, leading to less available food for plant-eating dinosaurs, and eventual collapse of the entire food chain.

“Over a period of years,” says Keck, “the food supply dwindled as the volume of vomit increased exponentially. The dinosaurs literally ‘hurled’ themselves into extinction.”

But according to Craig Heever, a Planetary Gastrologist at Emesis College, this “nuclear winter caused by vomit” theory can’t fully explain the K-T extinction.

“Vomit itself is fairly benign,” says Heever. “We have vomit being emitted regularly and copiously today, for example, because of stomach flus or Barry Manilow concerts. While vomit may have initially contributed to changes in the climate, it would not have caused fundamental climate changes because the vomit would have been diluted by rains over a period of a few weeks or years.”

Heever instead believes that long-term global climate changes were caused by extraterrestrials, who wanted to destroy the dinosaurs and seed the earth with their intergalactic spawn. The fossilized vomit, he says, “was deliberately put there by the aliens to throw us off track.”

Despite Heever’s assertions, Keck is standing by his findings. “Professor Heever is an esteemed colleague, but he has not been quite the same since his unfortunate head injury last year while on a dig in the Gobi desert. The fossil record points to one inescapable conclusion: widespread extinction caused by cataclysmic vomit.”

Startling, yet generally incomprehensible new findings have revealed that the universe is largely comprised of “Dork Matter.” But what exactly is Dork Matter?

It's complicated...

According to Dr. Kraig Nibson, chairman of the Astrophysics department at the University of Wynonna, “Dork Matter is incredibly complex and counterintuitive, and is therefore utterly impossible for the vast majority of people to even begin to understand.”

“You need to be a complete and utter Nth-degree Dork to even begin to grasp it, hence the name,” says Nibson. “It is incomprehensible for Brainiacs, Techno-Dweebs, Super-Weanies, and even Uber-Geeks. You really need to be a card-carrying, stone-cold righteous, quantum-spazzed Ultra Mega Dork to get a handle on this stuff.”

Dr. Nibson’s advice is, “don’t worry about it. Just go watch TV or something. We’ll let you know when we come across something you can understand.”

Dan Jaworski, widely known as “Mr. Metaphor,” has kicked the bucket. He had been under the weather for some time, but became sick as a dog in recent weeks and is now dead as a doornail.

“Mr. Metaphor” was a sharp cookie who wasn’t afraid to stick his neck out. Although he would sometimes rub people the wrong way and ruffle a few feathers, deep down he was right as rain. He was an eager beaver who ate like a horse and lived high on the hog. No stick in the mud, Jaworski liked to drink like a fish and sow his wild oats, so he never tied the knot.

Shortly before he bought the farm, “Mr. Metaphor” finally saw the light, buried the hatchet, put his best foot forward, and paid the piper.

Tyra Banks, who is much better than you in every way, hosts this exciting new mixed-breed dog show. As is the case with America’s Next Top Model, contestants will be required to lick Tyra’s feet and beg and whine for scant attention. They will also be regularly and severely ridiculed by effeminate men in women’s clothing.

Each week, the losing contestant will be mercilessly scolded by a panel of judges for a prolonged period, and will then be personally euthanized by Tyra.

Tyra Banks, who is in no way self-centered or superficial, hosts this exciting new Alpine folk-singing competition. The contestants will begin by performing their interpretations of basic yodeling compositions such as “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music, then work their way up to more complex pieces such as “Hocus Pocus” by Focus.

Each week, the losing contestant will be forced to repeatedly perform the yodeling portion of “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band, and will then be personally strangled to death by Tyra with lederhosen.