David Hoyle

A royal spokesman said today that Britain’s Prince Charles has had a large growth removed from his side.

A spokesman at Charles’ official residence, Clarence House, said that “late Thursday afternoon a team of surgeons removed a large growth from the Prince. The growth had been clinging tenaciously to Prince Charles’ side for many years.”

Apparently the growth was fairly benign at first, but had grown increasingly malignant in recent months, and had begun to take its toll on the Prince.

Doctors expect Prince Charles to make a full recovery. He is reported to be resting comfortably and reviewing personal ads at his country home in Highgrove.

What’s in a name? Plenty, especially if your name is Ann Chovie, May O’Nays, or Robyn Banks. Studies show that having a silly name can negatively affect your chances of getting a job, as well as your overall financial success and status.

A new employment study by the Bitter Business Bureau demonstrated that job applicants with “normal” names were 10,000% more likely to get a callback than those with silly names. A job applicant with a silly name — Terry Dactyl, Lou Briccant, or Lynn Guini, for example — found it much harder to even get an interview, let alone a job.

Ben Dover, an unemployed Technical Writer, has had many painful experiences with discrimination because of his name. “They never respond to my resumes, and then when I call they just laugh and hang up on me,” says Dover. “And it’s the same with my wife, Eileen.”

But people with silly names are fighting back. A group of activists, including Emma Roids, Beau Vine, Hugh deMann, Jim Nasium, and Dan Druff, have banded together to form SPAZ (Silly, Proud, and Zealous), an organization dedicated to fighting silly name discrimination. Joining them will be Ellie Vader, Al Luminum, Gene Poole, Ann Tartica, Helen Hywater, Archie Pelagos, Pete Zaria, and Herbie Hind.

Celebrities distributed throughout 11 states, including Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney, are being recalled because of possible E! coli contamination, federal officials say.

The U.S. Department of Celebriculture said today that so far no illnesses have been reported from celebrities such as Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. The agency was uncertain how many stars are being recalled, but it is believed that the recall includes Nicole Kidman, Harrison Ford, and John Travolta.

The recalled celebrities, such as Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton, are usually marked with one or more tattoos, including tribal dragons, wings, butterflies, Hebrew and Sanskrit characters, flowers, names of family members, or Chinese symbols.

E! coli, a potentially deadly bacteria carried by celebrities like Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, and Kenny Chesney, can cause diarrhea, dehydration and kidney failure.

Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid E! coli:

1) People who must handle celebrities, such as agents, publicists, and massage therapists, should WASH THEIR HANDS thoroughly after using the bathroom or changing diapers.

2) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with celebrities or their environments (award shows, movie premiers, spas, or television and movie sets).

3) Avoid raw celebrities, such as Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna, and Dennis Rodman.

4) Decontaminate celebrities with hydrogen peroxide.

Seeking to reduce wear-and-tear on their 71-year-old presidential candidate, Republicans announced today that a layer of protective plastic has been applied to Senator John McCain.

In a statement released earlier today, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan said, “Senator McCain is in excellent health, and we expect him to remain in good health for many years to come.”

“Therefore,” said Duncan, “this should be viewed simply as a precautionary measure, like putting a tarp on an old jalopy, or applying museum wax to a piece of antique furniture…wait…”

The plastic coating applied to Senator McCain is a durable, semi-permeable polymer that is resistant to scuffs, scratches, ultraviolet radiation, and liberal Democrats.

When not actively campaigning, McCain will be stored in an airtight glass case with an atmosphere of 99.6% nitrogen. According to Duncan, “any environment over 99.5% nitrogen will kill any parasitic organisms clinging to Senator McCain, with the exception of right-wing Republicans and conservative Christians, which can only be eradicated with high doses of gamma irradiation.”

Today the Supreme Court of California overturned the ban on no-sex marriage. This made California the second state, behind Massachusetts, to allow full marriage rights for no-sex partners.

The state of California had already permitted “Domestic Partners Without Benefits” registration, a right similar to “Uncivil Unions” found in other states. This grants no-sex couples “all state-level rights and obligations of marriage  in areas such as inheritance, income tax, insurance and hospital visitation, and putting up with bad breath and snoring,” — but does not apply to “federal-level rights of marriage that cannot be granted by states, such as not listening and deliberately ignoring.”

In its 4-3 ruling, the Republican-dominated high court struck down state laws against no-sex marriage and said “nookie-free” domestic partnerships that provide many of the rights and benefits of matrimony are not enough.

“In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and to responsibly care for and raise children does not depend upon boinking, shagging, or otherwise doing the Horizontal Hula,” Chief Justice Ronald George wrote for the majority in ringing language that delighted no-sex rights activists.

Following the ruling, no-sex couples expressed both relief and ongoing frustration. “I’d love to have sex,” said “Julie,” an Alameda homemaker with four children under the age of six, “but it’s just not going to happen with us in the foreseeable future. If we’re lucky enough to even make it to our bed at the same time, we sleep.”

The surprising and unlikely American Idol journey of Jason Castro has ended.

Falling just short of the final three, the soulful, dreadlocked crooner at first seemed far outside the typical “Idol” mold, but he quickly won over a large and hard-core following with an endearingly sweet, laid-back personality, a talent for offbeat comments, and some sort of alien breathing apparatus.

Asked what his biggest challenge was, the giant alien humanoid with piercing amber eyes replied, “I guess just the interaction of the gas I breathe with radionuclide particles.”

Earlier in his “Idol” stint, Castro scored big with his renditions of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and “Over the Rainbow,” among others. But in recent weeks he seemed to struggle as the contest entered more challenging heights, leading him to concede his musical inexperience and return to his post as Psychlo Security Chief on Earth.

This recipe is from Favorite Recipes of the Philadelphia Police Department.

Ingredients

CRUST:
1 cup of graham cracker crumbs
3 tablespoons of margarine – melted

FILLING:
24 oz of cream cheese – softened
3/4 cup of sugar
1 teaspoon of vanilla
3 egg yolks

Instructions

1. Use a night stick to crush graham crackers into crumbs. Combine crumbs and margarine, then use excessive force to press into bottom of 9 inch baking pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 10 minutes.
2. Violently drag remaining ingredients out of the fridge and slam them onto the counter.
3. Combine cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla, and beat until subdued. Beat each egg yolk, one at a time, until thoroughly beaten, then add to mixture. Beat mixture vigorously after each addition. Really lay into mixture; don’t hold anything back.
4. Beat egg whites relentlessly — egg whites should literally be begging for mercy — and fold into cream cheese mixture. Beat entire mixture again, and again, and again, until you can no longer feel your arm, or your frustration and rage. Pour over crust.
5. Bake at 300 degrees for 45 minutes. Let cool before removing from pan. Consult with District Attorney’s office and Patrolmen’s Association legal counsel until ready to serve.

From the producers of Dancing With the Stars comes the new celebrity drinking competition, Drinking With the Stars.

With host Nick Nolte “calling the shots,” you’ll never know what to expect!

Our teams of celebrity alcoholics will participate in spirited competitive events such as drinking games, club-hopping, pub-crawling, funneling, shotgunning, long-arming, and monkey-chugging. The last star standing wins!

Each week the celebrities will face extra challenges, such as finding their limo, correctly identifying their publicist, and remembering to put on underwear before going out on the town.

This season’s Drinking With the Stars will feature Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, Amy Winehouse, Danny Devito, Mel Gibson, Kiefer Sutherland, Ty Pennington, and David Hasselhoff.

Al Gore, widely recognized as an authority on Global Boring — raising the boredom level of the entire planet — today announced the release of a new documentary, An Incessant Truth.

With the fate of his speaking career arguably hanging in the balance, An Incessant Truth may prove to be one of the most important and prescient documentaries in the history of Al Gore.

As he jokingly refers to himself,  former President-elect  Al Gore felt an urgent personal calling to draw attention — as he had been doing throughout his political career — to himself.

In the first two hours of the 12-hour documentary, Gore drones on about politics, climate change, the global economy, the mainstream media, ethical forthrightness, education, health care, the Internet, online organizing, his childhood, his family, his coin collection, his favorite foods, what he likes to watch on television, how he organizes his sock drawer, and God only knows what else. Thus far, no reviewer has been able to remain conscious to see the remainder of the film.

Gore’s previous film, An Assault on Consciousness, won an Oscar for “Least Animated Actor in a Documentary Feature.”