Seeking to reduce wear-and-tear on their 71-year-old presidential candidate, Republicans announced today that a layer of protective plastic has been applied to Senator John McCain.
In a statement released earlier today, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan said, “Senator McCain is in excellent health, and we expect him to remain in good health for many years to come.”
“Therefore,” said Duncan, “this should be viewed simply as a precautionary measure, like putting a tarp on an old jalopy, or applying museum wax to a piece of antique furniture…wait…”
The plastic coating applied to Senator McCain is a durable, semi-permeable polymer that is resistant to scuffs, scratches, ultraviolet radiation, and liberal Democrats.
When not actively campaigning, McCain will be stored in an airtight glass case with an atmosphere of 99.6% nitrogen. According to Duncan, “any environment over 99.5% nitrogen will kill any parasitic organisms clinging to Senator McCain, with the exception of right-wing Republicans and conservative Christians, which can only be eradicated with high doses of gamma irradiation.”
