David Hoyle

“I was born under usual circumstances. But then I grew breasts…”

And so begins the new Playtex Pictures film The Curious Case of Benjamin Buxom, adapted from the 1920s story by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a man who develops large mammary glands. A man like any of us…except for the breasts.

We follow his story set in New Orleans from the end of World War I in 1918, into the 21st century, following his journey that is as unusual as any man’s life can be, especially if he has large breasts.

Directed by David Fincher and starring Brad Pitt as Benjamin, Cate Blanchett as Daisy, and Angelina Jolie’s breasts as The Breasts, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buxom is a grand tale of a not so ordinary man and the people and places he discovers along the way, the wet t-shirt contests he enters, the joys of a well-fitted bra, and the sadness of lower back pain.

SCRANTON, PA — According to industry sources, a tumult arose today at a staff meeting at data warehousing firm Infodatec as an attempt at sports-business metaphors degenerated into sexual innuendo.

“At first we had a hard time even getting to first base with our customers,” said Infodatec CEO Doug Barnes, beginning a discussion of poor sales figures with a series of baseball metaphors. “And I know everyone wanted to score. I know it’s been hard, really really hard. But now we’ve made it to second base, and we’re heading for third. We just need to keep swinging until we find the sweet spot. I know we can go all the way.”

Alluding to football, Barnes continued, “Or to put it another way, we need to use our big tight ends and keep grinding away until we score. We just need to blast it right up the middle. We need to really open up some holes and pound it through.”

Ignoring his audience’s increasing levels of discomfort and amusement, as well as frantic hand gestures by the Infodatec Human Resources Director, Barnes went on to conclude his remarks with a particularly unfortunate succession of basketball metaphors.

“We just really need to score. We’ve been dribbling all over the place, with balls flying everywhere, but now we need to penetrate and put it in the hole.”

For the first time in the storied history of competitive eating, a competitive vomiting match will immediately follow a competitive eating competition.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said International Competitive Vomiting Association chairman Chuck Upvurd. “It certainly seems like a no-brainer. For years we’ve had premier competitive eaters stuffing themselves to the bursting point, only to purge themselves aimlessly after each competition.”

According to Upvurd, it will be a win-win situation for athletes in both sports. Competitive eaters will have the opportunity to try their hand at competitive vomiting, and competitive vomiters — who typically gorge themselves before each match — will now be able to cross-train for both sports and potentially earn even greater glory.

But not all competitive vomiters are happy with the new arrangement. Craig Hurlzalot, winner of last year’s competitive vomiting world championship in Sydney, Australia (“The Chunder Down Under”), complains that “top vomiters shouldn’t be required to prepare for a match with a gun to our heads. Many of us like to take our time to prepare for a match, sometimes gorging ourselves over a period of days. My concern is that combining the two competitions will reduce the overall quality of both sports.”

Despite Hurlzalot’s comments, Upvurd is proceeding with the combined competition. “I’m sure there were objections before the first triathlon, too,” says Upvurd, “but now look at how popular they are. I’m sure our athletes can adapt to the new format.”

The first “bihurlathon” will consist of a competitive consumption of chili dogs, burritos, and a variety of under-cooked “manager’s special” meats, served with warm cans of Old Milwaukee beer and pitchers of Kahlua Sombreros, followed immediately by competitive vomiting. Contestants will be judged based on volume, color, distance, and overall artistic impression.

A new study released today by the Council of Economic Advisers indicates the the recession has not been caused by the mortgage crisis or failed economic policies, but has instead been brought about by a series of television commercials featuring Paul Michael Glaser.

Paul Michael Glaser

“Eight credit cards. That’s the number of credit cards the average American has in their wallet. Eight different cards,” intones Glaser in one of the ads sponsored by Consolidated Credit. “It’s so easy to get into trouble with credit card debt.”

In another ad, the former Starsky and Hutch star appears on a treadmill and warns the viewer: “You’re stuck on a treadmill! You’re making minimum payments on your credit cards, and you just don’t get anywhere!”

“Our studies show that these advertisements have single-handedly destroyed the confidence of the American consumer,” said a CEA spokesman. “The entire American — indeed, global — economy hinges on consumer confidence, and a willingness to obtain and buy with credit. Thanks to Mr. Glaser, that confidence has been completely shattered.”

Random surveys of consumers would seem to support the CEA findings. “I was planning on upgrading to a big flat screen TV with a home theater set up,” said Craig Cronin, a Boston area software engineer with a good salary and no credit card debt, “but I kept seeing those ads with the Starsky and Hutch guy. I made fun of them at first, but I guess it got me thinking. So I decided to stick with my old TV.”

For those with more serious financial issues, the ads are particularly devastating. “I want to smash the TV every time that ad comes on,” exclaimed Doug Larson, an unemployed technical writer. “Thank God I’ve got the credit cards to begin with, so I can still buy groceries. I don’t need the extra guilt trip at this point. And was he Starsky or Hutch?”

In yet another unsettling sign of the current troubled economic climate, Mystery Inc. announced today that they have layed off Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and the anthropomorphic Great Dane “Scooby-Doo.”

Shaggy and Scooby

“These cuts are by no means easy,” said a Mystery, Inc. spokesman in a statement released earlier today, “but are necessary to ensure the continued viability of Mystery, Inc. Both Shaggy and Scooby were underperforming assets, and could no longer be supported given the current economic realities.”

Witnesses reported seeing Shaggy and Scooby escorted from the Mystery Machine by armed security guards.

While no specific reasons were cited for the layoff, sources indicated that it had become increasingly difficult to justify the massive outlay of funds for Scooby-Snacks, given the lack of return on investment.

Recent unconfirmed rumors have also suggested that Velma Dinkley’s duties may be outsourced to a research firm in Bangalore, India. For the time being, Velma’s status remains uncertain.

When reached for comment, Shaggy had this to say: “I am like, totally bummed, man! I like, can’t believe this! Like, what do you think, Scoob old buddy?”

“Raggy! Relp me!” replied Scooby-Doo, leaping into Shaggy’s outstretched arms. “Raaaaaaagy!”