David Hoyle

A new study released today by the Council of Economic Advisers indicates the the recession has not been caused by the mortgage crisis or failed economic policies, but has instead been brought about by a series of television commercials featuring Paul Michael Glaser.

Paul Michael Glaser

“Eight credit cards. That’s the number of credit cards the average American has in their wallet. Eight different cards,” intones Glaser in one of the ads sponsored by Consolidated Credit. “It’s so easy to get into trouble with credit card debt.”

In another ad, the former Starsky and Hutch star appears on a treadmill and warns the viewer: “You’re stuck on a treadmill! You’re making minimum payments on your credit cards, and you just don’t get anywhere!”

“Our studies show that these advertisements have single-handedly destroyed the confidence of the American consumer,” said a CEA spokesman. “The entire American — indeed, global — economy hinges on consumer confidence, and a willingness to obtain and buy with credit. Thanks to Mr. Glaser, that confidence has been completely shattered.”

Random surveys of consumers would seem to support the CEA findings. “I was planning on upgrading to a big flat screen TV with a home theater set up,” said Craig Cronin, a Boston area software engineer with a good salary and no credit card debt, “but I kept seeing those ads with the Starsky and Hutch guy. I made fun of them at first, but I guess it got me thinking. So I decided to stick with my old TV.”

For those with more serious financial issues, the ads are particularly devastating. “I want to smash the TV every time that ad comes on,” exclaimed Doug Larson, an unemployed technical writer. “Thank God I’ve got the credit cards to begin with, so I can still buy groceries. I don’t need the extra guilt trip at this point. And was he Starsky or Hutch?”