For the first time in the storied history of competitive eating, a competitive vomiting match will immediately follow a competitive eating competition.
“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said International Competitive Vomiting Association chairman Chuck Upvurd. “It certainly seems like a no-brainer. For years we’ve had premier competitive eaters stuffing themselves to the bursting point, only to purge themselves aimlessly after each competition.”
According to Upvurd, it will be a win-win situation for athletes in both sports. Competitive eaters will have the opportunity to try their hand at competitive vomiting, and competitive vomiters — who typically gorge themselves before each match — will now be able to cross-train for both sports and potentially earn even greater glory.
But not all competitive vomiters are happy with the new arrangement. Craig Hurlzalot, winner of last year’s competitive vomiting world championship in Sydney, Australia (”The Chunder Down Under”), complains that “top vomiters shouldn’t be required to prepare for a match with a gun to our heads. Many of us like to take our time to prepare for a match, sometimes gorging ourselves over a period of days. My concern is that combining the two competitions will reduce the overall quality of both sports.”
Despite Hurlzalot’s comments, Upvurd is proceeding with the combined competition. “I’m sure there were objections before the first triathlon, too,” says Upvurd, “but now look at how popular they are. I’m sure our athletes can adapt to the new format.”
The first “bihurlathon” will consist of a competitive consumption of chili dogs, burritos, and a variety of under-cooked “manager’s special” meats, served with warm cans of Old Milwaukee beer and pitchers of Kahlua Sombreros, followed immediately by competitive vomiting. Contestants will be judged based on volume, color, distance, and overall artistic impression.
