David Hoyle

Rev. Al Sharpton today raised strong objections to the use of the term “Dark Matter” by astrophysicists.

At a rally in New York, Sharpton described the term as “insulting to African-Americans and people of color in general, and yet another glaring example of the deep racial divide that still exists in America today.”

“Okay, this is starting to get a little bit ridiculous,” said Dr. Kraig Nibson, chairman of the Astrophysics department at the University of Wynonna, when asked to comment. “We refer to it as Dark Matter because it does not emit light or any other type of radiation. Its presence can only be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter. We certainly didn’t mean to insult anyone.”

But Rev. Sharpton insisted that “they could have called it Invisible Matter or Unseen Matter. But no, they had to go with Dark Matter. Apparently it’s not enough to denigrate and disparage people of color here on Earth. Now you feel the need to project racism and intolerance to the very ends of the universe.”

“And don’t even get me started on Black Holes,” added Sharpton.

Seeking to cash in on the recent wave of colon cleansing products, Coca-Cola today announced the launch of a new soft drink, “Coca-Colon.”

The colon cleanser market has exploded in recent months, with a wide variety of products promising to flush toxin-filled fecal matter stuck inside the colon, thereby reducing bloating and constipation and improving overall health.

Asked how they intend to compete in an already bloated market, Coca-Colon spokesperson Wi Pu Long said, “Sure, there are a lot of colon cleansers already out there. But this is the first one to combine a powerful colon cleanser with the great taste of Coke.”

“We are flush with cash and will bring all of our resources to bear in dominating this market, ” said Long, discussing market projections. “We intend to be number one in ‘number two’.”

Coca-Colon advertising will feature reworked versions of previously successful ad campaigns, including:

• “You’ll Go Better with Coke.”
• “It’s the Real Gross Thing.”
• “Coke Is Sh_t!”