David Hoyle

In a continued attempt to reduce widespread fears about the economy and give his programs time to work, President Barack Obama today again reminded Americans to count their blessings.

“Things could be worse,” said President Obama. “A lot worse. This may be the worst recession since the Great Depression, but at least it’s not a depression yet. There have been no runs on banks. No one is jumping out of windows on Wall Street. Well, okay, a few people killed themselves after that Bernie Madoff thing, but still…”

The President recently seems to be employing  the psychological tactic of Defensive Pessimism, or “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  “There can be an adaptive benefit to thinking through worse-case scenarios,” said Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Embrace the Pain. “Negative thinking can sometimes be an effective strategy for managing anxiety.  Indulging in negative thoughts can help people do their best by preparing for the worst.”

Obama went on to point out that, “Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve lost your house. Maybe you’re living in a homeless shelter, or in your car, or under a bridge. But at least you don’t have cancer.”

“Or maybe you have cancer, but your chances for survival are pretty good, say better than 50-50,” said the President, “and you’re not coughing up blood yet. And you still have control of your bowels.”

“Or maybe you are completely incontinent and coughing up buckets of blood,” continued Obama, “but at least you’re not dead yet. Oh, you may long for death and release from the indescribable pain you are in…but at least you are not dead yet.”

“Or maybe you are dead,” concluded Obama. “But I think most of us believe that we go to a better place when we die, so even then you’d be in pretty good shape. So, even worse-case scenario, no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay.”

In an effort to improve its battered image with an outraged American public, the embattled AIG (American International Group) today announced that it is changing its name to “Consolidated Investment Associates,” or CIA.

Acknowledging that the acronym is already widely used to refer to the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, Edward Liddy, the CEO of the former AIG, admitted that “This was in fact a deliberate public relations maneuver. Congress regularly gives billions of dollars to the CIA without yelling at anyone, or even asking questions about where the money is going, so that sounded pretty darned good to us at this point.”

The new company name was conceived by the Makeoffsky Group, a New York public relations firm that reportedly received in the neighborhood of $165 million of American taxpayers’ money to develop the new corporate identity. Other possible new names that were considered for the former AIG were said to include:

• Make-A-Wish
• The Girl Scouts of America
• Childhood Leukemia Foundation
• Christian Children’s Fund
• Paralyzed Veterans of America
• Feed the Children
• Habitat for Humanity
• The American Cancer Society
• The Roman Catholic Church

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BURLINGTON, MA — Authorities continued to work today to determine why a software engineer went off on a rampage yesterday, shooting 10 co-workers before barricading himself in his mother’s basement.

The shootings happened Tuesday afternoon at Imsosoft, a Boston-area software development firm, and were believed to be the work of Zdantmyltz Tsadzpomsyck, a programmer in his 40s who lives with his mother and once worked at Microsoft.

Referred to by his co-workers simply as “Z,” due to the fact that his name is unpronounceable, Tsadzpomsyck is believed to be from Finland, Iceland, or possibly Uzbekistan.

The shooting spree began around 3:30 p.m. Tuesday when Tsadzpomsyck approached Cobey Brandt, an Imsosoft technical writer. “Z started asking about the release notes, but he seemed sort of nervous, and I noticed that he had his right hand behind his back,” said Brandt. “Then the next thing I knew he started shooting.”

Brandt was shot multiple times with a Nerf N-Strike Maverick, a semi-automatic weapon that can fire up to six Nerf Micro Darts. “He emptied the clip, so I thought that was that and I could get back to work, but then he reloaded and started blasting away again,” said Brandt. “I think he could tell I was starting to get angry, because suddenly he just left.”

Next, Tsadzpomsyck went to the front of the building, where he attacked Sandy Dawes, a receptionist. “I saw Z coming at me with the Nerf gun,” said Dawes, “and at first I didn’t think he was serious. I mean, it’s pretty juvenile. But then he started shooting.” Dawes tried to hide under the reception desk but was still struck multiple times.

Tsadzpomsyck then proceeded to roam the building with a variety of Nerf weapons, shooting eight more employees seemingly at random. After running out of Nerf darts, Tsadzpomsyck fled the building, drove home, and barricaded himself inside his basement apartment at his mother’s house.

But apparently “Z” wasn’t finished yet. Later that afternoon, several workers were showered with Nerf balls when they opened a break room cabinet that had apparently been booby-trapped. And the Imsosoft Human Resources Director, Nancy Smoltz, was shot with a Nerf USB missile launcher controlled by Tsadzpomsyck via a remote desktop connection. “I stopped by Z’s cubicle to have a discussion about appropriate workplace conduct, when suddenly I was pelted with Nerf darts,” said Smoltz, who now plans to send Tsadzpomsyck a sternly-worded email message and CC his supervisor.

Authorities at Imsosoft believe that the stress of an upcoming code freeze may have led to the rampage. “Z’s got like thirty open bugs to clear by Friday,” said Doug Barnes, Imsosoft VP of Engineering, “so I know he’s stressed, but he needs to stop fooling around and just get them done.”

Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.

“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”

Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”

Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”

“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”

“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.

“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”