Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.
“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”
Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”
Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”
“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”
“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.
“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”
