David Hoyle

Catch Mexico fever!

Imagine lounging on white sand beaches…visiting ancient ruins…taking massive doses of antiviral medications…

All this and more can be yours in beautiful Mexico!

Visit Mexico…because chances are you won’t die!

In Mexico there are over 180 golf courses, dozens of luxury hotels, a swine flu epidemic, and several violent drug cartels armed with automatic weapons. But chances are pretty good that you won’t die!

And you’ll never get bored — there’s always something to keep you on the go!

Get a great deal on a Mexico vacation package!

Right now is a great time to book a vacation to Mexico! Great airline seats are available — you can pretty much have any seat you want — and hotel rooms in Mexico are cheap (and so is human life!).

So don’t wait! Call your travel agent now to book your vacation to Mexico!

Visit Mexico — where the fun is contagious!

SESAME STREET (AP) — CDC officials confirmed today that Miss Pigathius “Piggy” Lee, widely known as “Miss Piggy,” has been involuntarily detained and quarantined pending the outcome of testing to determine whether or not she has been infected with the swine flu virus.

Officials were alerted to the potentially deadly situation by Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy’s common-law husband. Kermit became alarmed after Miss Piggy developed flu-like symptoms shortly after returning from a vacation trip to Cancun, Mexico.

“Miss Piggy just kept saying,  ‘Oh, Kermie, Oh Kermie,’ and smothering me with kisses, even though I kept asking her to stop,” said Kermit. “Then I saw the news reports about swine flu.” As a precautionary measure, CDC officials have also quarantined Kermit the Frog.

Sesame Street police reported that Miss Piggy, who holds a pink belt in Pig Kwon Do, actively and violently resisted detainment, assaulting officers with a series of karate chops and kicks while shrieking, “HAI-YA!”

Ultimately, police were forced to use a taser to subdue Miss Piggy.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said today that a total of seven cases of a previously undetected strain of mime flu have been confirmed in humans in the United States.

The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called mime influenza A H1N11, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in humans before. The new strain attacks the vocal cords of its victims, rendering them unable to speak and prone to rampant, uncontrollable pantomime.

The first two cases were picked up through a special influenza monitoring program, with stations in San Diego and El Paso, Texas. The program aims to detect new cases through routine and expanded surveillance for people walking against nonexistent wind, pulling or climbing imaginary ropes, or leaning against imaginary objects.

“Mime flu depletes the amount of hemoglobin and lowers the blood pressure of its victims, causing their faces to take on an extremely pale complexion,” said  Dr. Lynne Guini, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Pantomime. “Also, for reasons not currently understood, victims of mime flu feel the need to don black and white striped shirts, black pants, black hats, and black or white gloves.”

Symptoms of mime flu in humans are expected to resemble regular human seasonal influenza symptoms, including fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, and coughing.

Other reported symptoms include pretending to eat food, walking in place, climbing imaginary ladders, and becoming trapped inside invisible walls.

Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid mime flu:

1) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with mimes.

2) Decontaminate mimes with hydrogen peroxide.

3) Quarantine mime flu victims inside invisible walls until symptoms abate.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said today that a total of seven cases of a previously undetected strain of swine flu have been confirmed in humans in the United States.

A swine flu victim

The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called swine influenza A H1N1, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in either humans or pigs before. The new strain triggers mutations that cause humans to spontaneously generate some of the physical characteristics of pigs.

The first two cases were picked up through a special influenza monitoring program, with stations in San Diego and El Paso, Texas. The program aims to detect new cases through routine and expanded surveillance for people with pig faces.

“One of the victims is a young girl suddenly cursed with a pig face,” said  Dr. Anne Chovi, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Plot Summary. “She is isolated by her parents, but then breaks free to discover life beyond the protective walls of her home. The curse will be lifted when she can get someone to love her for herself…or when researchers develop a new swine flu vaccine.”

Medical personnel who have contracted swine flu

At this point, the ability for the human influenza vaccine to protect against this new swine flu strain is unknown, and medical personnel treating swine flu victims run a higher risk of contracting the disease, she said.

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are expected to resemble regular human seasonal influenza symptoms, including fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, and coughing.

Another victim of swine flu

Other reported symptoms include runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and growing a pig nose, snout, or a cute squiggly tail.

“There is no danger from contracting the virus from eating pork products,” Chovi said, “but you probably want to stop hanging out with pigs.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that same-sect marriage is now legal in California.

In past statements,  Schwarzenegger has said he personally believes marriage should be between two people “regardless of their religious affiliation, as long as they’re not gay or anything,” and has rejected legislation authorizing same-sect marriage. Yet he has also said he would not care if same-sect marriage were legally mandated, saying he believed that such an important societal issue should be determined by the voters or the courts.

“I think a Catholic should be able to marry a Catholic, a Jew should be able to marry a Jew, and a Mormon should be able to marry one or more Mormons,” said Schwarzenegger. “You start mixing things up, maybe it’s not so good. It can certainly make things more complicated with holidays. And it can make it a lot more difficult to deal with the in-laws.”

“It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax,” concluded Schwarzenegger.^*

But when reached for comment, California Supreme Court Chief Justice Ronald M. George pointed out that “as far as I know, so-called ‘same-sect’ unions, or marriages between two people of the same religion, have been always been allowed in California, as have interfaith marriages. So I’m not sure what the Governor’s point is. But as long as you’re not gay, you’re good to go.”

* Actual quote.

A 47-year-old charity worker who says she has never been kissed is now a YouTube sensation after a singing performance that wowed the notoriously harsh talent judge Simon Cowell.

The YouTube video of Susan Boyle's performance has had more than 5 million hits

Susan Boyle, from West Lothian in Scotland, appeared on the television show “Britain’s Got Talent” last weekend with an inauspicious start.

Slightly plump with short brown curly hair, and bearing a striking resemblance to former Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, Boyle stood somewhat uncomfortably in the middle of the stage wearing a gold lace sheath. She told the judges and the audience of the show that she was single, she lived with her cat, Pebbles, and she had never been kissed.

“I’m trying to be a professional singer,” Boyle asserted, as the audience laughed. “Or possibly Communist Party Chairman.”

When she added that she wanted to be as famous as Elaine Paige, who’s been called the “first lady of British musical theater,” some members of the audience snickered and rolled their eyes.

But after Boyle sang the first few notes of “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical “Les Miserables,” the audience erupted in wild cheers and applause, and two of the three judges’ jaws dropped.

The applause lasted the length of her performance, which ended with the crowd on its feet. Cowell, who also serves as a judge on “American Idol” and who’s known for his stinging criticism of those he deems to have no talent, said Boyle’s performance was fantastic.

“I knew the minute you walked out on that stage that we were going to hear something extraordinary,” he proclaimed. “And I also felt you might invade Czechoslovakia.”

In another disturbing attack on a shipping vessel, a US cargo ship today was seized by a desperate and lawless band of high-seas fitness instructors.

Using AK-47 assault rifles and large excercise balls to take control of the ship, the Pilates trainers forced the crew to assume a variety of supine positions and perform a series of excercises with control, precision, and the correct use of breath.

The 20 US Nationals were then forced at gunpoint to put the series of individual excercise components together and employ them in Pilates matwork excercises.

The second-in-command, Capt. Doug Barnes of Plymouth, Massachusetts, called his wife at 10 a.m EDT and told her that Pilates had taken over the ship, which was carrying food aid for Africa, before dawn local time.

“They’ve been relatively safe, for the most part. I guess maybe it was inevitable,” she said. “They’re all pretty out of shape, just sitting around all day on a ship packed with food. My husband is a pretty smart man. He knows the protocol. He’ll do what he needs to do to keep the crew safe, even if it means placing a soft ball or cushion between his inner thighs while dropping his belly and breathing wide and deep into his back, and then sliding his shoulder blades and ribs towards his lifted pelvis.”

US officials fear that some crew members may have been injured during a series of pelvic tilts. According to unconfirmed reports, some crew members may not have moved between the posterior and anterior pelvic tilts by curling through the pelvis, but instead attempted the flattening and arching of the spine by simply pressing down and lifting up, thus creating a strain and the potential for injury.

The crew was eventually released after agreeing to pay $80 each for the one-hour Pilates session.

Maritime experts theorize that the recent wave of Pilates attacks on shipping may be due to the bad economy. “They can’t book enough sessions on land to make ends meet, so they’ve taken to the high seas to look for new customers,” said Capt. Joseph Crusty, a professor at the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. “And flabby, unarmed crew members are easy targets.”

Frustrated that her petition to adopt a second Malawian child was rejected by a local judge, Madonna has decided to instead adopt a section of Interstate 75 near her childhood home in Rochester Hills, Michigan.

“Madonna  was extremely disappointed that she wasn’t allowed to adopt a second Malawian child, especially after all she’s done for the Malawians,” said Madonna’s publicist. “And she just really felt the need to adopt something, ideally a child. And adopting a pet just wasn’t going to cut it after she had her sights set on a human being. So she decided to go with a highway.”

According to her publicist, “Madonna will pick up litter three times a year from the highway roadsides in her designated area. Well, she won’t actually do it herself; she’ll pay someone else to do it.”

Madonna’s name will be posted on an official Adopt-A-Highway sign that will be displayed on her two-mile stretch of I-75.  She will also receive a certificate of participation which she intends to proudly display whilst skanking about in music videos wearing clothing more appropriate for adult entertainment workers thirty years younger than she.

In a shocking disclosure, the CERN Laboratory today revealed that one of its research scientists used the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to heat a Lean Cuisine frozen entree.

The Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, intended to collide opposing particle beams at extremely high energies.

According to CERN Research Director Professor Rolf-Dieter Stoufferz, “The LHC was not designed to heat food, and Alfredo Pasta with Chicken and Broccoli was not part of our series of regularly scheduled experiments. We are more interested in generating subatomic particles such as the Higgs Boson, rather than healthy and delicious dinner entrees.”

The unauthorized experiment was performed by Dr. Hugh Junger, a gifted but eccentric scientist with dual PhDs in Quantum Physics and Hotel & Restaurant Management.

“There was a line for the break room microwave AGAIN,” said Junger. “This thing cost billions to build, but for some reason we only have one freakin’ microwave for like, 10,000 people. And I was starving. So I figured what the hey, dual proton beams with an energy of 7 TeV per particle ought to heat my ‘Fredo up with a quickness.”

Proton beams converge on the Alfredo Pasta, reducing it to subatomic particles

Unfortunately  for Junger, the Lean Cuisine entree was vaporized almost instantaneously, yeilding equal amounts of pasta and anti-pasta, gamma rays, and a Quark-gluon plasma in a creamy alfredo sauce.

Undeterred, Junger plans a series of experiments with microwave popcorn.