In a shocking disclosure, the CERN Laboratory today revealed that one of its research scientists used the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to heat a Lean Cuisine frozen entree.
The Large Hadron Collider
The Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, intended to collide opposing particle beams at extremely high energies.
According to CERN Research Director Professor Rolf-Dieter Stoufferz, “The LHC was not designed to heat food, and Alfredo Pasta with Chicken and Broccoli was not part of our series of regularly scheduled experiments. We are more interested in generating subatomic particles such as the Higgs Boson, rather than healthy and delicious dinner entrees.”
The unauthorized experiment was performed by Dr. Hugh Junger, a gifted but eccentric scientist with dual PhDs in Quantum Physics and Hotel & Restaurant Management.
“There was a line for the break room microwave AGAIN,” said Junger. “This thing cost billions to build, but for some reason we only have one freakin’ microwave for like, 10,000 people. And I was starving. So I figured what the hey, dual proton beams with an energy of 7 TeV per particle ought to heat my ‘Fredo up with a quickness.”
Proton beams converge on the Alfredo Pasta, reducing it to subatomic particles
Unfortunately for Junger, the Lean Cuisine entree was vaporized almost instantaneously, yeilding equal amounts of pasta and anti-pasta, gamma rays, and a Quark-gluon plasma in a creamy alfredo sauce.
Undeterred, Junger plans a series of experiments with microwave popcorn.
