In another disturbing attack on a shipping vessel, a US cargo ship today was seized by a desperate and lawless band of high-seas fitness instructors.
Using AK-47 assault rifles and large excercise balls to take control of the ship, the Pilates trainers forced the crew to assume a variety of supine positions and perform a series of excercises with control, precision, and the correct use of breath.
The 20 US Nationals were then forced at gunpoint to put the series of individual excercise components together and employ them in Pilates matwork excercises.
The second-in-command, Capt. Doug Barnes of Plymouth, Massachusetts, called his wife at 10 a.m EDT and told her that Pilates had taken over the ship, which was carrying food aid for Africa, before dawn local time.
“They’ve been relatively safe, for the most part. I guess maybe it was inevitable,” she said. “They’re all pretty out of shape, just sitting around all day on a ship packed with food. My husband is a pretty smart man. He knows the protocol. He’ll do what he needs to do to keep the crew safe, even if it means placing a soft ball or cushion between his inner thighs while dropping his belly and breathing wide and deep into his back, and then sliding his shoulder blades and ribs towards his lifted pelvis.”
US officials fear that some crew members may have been injured during a series of pelvic tilts. According to unconfirmed reports, some crew members may not have moved between the posterior and anterior pelvic tilts by curling through the pelvis, but instead attempted the flattening and arching of the spine by simply pressing down and lifting up, thus creating a strain and the potential for injury.
The crew was eventually released after agreeing to pay $80 each for the one-hour Pilates session.
Maritime experts theorize that the recent wave of Pilates attacks on shipping may be due to the bad economy. “They can’t book enough sessions on land to make ends meet, so they’ve taken to the high seas to look for new customers,” said Capt. Joseph Crusty, a professor at the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. “And flabby, unarmed crew members are easy targets.”
