The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said today that a total of seven cases of a previously undetected strain of mime flu have been confirmed in humans in the United States.
The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called mime influenza A H1N11, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in humans before. The new strain attacks the vocal cords of its victims, rendering them unable to speak and prone to rampant, uncontrollable pantomime.
The first two cases were picked up through a special influenza monitoring program, with stations in San Diego and El Paso, Texas. The program aims to detect new cases through routine and expanded surveillance for people walking against nonexistent wind, pulling or climbing imaginary ropes, or leaning against imaginary objects.
“Mime flu depletes the amount of hemoglobin and lowers the blood pressure of its victims, causing their faces to take on an extremely pale complexion,” said Dr. Lynne Guini, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Pantomime. “Also, for reasons not currently understood, victims of mime flu feel the need to don black and white striped shirts, black pants, black hats, and black or white gloves.”
Symptoms of mime flu in humans are expected to resemble regular human seasonal influenza symptoms, including fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, and coughing.
Other reported symptoms include pretending to eat food, walking in place, climbing imaginary ladders, and becoming trapped inside invisible walls.
Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid mime flu:
1) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with mimes.
2) Decontaminate mimes with hydrogen peroxide.
3) Quarantine mime flu victims inside invisible walls until symptoms abate.
