David Hoyle

Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice

WASHINGTON — Top Bush administration officials gave the CIA approval to use wakeboarding, a controversial interrogation technique, as early as 2002, a Senate intelligence report shows.

On July 17, 2002, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, who later became secretary of state, said the CIA could proceed with “alternative interrogation methods,” including wakeboarding, when questioning  suspected al Qaeda terrorist detainees.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Wakeboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which a detainee’s feet are attached to a small wooden or fiberglass board. The detainee is then towed at a high rate of speed behind a small boat with a powerful inboard or outboard engine.

The wakeboarder is forced to stay upright on the board for prolonged periods to avoid “wiping out” and experiencing temporary simulated drowning.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is Wakeboarded

The controversial technique was used in Guantanamo Bay at least 83 times in August 2002 on suspected al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah, according to the report.

Interrogators also wakeboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in March 2003. Mohammed is believed to be the mastermind behind the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States.

Interrogators had already extracted the majority of actionable intelligence from Mohammed after the first 83 wakeboardings, but apparently Mohammed had developed a “sick” half-tuck somersault flip with “serious hang time,” so the interrogators decided to just continue to let Mohammed “shred it out to the max.”

The American Civil Liberties Union and international human rights activists are appalled at the disclosures.

“It was bad enough that wakeboarding was used to begin with,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Ann Tagonistic, “but the addition of a series of floating ramps to encourage freestyle jumps was simply unconscionable.”

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed airs it out in Guantanamo Bay

“These men are more suited to the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan than the waters of the Caribbean,” said Tagonistic. “Strapping their feet to a board and towing them behind a speedboat certainly constitutes a radical departure from humane interrogation techniques. They experienced forced inhalation of exhaust fumes, repeated violent immersion, and they were exposed to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation.  And they also got water up their noses.”

Wielding powerful endoscopic suction devices, doctors today removed several liters of toxic bile from former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney has recently been spewing toxic bile uncontrollably on almost a daily basis, spraying both Democrats and Republicans with bitter acidic fluids from deep within his gut.

Humans normally produce 400-800 ml of bile each day to aid in fat absorption and digestion. But apparently  Cheney suffers from “Unmitigated Gall Bladder,” a condition in which the liver and gall bladder produce several liters of thick, viscous black bile each day.

This hyper-production of bile leads to a reflux of copious volumes of toxic fluids through the bile ducts and into the stomach and esophagus,  resulting in a huge pressure dome of noxious bile that eventually spews forth volcanically and indiscriminately.

Complicating matters, the former Vice President has recently suffered from a chronically enlarged spleen. Surgeons implanted a series of filtered stents, which helped relieve pressure, but the procedure also resulted in the unwanted side-effect of Cheney venting his spleen regularly and voluminously.

“As a result,” said Dr. Chip Zansalsa, Chairman of the Gastrobiology and Digestion Clinic at the University of Wynonna, “Cheney was unrelentingly and indiscriminately spewing forth huge amounts of virulent bile on a daily basis on both friend and foe alike. If you have these types of symptoms — randomly spewing bile, delusional thinking, lashing out indiscriminately — please see your doctor.”

Dr. Zansalsa went on to point out the recent case involving radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who was widely considered to be psychotic until a routine medical examination revealed a large crustacean lodged in his rectum.

“Following a prolonged series of surgeries, Rush is now doing fine,” said Zansalsa. “He’s as gentle as a kitten.”

Vanished into thin air: David Copperfield

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Police in Las Vegas, Nevada confirmed today that magician David Copperfield has vanished. Copperfield was last seen at the MGM Grand Hotel last weekend, where he was performing.

Police are investigating the disappearance, but have little evidence to work with. “It’s like he just vanished into thin air,” said Las Vegas Police Detective Jim Nasium. “One second he was there, and then ‘poof,’ he was gone.” Police are unsure if Copperfield’s disappearance may be linked to recent legal troubles, or whether foul play is involved.

Disappeared: Penn & Teller

But this is not the first time a magician has disappeared. Coming on the heels of last week’s Penn & Teller disappearance, police are beginning to wonder if some sort of pattern is emerging. Magician David Blaine was feared missing earlier this week, but was later found buried in a glass coffin in New York. And a panic ensued when magician Doug Henning could not be located for several days, until authorities determined that he had died in 2000.

Missing since 2000: Doug Henning

“This may be the work of a celebrity stalker,” said Forensic Psychologist Ann Teeter, “or it could be that these illusionists have simply decided to disappear. Men like these can carry invisible wounds, and sometimes tend to build invisible fences around themselves.”

In addition to David Copperfield, police are also asking the public to call in if they have any information regarding the whereabouts of a missing Lear jet, a vanished train car, or the Statue of Liberty.