David Hoyle

(CNN) — In the wake of the “Underwear Bomber” attack — in which an alleged terrorist unsuccessfully tried to detonate his explosive underwear on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit — leading counter-terrorism experts and sociologists agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about the incident.

“Three hundred people nearly lost their lives, so there’s certainly nothing to joke about,” said Richard Hertz, a senior official with the Department of Homeland Security. “For example, it would be completely inappropriate to refer to the explosive device as ‘Fruit of Ka-Boom,’ or to use the phrase ‘Great Balls of Fire’ to describe the attempted detonation.”

“This story obviously involves the fusion of classic comedic elements — namely, underpants and explosives — and would seem to be ripe for the cathartic release that humor can provide in coping with difficult or frightening situations,” says social behaviorist  Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Mind, Self, and Society: I’ll Make My Students Buy This Book. But it also involves terrorism, which has been forbidden territory for jokes ever since 9-11. You just don’t go there.”

One aspiring stand-up comic — who did not wish to be identified — found out the hard way. “I was at a party the other night when in walks my friend Chris, who happens to be Nigerian, just like the Underwear Bomber. So I go up to him and say, ‘Hey Chris, is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ Chris just looked at me like I was insane, and everyone was like, ‘Not cool, man. Not cool.’ So obviously at that point I forgot about trying my ‘Molotov Crotch-Fail’ routine.”

According to experts, the following comedic words and phrases should be avoided at all costs when discussing the Underwear Bomber:

• Fruit of Ka-Boom
• Victoria’s Secret Weapon
• BVD TNT
• Cannon Balls
• Explosive “Package”
• Great Balls of Fire
• Projectile Dysfunction
• Battle of the Bulge
• Crotch Rocket
• Trouser Howitzer
• Jock Wave
• Jock and Awe
• Pant Payload
• Bum Blast
• Smoking Gun
• Jocked and Loaded
• Molotov Crotchtail
• Pipe Bomb
• Plasdick Explosive
• Trouser Torpedo
• IED (Improvised Explosive Drawers)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Diaper)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Depends)
• Is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Defense attorneys have asked Dr. Downer for help in defending the Underwear Bomber,  Nigerian national Umar Heylook Atthebombinmyunderpants. “They’re trying to erect a defense, but in my opinion they’re flying by the seat of their pants,” said Downer. “At any rate, I’ve agreed to file a pair of briefs. No pun intended.”

Amish mantle and miracle nuclear heater help home heat bills hit rock bottom

Nuclear heaters being given away free with orders for real Amish nuclear fireplace mantles to announce the invention that helps slash heat bills, but Amish craftsmen under strain of early Christmas rush and radiation sickness force household limit of 2

Save money: uses long-lasting nuclear fuel, so turn down your thermostat and never be cold again

By Adam Splidder — ESL Media Syndicate

(EMS) Everyone hates high heat bills. But we’re all sick and tired of simply turning down the thermostat and then being cold.

Well now, the popular NUKE SURGE^® miracle heaters are actually being given away free to the general public for the next 7 days starting at precisely 8:00 a.m. today.

This is all happening to announce the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace which actually rolls from room-to-room radiating heat so you can turn down your thermostat and take the heat with you anywhere. That way, everyone who gets them first can immediately start saving on their heating bills.

Just in time for winter weather, free portable Amish nuclear fireplaces are being delivered directly to the doors of all those who beat the deadline.

These remarkable fireplaces are being called a miracle because they have what’s being called the Atomic Flame™ patented technology that gives you the peaceful flicker of a real atomic chain reaction but without any flames, fumes, smells, ashes, or mess. Everyone is getting them because they require no chimney and no vent. You don’t even have to plug them in.

The Atomic Flame looks so real it amazes everybody because it has no real fire. The heat radiation penetrates deep into your body tissues to give you a warm glow all over, even if you are in a different room, or upstairs, or down in the basement, or outside. So what’s the catch? How can we afford to give away free Amish nuclear heaters?

The Amish are known for their kindness and humble pride in a job well done. They separate themselves from mainstream society and are recognized for their plain clothing, avoidance of modern conveniences, and superior craftsmanship. Holmes County, Ohio is home to one of the largest population of Amish in the world. So we rounded up every last one of them and put them in forced labor camps. That way, we don’t have to pay them, and we can pass the savings along to you!

But even with slave labor the demand for these miracle heaters is so great that the soft-spoken Amish craftsmen who are forced at gunpoint to hand-build the mantles cannot keep up. And the radiation sickness isn’t helping, either. So we must enforce a strict household limit of 2 to keep up with orders.

“We can barely keep up ever since we started giving heaters away free. With winter just around the corner, everyone’s trying to get them. Enslaved Amish craftsmen are working their fingers to the bone to be sure everyone gets their delivery in time for Christmas,” confirms Henry Himmler, National Shipping Director. “And this is with regular beatings and torture. But I guess I could threaten to kill their families or something.”

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China coast. Each NUKE SURGE heater uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE. It produces an amazing 5,000,000,000 BTUs on the high setting, and is hotter than the surface of the sun. Take that, Old Man Winter! An on-board powerful hi-tech heat turbine silently forces incredibly hot radioactive plasma out into the room so you feel the bone-melting heat instantly. It even has certification of Undertested Laboratories coveted UL listing and comes with a full 30-day Money Back Guarantee.

And here’s the best part. Readers who beat the 7-day order deadline are getting their imported hi-tech miracle atomic heaters free when encased  in the Amish slave-labor-built real wood fireplace mantles. You just can’t find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores. That makes the mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight million dollars since the entire cost of the nuclear heater is free.

How to get 2 free heaters

The National Toll Free Hotlines are now open. Use the map below to locate the zone you live in and call the Hotline number for your zone.

EVERYONE IN ZONE	EVERYONE IN ZONE	EVERYONE IN ZONE
"Cold if you're a wuss"	"Pretty Freaking Cold"	"Really Freaking Cold"
START CALLING AT	START CALLING AT	START CALLING AT
8:00 AM TODAY	8:30 AM TODAY	9:00 AM TODAY
1-866-555-1234	1-866-555-5678	1-866-555-4321

Be sure to call the correct number at the correct time, because if you call the wrong number at the wrong time, we’ll send a couple of non-Amish guys to your house to beat the living crap out of you. And you won’t get your heater.

Please don’t delay. People are flocking to take advantage of this amazing deal on the the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Not only are they flocking, but they’re also forming herds and other types of animal groups I can’t think of right now. Even people in California and Florida who aren’t that cold and don’t trust nuclear technology are lining up to get their two free Amish nuclear heaters.

So place your order today. Then we can have a delivery truck out to your door right away with your beautiful NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Then just pull out the control rods and you’ll instantly feel bone-melting heat in every room. You will never have to be cold again.

(more…)

(CNN) — Golfer Tiger Woods apologized Wednesday for “using his club” improperly to score a “hole in one” that let his family down — the same day a gossip magazine published a report alleging he had an affair.

In an attempt to address the allegations while still preserving his privacy, the golfer chose to employ a series of golf-themed euphemisms rather than discuss specific details of sexual impropriety.

“I have used my club improperly, and I regret that with all of my heart. I am totally in the rough on this issue. There has been too much wild swinging, and too many reckless strokes of the shaft, with balls flying everywhere. Somehow I was swallowed by the long grass, and I came out of the rough hot and heavy.  So now it’s time for me to put my club away and walk away from the hole,” he said in a statement on his official Web site.

Woods did not admit to an affair and offered no details about the “hole in one” in his statement, but he did seem to allude to the possibility of more than one affair, saying “Actually, it’s more like hole in ones. Or holes in one. Or hole in more than one. Let’s just say there were several holes.”

“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. But the head on my driver is enormous, and I couldn’t resist using my long iron to drive to the hole.  Mostly I would stick it close and finish up, but sometimes I would play it from behind the hole and back it up. Sometimes I would bone it, and other times I would hit a screamer. I think there were even a couple of rim jobs…where I just lipped it out…”

Woods went on to maintain that his recent actions are largely a product of his environment. “All day long, day in and day out, all I hear is, ‘Put it in the hole Tiger! Come on Tiger, put it in the hole! Get it in the hole, Tiger! Just put it in the hole! GET IT IN THERE! IN THE HOLE!’ I mean, just what the heck do you expect?”