Amish mantle and miracle nuclear heater help home heat bills hit rock bottom
Nuclear heaters being given away free with orders for real Amish nuclear fireplace mantles to announce the invention that helps slash heat bills, but Amish craftsmen under strain of early Christmas rush and radiation sickness force household limit of 2
Save money: uses long-lasting nuclear fuel, so turn down your thermostat and never be cold again
By Adam Splidder — ESL Media Syndicate
Careful with that reactor, Jedediah.
(EMS) Everyone hates high heat bills. But we’re all sick and tired of simply turning down the thermostat and then being cold.
Well now, the popular NUKE SURGE® miracle heaters are actually being given away free to the general public for the next 7 days starting at precisely 8:00 a.m. today.
This is all happening to announce the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace which actually rolls from room-to-room radiating heat so you can turn down your thermostat and take the heat with you anywhere. That way, everyone who gets them first can immediately start saving on their heating bills.
Just in time for winter weather, free portable Amish nuclear fireplaces are being delivered directly to the doors of all those who beat the deadline.
This is not just some guy dressed up in Amish attire. It's a real Amish guy. No, seriously. And they're working in a genuine Amish Quonset hut.
These remarkable fireplaces are being called a miracle because they have what’s being called the Atomic Flame™ patented technology that gives you the peaceful flicker of a real atomic chain reaction but without any flames, fumes, smells, ashes, or mess. Everyone is getting them because they require no chimney and no vent. You don’t even have to plug them in.
The Atomic Flame looks so real it amazes everybody because it has no real fire. The heat radiation penetrates deep into your body tissues to give you a warm glow all over, even if you are in a different room, or upstairs, or down in the basement, or outside. So what’s the catch? How can we afford to give away free Amish nuclear heaters?
The Amish are known for their kindness and humble pride in a job well done. They separate themselves from mainstream society and are recognized for their plain clothing, avoidance of modern conveniences, and superior craftsmanship. Holmes County, Ohio is home to one of the largest population of Amish in the world. So we rounded up every last one of them and put them in forced labor camps. That way, we don’t have to pay them, and we can pass the savings along to you!
"It is the Lord's will that we are forced to toil long hours each day, endlessly polishing nuclear fireplace mantles in some sort of wooden Quonset hut."
But even with slave labor the demand for these miracle heaters is so great that the soft-spoken Amish craftsmen who are forced at gunpoint to hand-build the mantles cannot keep up. And the radiation sickness isn’t helping, either. So we must enforce a strict household limit of 2 to keep up with orders.
“We can barely keep up ever since we started giving heaters away free. With winter just around the corner, everyone’s trying to get them. Enslaved Amish craftsmen are working their fingers to the bone to be sure everyone gets their delivery in time for Christmas,” confirms Henry Himmler, National Shipping Director. “And this is with regular beatings and torture. But I guess I could threaten to kill their families or something.”
The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China coast. Each NUKE SURGE heater uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE. It produces an amazing 5,000,000,000 BTUs on the high setting, and is hotter than the surface of the sun. Take that, Old Man Winter! An on-board powerful hi-tech heat turbine silently forces incredibly hot radioactive plasma out into the room so you feel the bone-melting heat instantly. It even has certification of Undertested Laboratories coveted UL listing and comes with a full 30-day Money Back Guarantee.
The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China. It uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE!
And here’s the best part. Readers who beat the 7-day order deadline are getting their imported hi-tech miracle atomic heaters free when encased in the Amish slave-labor-built real wood fireplace mantles. You just can’t find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores. That makes the mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight million dollars since the entire cost of the nuclear heater is free.
How to get 2 free heaters
The National Toll Free Hotlines are now open. Use the map below to locate the zone you live in and call the Hotline number for your zone.
United States temperature zones
| EVERYONE IN ZONE | EVERYONE IN ZONE | EVERYONE IN ZONE |
|---|---|---|
| "Cold if you're a wuss" | "Pretty Freaking Cold" | "Really Freaking Cold" |
| START CALLING AT | START CALLING AT | START CALLING AT |
| 8:00 AM TODAY | 8:30 AM TODAY | 9:00 AM TODAY |
| 1-866-555-1234 | 1-866-555-5678 | 1-866-555-4321 |
Be sure to call the correct number at the correct time, because if you call the wrong number at the wrong time, we’ll send a couple of non-Amish guys to your house to beat the living crap out of you. And you won’t get your heater.
Please don’t delay. People are flocking to take advantage of this amazing deal on the the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Not only are they flocking, but they’re also forming herds and other types of animal groups I can’t think of right now. Even people in California and Florida who aren’t that cold and don’t trust nuclear technology are lining up to get their two free Amish nuclear heaters.
So place your order today. Then we can have a delivery truck out to your door right away with your beautiful NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Then just pull out the control rods and you’ll instantly feel bone-melting heat in every room. You will never have to be cold again.
Each Amish nuclear fireplace comes with two naked blond women. Champagne and fruit sold separately.
