David Hoyle

(CNN) — In the wake of the “Underwear Bomber” attack — in which an alleged terrorist unsuccessfully tried to detonate his explosive underwear on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit — leading counter-terrorism experts and sociologists agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about the incident.

No luggage, paid cash, Dad warned American embassy. Red flags? What red flags?

“Three hundred people nearly lost their lives, so there’s certainly nothing to joke about,” said Richard Hertz, a senior official with the Department of Homeland Security. “For example, it would be completely inappropriate to refer to the explosive device as ‘Fruit of Ka-Boom,’ or to use the phrase ‘Great Balls of Fire’ to describe the attempted detonation.”

“This story obviously involves the fusion of classic comedic elements — namely, underpants and explosives — and would seem to be ripe for the cathartic release that humor can provide in coping with difficult or frightening situations,” says social behaviorist  Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Mind, Self, and Society: I’ll Make My Students Buy This Book. But it also involves terrorism, which has been forbidden territory for jokes ever since 9-11. You just don’t go there.”

Fruit of the Boom

One aspiring stand-up comic — who did not wish to be identified — found out the hard way. “I was at a party the other night when in walks my friend Chris, who happens to be Nigerian, just like the Underwear Bomber. So I go up to him and say, ‘Hey Chris, is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ Chris just looked at me like I was insane, and everyone was like, ‘Not cool, man. Not cool.’ So obviously at that point I forgot about trying my ‘Molotov Crotch-Fail’ routine.”

According to experts, the following comedic words and phrases should be avoided at all costs when discussing the Underwear Bomber:

• Fruit of Ka-Boom
• Victoria’s Secret Weapon
• BVD TNT
• Cannon Balls
• Explosive “Package”
• Great Balls of Fire
• Projectile Dysfunction
• Battle of the Bulge
• Crotch Rocket
• Trouser Howitzer
• Jock Wave
• Jock and Awe
• Pant Payload
• Bum Blast
• Smoking Gun
• Jocked and Loaded
• Molotov Crotchtail
• Pipe Bomb
• Plasdick Explosive
• Trouser Torpedo
• IED (Improvised Explosive Drawers)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Diaper)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Depends)
• Is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Defense attorneys have asked Dr. Downer for help in defending the Underwear Bomber,  Nigerian national Umar Heylook Atthebombinmyunderpants. “They’re trying to erect a defense, but in my opinion they’re flying by the seat of their pants,” said Downer. “At any rate, I’ve agreed to file a pair of briefs. No pun intended.”