David Hoyle

LOS ANGELES — In a career move that many public relations experts are describing as “ingenious,” Mel Gibson will temporarily abandon film-making and pursue a new career as a hip hop recording artist.

If the b--ch steps up with a baby, I'm slappin' the ho.

Stung by recently released tapes of him ranting uncontrollably and profanely at Oksana Grigorieva, mother of his 8-month-old daughter — as well as previous anti-Semitic and racist remarks — Gibson’s career appeared to be in serious jeopardy.

But in the world of hip hop, these apparent liabilities become assets.

“It’s a great career move for Mel Gibson at this point,” said Ron Gidear, whose public relations firm has represented hip hop artists such as Not So L’il Wayne, 75 Cent, 6Pac, Jay A-Z, and Enema-em.

“He’s hateful and violent toward women,” says Gidear. “He’s also extremely loud, incredibly profane, and he even uses the ‘n’ word with a high degree of comfort. He has all the hallmarks of a great hip hop artist.”

Honey, I'm home!

Gibson has been recording furiously, as well as sampling the tapes of his phone calls to Grigorieva.

He will release his first single next week on Bad Idea Records, tentatively entitled, “If You Don’t Shut the F— Up, I Will F—ing Kill You B–ch,” and will follow that with an “unplugged” acoustic recording entitled, “Go to the F—ing Jacuzzi By Yourself, You F—ing C—,You Don’t Love Me, I Will F—ing Kill You.”

Gibson is still trying to settle on a stage name for his new hip hop career, but is said to be considering one of the following:

• MWA (Mel With Attitude)
• RaveHeart
• Domestic Lethal Weapon
• The F-word Warrior
• Really Really Mad Max

With apologies to Eminem, Rihanna, and dermatologists everywhere.

Love To Lie Outside

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 1 - Eminem]
I can’t tell you what the Sun really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s radiation from the sunlight
I can’t breathe but I still fight because it’s too bright
As long as tanning feels right it’s like I’m in a fight

High off of love, drunk from sunscreen
It’s like I’m huffin’ SPF 50 spray and I love her
The more I spray on, I suffocate
Right before she’s about to brown, she irradiates
Sunscreen, she friggin’ hates it and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I’m laying out.
No you ain’t. Come back. I’m putting sunblock on your back.

Here we go again, it’s so insane
‘Cause with skin cancer, the risk is great
I’m Superman with sunscreen in his pack
She’s Lois Lane, but she burns so easy, it’s awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, “Please wear a hat!”
I know it must sound lame
I laid hands on her, I’ll never apply lotion so low again
I guess I don’t know about SPF strength

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 2 - Eminem]
You ever love somebody so pale,
you could barely see ’cause they glowin’?
They burn, so bad they don’t even know what hit ‘em
Got that sick hot feeling, yeah, them chills, get used to ‘em
Now you gettin’ friggin’ sick of the peelin’ skin
You swore you’d never hug ‘em, never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re workin’ on her rubbin’ Noxzema on the burns when you treat em’
You peel, peel off the dead skin, it’s so disgustin’
Throw skin down, coat the floor, so now I have to vacuum

It’s the rays that took over, they control you both
So they say, you’re best to go out on cloudy days
Guess that they don’t know you ’cause today,
That was yesterday, yesterday was cloudy, it’s a sunny day
Seems like melanoma’s getting closer
But you promised her, next time you wouldn’t nag
Sneaking sunblock in her bag
Life is no day at the beach, but you lost again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Without applying any sunscreen

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 3 - Eminem]
Now I know I said things, did things that might seem mean
Because I think you should but you won’t, apply sunscreen
But your skin is just as pale as mine is
You’re as white as me
When it comes to tanning you’re just so blinded

Baby, please cover your back, it wasn’t you, Baby, it was UVs.
Maybe sunscreen isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when there’s a hole in the ozone
All I know is I love you too much to watch you burn so
Come inside, pick up your beachbag off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear skin care in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is your skin, look I hate to heckle
Next time you burn, you’ll get some extra freckles
Next time? There won’t be no next time
You moisturize, even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games, I just want her covered with sun protection factor
If she ever tries to friggin’ tan again,
I’ma tie her to the chaise lounge and set her outside all afternoon
I’m just gonna

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

With apologies to Beyonce Knowles…

Stinky Ladies (Put Febreze On It)

All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies

Now put your hands up
Stink up the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Di’int like the smell and now you wanna yell
Cause another brother caught a whiff of me

I’m up on him, he can’t smell me
Cause his nose don’t really function
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya di’int like the smell of me

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be crazy no I won’t put Febreze on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
And I’m not gonna put Summer’s Eve on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it

I got my last wish, a man who likes fish
Got me low tide in my Dereon jeans
Smellin’ so harsh, just like a salt marsh
I can care less that I stink

You were so mean, said I was unclean
Don’t go dissin’ my personal hygiene
Cause you had your chance to get in my pants
But you compared it to really old sushi

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he don’t vomit
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

Don’t treat me like I’m a bad girl
If I smell like a dead squirrel
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here’s a man that smells me then tells me
I love the skanky beauty, of your pungent booty
Pull me into your arms, make my odor your own
If you don’t, then I’ll be gone
But my smell will linger on

All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Maybe I should try and put some Massengill in it
But if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I think your gonna have to learn how to live with it
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

(CNN) — The US Department of Homeland Security today announced a new strategy in the war on terror.

KillAmericanistan

Results of a joint study conducted by the CIA and the Theodor Geisel Advanced Research Institute strongly indicate the importance of words that rhyme with “an” in pinpointing terrorist groups.

“First we had the Taliban in Afghanistan,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The Taliban allowed a madman to hatch a plan to attack Manhattan. When Americans attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan, they turned and ran and took refuge in Pakistan. Clearly, there is a pattern here.”

At least one leading terrorism expert agrees. “It’s not just the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan,” says Middle East authority Stan Mahan, Ph.D., who teaches in Michigan, and is the author of Ban the Taliban: A New Plan for Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Sure, it all began in Afghanistan. But there’s a terrorist clan in Sudan, as well as that madman in Iran. Let’s not forget that the Fort Hood shooter was Nidal Malik Hasan. And who was he shooting at? Tex-ans.”

The CIA and US Military will continue to conduct operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and will closely monitor Sudan. Closer attention will also be paid to possible emerging threats in Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Attackistan, and KillAmericanistan.

Going forward, the Department of Homeland Security will devote more resources to investigate potential domestic terrorism threats, including but not limited to celebrities such as Justine Bateman, Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, David Letterman, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, and Pee Wee Herman. Homeland Security also plans to closely monitor recording artists Steely Dan, Manfred Mann, Duran Duran, and Bob Dylan.

What euphemism — other than “disco stick,” which she already used –  for a particular portion of the male anatomy should Lady Gaga use in her next hit song?

Just a quick public service reminder.

• Buy this road sign!

Ah, Sundays & Holidays. A perfect time to eat, drink, and be nauseous. Scarfing down junk food. Binge drinking. Projectile vomiting. Good times, good times. But for the rest of the week, you need to reign it in.  That’s where this sign comes in handy. You’re welcome.