(CNN) — The US Department of Homeland Security today announced a new strategy in the war on terror.
KillAmericanistan
Results of a joint study conducted by the CIA and the Theodor Geisel Advanced Research Institute strongly indicate the importance of words that rhyme with “an” in pinpointing terrorist groups.
“First we had the Taliban in Afghanistan,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The Taliban allowed a madman to hatch a plan to attack Manhattan. When Americans attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan, they turned and ran and took refuge in Pakistan. Clearly, there is a pattern here.”
At least one leading terrorism expert agrees. “It’s not just the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan,” says Middle East authority Stan Mahan, Ph.D., who teaches in Michigan, and is the author of Ban the Taliban: A New Plan for Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Sure, it all began in Afghanistan. But there’s a terrorist clan in Sudan, as well as that madman in Iran. Let’s not forget that the Fort Hood shooter was Nidal Malik Hasan. And who was he shooting at? Tex-ans.”
The CIA and US Military will continue to conduct operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and will closely monitor Sudan. Closer attention will also be paid to possible emerging threats in Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Attackistan, and KillAmericanistan.
Going forward, the Department of Homeland Security will devote more resources to investigate potential domestic terrorism threats, including but not limited to celebrities such as Justine Bateman, Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, David Letterman, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, and Pee Wee Herman. Homeland Security also plans to closely monitor recording artists Steely Dan, Manfred Mann, Duran Duran, and Bob Dylan.
