David Hoyle

Don King and Sy Sperling

Men, are you concerned about thinning hair? Well, now there’s an exciting new hair replacement option!

The Don King Hair Club for Men

Hello, I’m Sy Sperling, President of Hair Club for Men™. Don King and I have joined forces to create an exhilarating new method of hair enhancement.

With our patented, state-of-the-art process, thinning hair is replaced with thick, luxurious Don King Hair™.

Almost completely natural…and durable!

We clone Don King’s actual hair cells and bond the harvested hair follicles to Kevlar microfibers. The result is a thick head of Don King Hair that not only looks great, but is also flame-retardant and partially bulletproof.

With the Don King hair replacement system, you can jog, play basketball, swim, or even stick your head in a hibachi: your Don King hair will always look almost completely natural!

Get your Don King Hair today!

To find out more about Don King Hair Club’s strand-by-strand hair enhancement system, call today: 1-800-BAD-HAIR.

And remember…I’m not only the Don King Hair Club president…but I’m also a client!

I don’t know what your plans are for the big day, but I’m planning on hunkering down in the “loo” with several rolls of William and Kate Bathroom tissue.

This delightful commemorative toilet paper features a portrait of Prince William and Kate Middleton on every sheet. That way, even though you may not have a role in William and Kate’s wedding, at least you can have a roll in your bathroom!

Don’t like the royals? Well, there’s no need for violence. You don’t need to wipe them out, just wipe them on…your posterior! It’s jolly good fun — and jolly good hygiene!

“Incredibly fresh breath…and excrement!”

Do you have bad breath? Does your offal smell awful? Well, now there’s a gum that freshens your breath and your feces. It’s new ExcreMint!™

New ExcreMint™ is more than just another chewing gum! Thanks to frankly reckless application of recent breakthroughs in Quantum Organic Biochemistry, each piece of ExcreMint gum is actually a multistage, sub-molecular, masticatory delivery system designed to ruthlessly eradicate odors from the entire human digestive system. And it tastes great!

Here’s how it works. The crunchy outer shell delivers a burst of polycrystalline micro-phages. These Flavocrystals™ tunnel deep into the flesh of your tongue, providing hours of fresh breath, along with relatively insignificant tissue damage.

"Look upon my minty-fresh poop, ye mighty, and despair!"

As you chew ExcreMint, submicroscopic bio-plasmoids race through your digestive system to your large intestine, where they encase the bacteria that cause fecal odor in a non-permeable plasmordial membrane.

Finally, in a process not yet fully understood by scientists, subatomic particles –  tentatively referred to as “poo-ons” — convert the dying fecal bacteria into a fresh, minty scent that lasts for months, and possibly years.

When you chew ExcreMint, you’ll always have unbelievably fresh breath. Breath so fresh it’s scary. Your breath will actually frighten people. And your poop will smell so minty-fresh that you’ll flush less often, saving hundreds each year on your water bill!

With new ExcreMint, you’ll have unbelievably fresh breath, minty-fresh excrement, and you’ll save money!  So what are you waiting for? Chew some ExcreMint today!

Be sure to try our other great flavors:

• Crappuccino
• Froot Poops
• Poo-pourri
• Chanel No. 2

And remember to tell your friends…

“Everyone’s chewing ExcreMint!”™

Amish mantle and miracle nuclear heater help home heat bills hit rock bottom

Nuclear heaters being given away free with orders for real Amish nuclear fireplace mantles to announce the invention that helps slash heat bills, but Amish craftsmen under strain of early Christmas rush and radiation sickness force household limit of 2

Save money: uses long-lasting nuclear fuel, so turn down your thermostat and never be cold again

By Adam Splidder — ESL Media Syndicate

Careful with that reactor, Jedediah.

(EMS) Everyone hates high heat bills. But we’re all sick and tired of simply turning down the thermostat and then being cold.

Well now, the popular NUKE SURGE^® miracle heaters are actually being given away free to the general public for the next 7 days starting at precisely 8:00 a.m. today.

This is all happening to announce the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace which actually rolls from room-to-room radiating heat so you can turn down your thermostat and take the heat with you anywhere. That way, everyone who gets them first can immediately start saving on their heating bills.

Just in time for winter weather, free portable Amish nuclear fireplaces are being delivered directly to the doors of all those who beat the deadline.

This is not just some guy dressed up in Amish attire. It's a real Amish guy. No, seriously. And they're working in a genuine Amish Quonset hut.

These remarkable fireplaces are being called a miracle because they have what’s being called the Atomic Flame™ patented technology that gives you the peaceful flicker of a real atomic chain reaction but without any flames, fumes, smells, ashes, or mess. Everyone is getting them because they require no chimney and no vent. You don’t even have to plug them in.

The Atomic Flame looks so real it amazes everybody because it has no real fire. The heat radiation penetrates deep into your body tissues to give you a warm glow all over, even if you are in a different room, or upstairs, or down in the basement, or outside. So what’s the catch? How can we afford to give away free Amish nuclear heaters?

The Amish are known for their kindness and humble pride in a job well done. They separate themselves from mainstream society and are recognized for their plain clothing, avoidance of modern conveniences, and superior craftsmanship. Holmes County, Ohio is home to one of the largest population of Amish in the world. So we rounded up every last one of them and put them in forced labor camps. That way, we don’t have to pay them, and we can pass the savings along to you!

"It is the Lord's will that we are forced to toil long hours each day, endlessly polishing nuclear fireplace mantles in some sort of wooden Quonset hut."

But even with slave labor the demand for these miracle heaters is so great that the soft-spoken Amish craftsmen who are forced at gunpoint to hand-build the mantles cannot keep up. And the radiation sickness isn’t helping, either. So we must enforce a strict household limit of 2 to keep up with orders.

“We can barely keep up ever since we started giving heaters away free. With winter just around the corner, everyone’s trying to get them. Enslaved Amish craftsmen are working their fingers to the bone to be sure everyone gets their delivery in time for Christmas,” confirms Henry Himmler, National Shipping Director. “And this is with regular beatings and torture. But I guess I could threaten to kill their families or something.”

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China coast. Each NUKE SURGE heater uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE. It produces an amazing 5,000,000,000 BTUs on the high setting, and is hotter than the surface of the sun. Take that, Old Man Winter! An on-board powerful hi-tech heat turbine silently forces incredibly hot radioactive plasma out into the room so you feel the bone-melting heat instantly. It even has certification of Undertested Laboratories coveted UL listing and comes with a full 30-day Money Back Guarantee.

The NUKE SURGE miracle heater is a work of engineering genius from the China. It uses stolen nuclear fuel, which is absolutely FREE!

And here’s the best part. Readers who beat the 7-day order deadline are getting their imported hi-tech miracle atomic heaters free when encased  in the Amish slave-labor-built real wood fireplace mantles. You just can’t find custom made Amish mantles like this in the national chain stores. That makes the mantle a real steal for just two hundred ninety-eight million dollars since the entire cost of the nuclear heater is free.

How to get 2 free heaters

The National Toll Free Hotlines are now open. Use the map below to locate the zone you live in and call the Hotline number for your zone.

United States temperature zones

Be sure to call the correct number at the correct time, because if you call the wrong number at the wrong time, we’ll send a couple of non-Amish guys to your house to beat the living crap out of you. And you won’t get your heater.

Please don’t delay. People are flocking to take advantage of this amazing deal on the the NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Not only are they flocking, but they’re also forming herds and other types of animal groups I can’t think of right now. Even people in California and Florida who aren’t that cold and don’t trust nuclear technology are lining up to get their two free Amish nuclear heaters.

So place your order today. Then we can have a delivery truck out to your door right away with your beautiful NUKE SURGE Heat-n-Glow® nuclear fireplace. Then just pull out the control rods and you’ll instantly feel bone-melting heat in every room. You will never have to be cold again.

Each Amish nuclear fireplace comes with two naked blond women. Champagne and fruit sold separately.

(more…)

Catch Mexico fever!

Imagine lounging on white sand beaches…visiting ancient ruins…taking massive doses of antiviral medications…

All this and more can be yours in beautiful Mexico!

Visit Mexico…because chances are you won’t die!

In Mexico there are over 180 golf courses, dozens of luxury hotels, a swine flu epidemic, and several violent drug cartels armed with automatic weapons. But chances are pretty good that you won’t die!

And you’ll never get bored — there’s always something to keep you on the go!

Get a great deal on a Mexico vacation package!

Right now is a great time to book a vacation to Mexico! Great airline seats are available — you can pretty much have any seat you want — and hotel rooms in Mexico are cheap (and so is human life!).

So don’t wait! Call your travel agent now to book your vacation to Mexico!

Visit Mexico — where the fun is contagious!

Introducing NEW ComaToes

ComaToes^TM are a simple way to get permanent relief for your overworked feet. Just relax. ComaToes will do the work for you.

The patented ComaToes clamping mechanism gently but firmly deadens the nerve endings in your toes, while at the same time gradually cutting off blood circulation.¹

Your toe pain will be replaced with a blissful numbness, which will eventually be followed by a complete lack of feeling in your toes.²

What a relief!

ComaToes Can Help:

• Permanently eliminate toe pain.³
• Reduce the amount of blood needed by toes.
• Give your toes a rich, dark color.
• Place your toes into a state of suspended animation.
• Reduce or eliminate Restless Toe Syndrome.
• Eliminate toe circulation problems.
• Improve & reduce the aches & pains associated with having toes.

Make sure that you are getting the authentic ComaToes: Beware of imitations!

From the University of Wynonna School of Massage and Animal Husbandry, Cathy B. comparing ComaToes to an imitation product:

“What I did not like about the other product; they were too hard to get on my feet (they did not have openings for toes), they were bulky between the toes, and they did not eliminate my toe pain. After standing on my feet massaging and butchering animals all day long, I was ready to chop off my toes with a meat cleaver! Thanks to ComaToes, I did not have to resort to that. The pain was gone (along with my toes!). Thanks a million, ComaToes!”

1 ComaToes may cause permanent, irreversible damage to toes.
2 Use of ComaToes may lead to loss of toes.
3 By eliminating toes.

Seeking to cash in on the recent wave of colon cleansing products, Coca-Cola today announced the launch of a new soft drink, “Coca-Colon.”

The colon cleanser market has exploded in recent months, with a wide variety of products promising to flush toxin-filled fecal matter stuck inside the colon, thereby reducing bloating and constipation and improving overall health.

Asked how they intend to compete in an already bloated market, Coca-Colon spokesperson Wi Pu Long said, “Sure, there are a lot of colon cleansers already out there. But this is the first one to combine a powerful colon cleanser with the great taste of Coke.”

“We are flush with cash and will bring all of our resources to bear in dominating this market, ” said Long, discussing market projections. “We intend to be number one in ‘number two’.”

Coca-Colon advertising will feature reworked versions of previously successful ad campaigns, including:

• “You’ll Go Better with Coke.”
• “It’s the Real Gross Thing.”
• “Coke Is Sh_t!”

Imagine stepping back in time into a different world — a world of elegance, romance, beauty — and hypothermia. Now you can stop imagining and step aboard our full-scale replica ship on the Capsize Cruise Lines “Last Voyage of the Titanic”  tour.

You’ll enjoy gourmet meals and luxurious staterooms as we follow the actual course that the Titanic followed in 1912! Then we’ll ram full-speed into a real iceberg!

As the ship breaks apart and begins to sink, you’ll don your lifejacket and fight for a spot on a real lifeboat!  To ensure historical accuracy, there won’t be enough lifeboats for all of the passengers.*

You’ll hear actual cries for help from people clinging to wreckage in the icy waters of the North Atlantic. Some will survive the ordeal…some will not…but none will ever forget the “Last Voyage of the Titanic.”

* Some passengers may experience hypothermia or death by drowning.