David Hoyle

LOS ANGELES — In a career move that many public relations experts are describing as “ingenious,” Mel Gibson will temporarily abandon film-making and pursue a new career as a hip hop recording artist.

If the b--ch steps up with a baby, I'm slappin' the ho.

Stung by recently released tapes of him ranting uncontrollably and profanely at Oksana Grigorieva, mother of his 8-month-old daughter — as well as previous anti-Semitic and racist remarks — Gibson’s career appeared to be in serious jeopardy.

But in the world of hip hop, these apparent liabilities become assets.

“It’s a great career move for Mel Gibson at this point,” said Ron Gidear, whose public relations firm has represented hip hop artists such as Not So L’il Wayne, 75 Cent, 6Pac, Jay A-Z, and Enema-em.

“He’s hateful and violent toward women,” says Gidear. “He’s also extremely loud, incredibly profane, and he even uses the ‘n’ word with a high degree of comfort. He has all the hallmarks of a great hip hop artist.”

Honey, I'm home!

Gibson has been recording furiously, as well as sampling the tapes of his phone calls to Grigorieva.

He will release his first single next week on Bad Idea Records, tentatively entitled, “If You Don’t Shut the F— Up, I Will F—ing Kill You B–ch,” and will follow that with an “unplugged” acoustic recording entitled, “Go to the F—ing Jacuzzi By Yourself, You F—ing C—,You Don’t Love Me, I Will F—ing Kill You.”

Gibson is still trying to settle on a stage name for his new hip hop career, but is said to be considering one of the following:

• MWA (Mel With Attitude)
• RaveHeart
• Domestic Lethal Weapon
• The F-word Warrior
• Really Really Mad Max

“THE VAMPIRE DAIRIES” — Tuesdays (9:00-10:00 p.m. ET) on The CW network.

Plot Summary

Udderly Terrifying

Four months after the tragic farm accident that killed her parents,  a 3-year-old heifer named Elena is still trying to cope with her grief and move on with her life.

Elena has always been a star cow – beautiful, popular, and involved with the herd – but now she finds herself struggling to hide her sadness from the world.

Chewing cud and sucking blood

As another year begins, Elena and her friends are fascinated by a handsome and mysterious new steer, Stefan.

Stefan and Elena are immediately drawn to one another, but Elena has no way of knowing that Stefan is a centuries-old vampire cow, struggling to live peacefully among normal cows, while his brother Damon is the embodiment of vampire cow violence and brutality.

Now these two vampire cow brothers – one good, one evil – are at war for Elena’s soul and for the souls of her friends, family, and all the residents of the small dairy farming town of Styptic Falls, Vermont.

ATTENTION VAMPIRE DAIRIES FANS!!!

Get cool Vampire Dairies gear at the official Vampire Dairies online store!

MIAMI, FL — A night of revelry turned into tragedy last night at a Miami nightclub when an attractive young woman — referred to in modern urban vernacular as a “shawty” — was burned in a fire on the dance floor at the Mansion club.

Miami Fire Department investigators reported that the victim had been shaking her thang hotter than the sun in the south of Spain for a prolonged period.  According to eyewitness accounts, the shawty had just finished popping, locking, and dropping her birthday cake, when suddenly she burst into flame.

Shawty fire burning on the dance floor.

As of yet investigators do not know exactly what caused the the shawty to burst into flame. Preliminary findings would seem to point toward some sort of incendiary device under the dance floor, some sort of highly combustible liquid, or spontaneous booty combustion.

Club-goer Sean Kingston saw what happened and tried to summon help by repeatedly screaming, “Somebody call 911! She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor! That little shawty’s fire burning on the dance floor!”

Sean Kingston: Somebody call 911!

Despite Kingston’s efforts, the shawty was fully involved by the time firefighters arrived, and suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 80% of her body.

A distraught Kingston expressed sorrow at the tragic turn of events. “Her body was a masterpiece,” said Kingston, “the order is one in every hundred years. And I was planning on taking it home. So I guess I got burned, too. But maybe I can at least get a song out of all this.”

Shawty Fire Safety Tips

Fire prevention experts offer these tips to prevent shawty fires on dance floors:

• Keep combustible materials and liquids away from dance floors.
• Do not place incendiary devices underneath dance floors.
• Always keep a shawty extinguisher at the ready.
• When shaking your thang for prolonged periods, take frequent breaks to cool your thang down.
• Wear flame-retardant underwear.

Vanished into thin air: David Copperfield

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Police in Las Vegas, Nevada confirmed today that magician David Copperfield has vanished. Copperfield was last seen at the MGM Grand Hotel last weekend, where he was performing.

Police are investigating the disappearance, but have little evidence to work with. “It’s like he just vanished into thin air,” said Las Vegas Police Detective Jim Nasium. “One second he was there, and then ‘poof,’ he was gone.” Police are unsure if Copperfield’s disappearance may be linked to recent legal troubles, or whether foul play is involved.

Disappeared: Penn & Teller

But this is not the first time a magician has disappeared. Coming on the heels of last week’s Penn & Teller disappearance, police are beginning to wonder if some sort of pattern is emerging. Magician David Blaine was feared missing earlier this week, but was later found buried in a glass coffin in New York. And a panic ensued when magician Doug Henning could not be located for several days, until authorities determined that he had died in 2000.

Missing since 2000: Doug Henning

“This may be the work of a celebrity stalker,” said Forensic Psychologist Ann Teeter, “or it could be that these illusionists have simply decided to disappear. Men like these can carry invisible wounds, and sometimes tend to build invisible fences around themselves.”

In addition to David Copperfield, police are also asking the public to call in if they have any information regarding the whereabouts of a missing Lear jet, a vanished train car, or the Statue of Liberty.

A 47-year-old charity worker who says she has never been kissed is now a YouTube sensation after a singing performance that wowed the notoriously harsh talent judge Simon Cowell.

The YouTube video of Susan Boyle's performance has had more than 5 million hits

Susan Boyle, from West Lothian in Scotland, appeared on the television show “Britain’s Got Talent” last weekend with an inauspicious start.

Slightly plump with short brown curly hair, and bearing a striking resemblance to former Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, Boyle stood somewhat uncomfortably in the middle of the stage wearing a gold lace sheath. She told the judges and the audience of the show that she was single, she lived with her cat, Pebbles, and she had never been kissed.

“I’m trying to be a professional singer,” Boyle asserted, as the audience laughed. “Or possibly Communist Party Chairman.”

When she added that she wanted to be as famous as Elaine Paige, who’s been called the “first lady of British musical theater,” some members of the audience snickered and rolled their eyes.

But after Boyle sang the first few notes of “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical “Les Miserables,” the audience erupted in wild cheers and applause, and two of the three judges’ jaws dropped.

The applause lasted the length of her performance, which ended with the crowd on its feet. Cowell, who also serves as a judge on “American Idol” and who’s known for his stinging criticism of those he deems to have no talent, said Boyle’s performance was fantastic.

“I knew the minute you walked out on that stage that we were going to hear something extraordinary,” he proclaimed. “And I also felt you might invade Czechoslovakia.”

Frustrated that her petition to adopt a second Malawian child was rejected by a local judge, Madonna has decided to instead adopt a section of Interstate 75 near her childhood home in Rochester Hills, Michigan.

“Madonna  was extremely disappointed that she wasn’t allowed to adopt a second Malawian child, especially after all she’s done for the Malawians,” said Madonna’s publicist. “And she just really felt the need to adopt something, ideally a child. And adopting a pet just wasn’t going to cut it after she had her sights set on a human being. So she decided to go with a highway.”

According to her publicist, “Madonna will pick up litter three times a year from the highway roadsides in her designated area. Well, she won’t actually do it herself; she’ll pay someone else to do it.”

Madonna’s name will be posted on an official Adopt-A-Highway sign that will be displayed on her two-mile stretch of I-75.  She will also receive a certificate of participation which she intends to proudly display whilst skanking about in music videos wearing clothing more appropriate for adult entertainment workers thirty years younger than she.

“I was born under usual circumstances. But then I grew breasts…”

And so begins the new Playtex Pictures film The Curious Case of Benjamin Buxom, adapted from the 1920s story by F. Scott Fitzgerald about a man who develops large mammary glands. A man like any of us…except for the breasts.

We follow his story set in New Orleans from the end of World War I in 1918, into the 21st century, following his journey that is as unusual as any man’s life can be, especially if he has large breasts.

Directed by David Fincher and starring Brad Pitt as Benjamin, Cate Blanchett as Daisy, and Angelina Jolie’s breasts as The Breasts, The Curious Case of Benjamin Buxom is a grand tale of a not so ordinary man and the people and places he discovers along the way, the wet t-shirt contests he enters, the joys of a well-fitted bra, and the sadness of lower back pain.

Celebrities distributed throughout 11 states, including Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney, are being recalled because of possible E! coli contamination, federal officials say.

The U.S. Department of Celebriculture said today that so far no illnesses have been reported from celebrities such as Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. The agency was uncertain how many stars are being recalled, but it is believed that the recall includes Nicole Kidman, Harrison Ford, and John Travolta.

The recalled celebrities, such as Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton, are usually marked with one or more tattoos, including tribal dragons, wings, butterflies, Hebrew and Sanskrit characters, flowers, names of family members, or Chinese symbols.

E! coli, a potentially deadly bacteria carried by celebrities like Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, and Kenny Chesney, can cause diarrhea, dehydration and kidney failure.

Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid E! coli:

1) People who must handle celebrities, such as agents, publicists, and massage therapists, should WASH THEIR HANDS thoroughly after using the bathroom or changing diapers.

2) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with celebrities or their environments (award shows, movie premiers, spas, or television and movie sets).

3) Avoid raw celebrities, such as Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna, and Dennis Rodman.

4) Decontaminate celebrities with hydrogen peroxide.

An international team of expert climbers will make a second attempt to scale Amy Winehouse’s hair sometime in the next few days.

A recent first attempt to reach the summit of the singer’s hair nearly ended in disaster when Winehouse got into a drunken brawl outside a London bar.

According to expedition leader Sir Nigel Plonker, “things got pretty hairy for awhile there, if you’ll pardon the expression. With Amy thrashing about, all we could do was bivouac for the night and hold on for dear life. We were extremely lucky to make it off of her hair alive.”

With Amy currently in a downward spiral of self-destructive behavior, the team hopes for more favorable climbing conditions in the coming days.

“The short-term forecast calls for alcohol and drug-fueled rampages, which are not favorable conditions for an attempt on Amy’s hair, ” said Plonker, “but the long-term forecast calls for incarceration or involuntary commitment to a rehab facility, either of which would constitute ideal climbing conditions.”

The American Respiratory Theater, in association with the American Lung Association, is pleased to announce an off-Broadway production of The Sound of Mucus.

In the play, Maria, a severely asthmatic postulant at the Nonnberg Abbey in Austria in the late 1930′s, disrupts the entire convent with her severe asthma attacks. Maria is often forced outside to the nearby mountains, and soon “The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Mucus.”

The mother Abbess, convinced that Maria needs some time away from the Abbey to give the rest of the nuns a break from her ceaseless hacking, assigns her to be the governess for the family of Captain Georg von Trapp, a retired naval officer and widowed father of seven asthmatic children.

The Captain and Maria have radically different ideas about how children with asthma should be treated. The Captain believes the children should use a long-term inhaled corticosteroid. While he is away, Maria ignores his instructions and introduces the children to short-term bronchodilators.

The Captain has been courting Baroness Elsa Schraeder from the sophisticated social circles of Vienna, but she is driven away by the constant coughing, wheezing, and mucus stains on her evening gowns, and it is the unsophisticated Maria who wins his heart.

Meanwhile, the clouds of war are hanging over Europe. The Nazis take over Austria and order the Captain to return to active military service. The family’s last chance to escape comes at a Alpine mucus festival. After the performance, they disable the pursuing Gestapo by coughing up a thick coating of slippery mucus, and are able to slip away and cross the mountains to safety.