David Hoyle

WASHINGTON — In a heated closed-door session today with fellow Republicans, House Speaker John A. Boehner stiffened his opposition to a compromise deficit reduction deal that included the radical approach of raising taxes while lowering spending.

Boehner: rhymes with "toner"

A visibly aroused Boehner sprang up and forcefully addressed his fellow members, insisting that they instead endorse his original deficit reduction plan, which consists of massive tax cuts along with invading another country to deflect attention from the deficit.

“We have a large and powerful caucus,” ejaculated Boehner, “and right now it’s a passionately inflamed caucus. Now is not the time for us to soften our resolve. We know it’s going to be hard, but it’s been hard for a while now, hard on all of us. We need to take our members out in public and let people know that we have erected a plan that will deeply satisfy the American people.”

Immediately after his intense ejaculation, Boehner suddenly went limp, giving the head of the GOP an appearance of infirmity. “It was like all the blood drained out of him,” said a fellow Republican. With Boehner no longer standing erect, the once-swollen caucus gradually diminished in size as members drifted outside to smoke cigarettes and cuddle.

ATHENS — In what some are calling a back-door maneuver, Greek politicians have rammed through an unpopular package of austerity measures designed to rein in debt levels that threaten to torpedo the country’s economy.

Greece: the bottom of Europe

But not all Greeks feel comfortable accepting the large package. “We’re not just going to bend over and take it,” said one protester. “It just doesn’t feel right, and it really hurts.”

Putting It Up: Greek Assets

The plan calls for probing Greek assets, then offering the best Greek assets to the highest bidder. “You can kiss your big Greek assets goodbye,” commented one official.

The aim is to cut $20 billion in public spending while raising a further $20 billion by asking Greek workers to actually do something. When that part of the plan fails, Greek officials plan to use the threat of global economic collapse to obtain more loans.

To help stimulate the economy, the Greek government also plans to release 30 million barrels of oil from its Strategic Olive Oil Reserve.

Standing Behind the Greeks

Despite the uncomfortable Greek position — deep in arrears — the International Monetary Fund is pouring cash into Greece just so it can pay its debts.

“We stand firmly behind the Greeks,” said an IMF spokesman, “and we will continue to relentlessly inject large volumes of liquidity to help lubricate the Greek economy.”

Why Does Greece Matter?

Greece is important because it is a wonderful place to vacation, especially if you don’t mind Greek men leering at your women, or having your wallet stolen.

Greece is also an important source of ancient ruins, Greek salads, feta cheese, insane drivers, shipping magnates, gyro-scopes, and ouzo.

How dangerous is your job?

The Bureau of Labor Statistics has released its annual report on fatalities in the workplace. According to the preliminary report, there were 5,079 fatal work injuries in 2010, a 17 percent increase from 2009. The final figures will be released in June 2011.

These jobs topped the list as the most dangerous in the country:

1. Crash Test Pilot
2. Tornado Balloonist
3. Tree Catcher
4. Killer Whale Proctologist
5. Camp Crystal Lake Counselor
6. Gun Cleaner
7. Human Guinea Pig
8. Chain Saw Juggler
9. Prison infirmary Candy Striper
10. Spider-Man: the Musical cast member

HOUSTON, TX — Seeking to expand its operations in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum today issued a statement promoting the relative safety of deep water drilling.

In a press conference today at BP America’s headquarters in Houston, a spokesperson said, “Sure, we may have killed some wildlife, contaminated miles of coastline, and disrupted the Gulf fishing industry. But at least our spill wasn’t radioactive.”

You can go with this, or you can go with that...

“We need to continue to provide America with the completely non-radioactive oil it needs to meet its energy requirements,”  the spokesperson continued. “Also, yacht racing season is coming up, and we could really use the extra cash.”

In related news, the Cape Wind project  — which involves spending billions of dollars for an offshore wind farm in Nantucket Sound, which makes sense because it will cost twice as much as a land-based wind farm — announced a new series of advertisements touting the safety of wind power. The campaign features the slogan, “When the wind is blowin’, you don’t need to be glowin’.

Not to be outdone, the US Solar Energy Council responded with its own timely slogan: “Solar Energy: the nuclear reaction is 93 million miles away.”

I recently started a new job, and one of my co-workers mentioned that everyone used IRC.

“IRC?” I said. “What’s that?”

“IRC is online chat,” he said. “Where have you been for the last ten years, in a cave?”

“No, in a mental hospital,” I replied. “But please tell me more about this IRC chat thing.”

“We all have this chat window on our computers so we can see who’s online and communicate with each other instantaneously,” he said. “That way, everyone is constantly interrupted, and nobody gets any work done.”

“That sounds great!” I said, and soon I had my very own IRC chat application installed. My friendly co-worker gave me a list of IRC chat abbreviations to use, so I thought I’d post them here, especially since I’ve come across so many inaccurate IRC abbreviations and acronyms out there. Don’t be misled — these are the real deal.

IRC Chat Abbreviations & Acronyms

AAAAAAAH — I am being stabbed
AAK — Asleep At KeyBoard
ACK — I am Bill the Cat
AFK — Away Fondling Kielbasa
AFR — Away From Reality
AHH — I am getting a massage
AHH OHH — I am getting a massage with a “happy ending”
ARF — I am a dog
ARGH — I am frustrated
ARRRRR — I am a pirate
ASAP — A stupid person
ATM — Abusing The Mutant
AYYYYYY — I am Fonzie
BB — Baking Brownies (defecating)
BBL_BM — Be Back Later – Bowel Movement
BBWAG — Be Back With A Gun
BBWHFO — Be Back When Hell Freezes Over
BFD — Back From the Dead
BIB — Back In Black
BJ — Back in a Jiffy
BM — Bowel Movement
BBM — Big Bowel Movement
BO — Being Online
BRB#1 — Be Right Back (I am urinating)
BBL#2 — Be Back Later (I am defecating)
BRBWJB — Be Right Back With Justin Bieber
BRA — Breasts Restrained Adequately
COZ — Bill Cosby
CU2NITE — You have a date with a nerd
DND — Doing Nothing Deliberately
DR — Dodging Responsibilities
EUI — Emailing Under the Influence
FC — FreeCell (playing)
FU — Friendliness Unleashed
FU ALL — Friendliness Unleashed on everyone
FYI — For You, Ignoramus
GAGA — Wearing an outlandish outfit
HBM — Huge Bowel Movement
IANAL — I’m Behind
IMO — In My Orifice
IMHO — In My Huge Orifice
IR8 — Angry
IYOHAB — If You Only Had A Brain
LBM — Liquid Bowel Movement
LOL — Loose Orifice Leaking
MNAH — My Nipples Are Hard
MOO — I am a cow
MTG — Milking The Goat
MTH — My Thing Hurts
NAK — Naked At Keyboard
NP — No Pants
NFWD — Naked From Waste Down
NWU — Not Wearing Underpants
PBM — Prolonged Bowel Movement
PDAA — Pants Down Around Ankles
PIB — Panties In a Bunch
PMS — Permissible Man Slaughter
PP — Urine/Urinating
PS — Passing Stone
SHTUPN — Shtupping
SO — Significant Odor
STD — Saving The Day
STM — Spanking The Monkey
TUI — Texting Under the Influence
TTT — Tickling The Taco
UBM — Unhealthy Bowel Movement
VD — Very Dedicated
VI — Vaginal Infection
WTF — Way Too Funny
WUI — Working Under the Influence
WUYB — What’s Up Your Butt?
YI — Yeast Infection
ZZZ — I have fallen asleep

BOSTON — A toy safety group has released its annual “10 Worst Toys” list, highlighting hidden dangers, such as lead solder used with a toy blowtorch, along with more obvious hazards, such as fruit-flavored marbles.

WATCH (Weird Ass Toys Causing Harm) has been compiling the annual list for 38 years. The consumer group says companies continue to manufacture toys that could be harmful to children.

2010 “10 Worst Toys” List

FridgeTown Fun House

FridgeTown Fun House — The FridgeTown® Fun House promises “hours of creative play” and claims to be “fully insulated for year-round fun!”

While we applaud the manufacturer’s efforts to recycle old refrigerators into children’s playhouses, we must also note that the conversion process does not involve removing the refrigerator doors, resulting in a significant risk of entrapment, suffocation, and death.

To be fair, a bright orange “DO NOT CLOSE DOOR” label is affixed to inside of the door on each FridgeTown Fun House.

Frooty Marbles

Frooty Marbles — We have to admit, these fruit-flavored marbles are absolutely delicious. So delicious, in fact, that our testers couldn’t resist sucking on the marbles even after playing with them in the dirt.

This led to prolonged bouts of stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, and ultimately the death of one of our testers due to a severe E. coli infection.

A Frooty™ Marbles spokesperson pointed out that the package labeling clearly states (in 4 point print) that the product may pose a choking hazard and is not intended for internal use. Fair enough, but then why make them so deliciously fruity?

Big Kidz Ladderz

Big Kidz Ladderz — We were expecting a flimsy product that would not safely bear the weight of children.

If only that were the case.

Instead, we found that Big Kidz Ladderz® are miniature, yet fully-functional extension ladders made from a lightweight, high-strength composite resin, and capable of supporting weight-bearing loads up to 800 pounds.

We gave the toy ladders to a group of six-year-old test subjects, and within a few minutes they were able to gain access to a roof, a 3rd story balcony, and a small water tower. The testing was stopped when two of the children used the toy ladders to breach an 8-foot security fence and gain access to a 10,000 volt electrical substation.

Radiation Lab

Radiation Lab — Last year we scoffed at Radiation Lab’s claim that it contained “real radioactive isotopes,” only to discover that the claim was terribly real. Three of our testers developed radiation sickness, two were rendered unable to conceive children, and one died of thyroid cancer. Radiation Lab™ was later banned by the Consumer Products Safety Commission, the FDA, and the US Nuclear Regulatory Commission. So why is Radiation Lab still available for sale this year?

A Radiation Lab spokes-mutant told us that due to a technical glitch, online orders are still being accepted, even though it is now illegal to buy or even possess the product.

According to the spokes-mutant, if you bought Radiation Lab online, all you need to do is call a toll-free 800 number. After a short 30 minute wait, you’ll be berated by an unintelligible Indian customer service representative, who will “accidentally” disconnect you while transferring you to a nonexistent supervisor. A few weeks later you should receive a 10-page refund application in the mail. Simply complete the refund application, include a copy of your sales receipt, as well as a photocopy of your passport and social security card, and return the form using the non-enclosed special envelope. Please allow at least 16 weeks for your refund to be processed.

Lil' Wayne Kidz Bopz

Lil’ Wayne Kidz Bopz — Hard-core rapper Lil’ Wayne® is out of prison and back in stores just in time for Christmas!

One might think that the folks at Kidz Bopz™ would sanitize the lyrics of Lil’ Wayne’s songs before re-recording them for children. But one would be wrong.

In this ill-advised DVD, a group of adorable young singers performs word-for-word renditions of Lil’ Wayne’s most popular songs, which feature misogynistic themes, graphic language, sexual references, violence, and racial slurs. Subtitles are also provided so your kids won’t miss a single word of their new vocabulary.

101 Funny Super Glue Tricks

101 Funny Super Glue Tricks —  There’s nothing funny about this reckless publication, unless you think it’s funny to Super Glue® mommy’s backside to the toilet, or permanently install grandma’s dentures by tampering with her Super Poligrip®.

The tricks range from relatively harmless (the old super-gluing a quarter to the sidewalk) to downright frightening (for safety reasons, we won’t elaborate further). And just remember, kids: they won’t let you play with Super Glue at the juvenile detention center.

BlowTorch Junior

BlowTorch Junior — This would appear to be a fully functional adult blowtorch with a “Jr.” label hastily affixed to the outside of the package. The risks for burns and house fires are bad enough, but BlowTorch Jr.™ also includes 3 pounds of solder containing dangerously high concentrations of lead and other toxic heavy metals.

A Blow Torch Jr. representative points out that the package label clearly states, “NOT TO BE USED BY CHILDREN IF THERE IS AN ADULT PRESENT.” Well okay, then.

Howdy, Stranger!

Howdy, Stranger! — This is a children’s book written by convicted pedophile Hannibal “Moe” Lester, author of How to Pick Up Little Girls.

This engaging yet horrifying picture book sends children the message that “Strangers Are Nice!” and can be completely trusted at all times. Topics include “How to talk to strangers,” “Taking candy from strangers,”and “Going to see the puppy.”

Howdy Stranger! is beautifully illustrated and utterly appalling.

Kidz Quarters

Kidz Quarters — In this disturbing game, children are directed to steal beer and spare change from their parents.

Why, you might ask? So they can take part in a dangerous drinking game usually played by college students, thereby risking permanent liver and brain damage, and even death.

We advise you to avoid this game, or at least substitute soft drinks for beer, thereby providing a more wholesome experience.

Matches 'N' Gas

Matches ‘N’ Gas — Let’s see what we have here:

A bright-red 5-gallon jug of gasoline.

Several boxes of brightly-colored “strike anywhere” matches.

A young child.

Put them all together and what do you get? One heck of a holiday surprise.

(Gasoline sold separately)

WASHINGTON — Citing numerous safety hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of 1.5 million Chinese-made Yoda action figures.

Government "Forces" Recall

The plastic action figures depicting the beloved Star Wars character contain numerous detachable small parts, posing a choking hazard for young children.

The toy Yodas can also cause lacerations, contusions, and loss of eyesight if thrown, and have been found to accelerate uncontrollably when used with model rocket engines. They can also cause burns if doused with lighter fluid and ignited.

Dangerous, I am

The toy Yodas contain high concentrations of lead, which could lead to brain damage if the toy is sucked on for prolonged periods.

Anthrax spores have been found in the toy’s packaging materials.

The Yoda action figures also contain elevated levels of Bisphenol A (BPA), which has been linked to reproductive problems and increased risk of cancer or diabetes, and were manufactured with an unstable plastic polymer that may cause the toy to burst into flame when placed in direct sunlight.

The toy Yodas are for external use only, can be harmful if swallowed, and should not be taken internally. They may cause hair loss, halitosis, vomiting, stomach cramps, and internal bleeding. Women who think they may be pregnant should not handle crushed or broken toy Yodas. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours while using a toy Yoda action figure, call your doctor.

NEW YORK — Seeking to make the best out a bad situation, Toyota today unveiled several new advertising slogans.

Toyota. Stick with us.

Toyota has recently been forced to recall 5.3 million vehicles to fix a problem in which the gas pedal can become caught on the edge of the removable floormat. That problem can cause the vehicle to accelerate uncontrollably.

In an attempt to stress the positive aspects of what has quickly become a public relations nightmare, Toyota will use the following new slogans in its advertising campaigns:

• Toyota. Moving forward. Really fast.
• Toyota. Uncontrollable excitement.
• Toyota. Nothing can stop us.
• Toyota. Expect the unexpected.
• Toyota. No holding back.
• Toyota. Unstoppable performance.
• Oh what a feeling! Of complete terror!
• I love what you do for me, Toyota! (personal injury attorney)
• Ask someone who crashed one.
• The best built cars in the world. Except for the gas pedal.
• Hey, at least the airbags worked!

NEW YORK (CNN) — We’re a little over a month away from sweeping credit card reform. Credit card issuers have been preparing for the loss of revenue by introducing new fees and policies. Not satisfied with charging “inactivity” fees to cardholders who don’t use their credit cards, banks are now charging fees to people who don’t even HAVE a credit card.

More Fees

Here’s what’s going on: For months, issuers have raised credit card rates to usurious levels and added fees at a dizzying pace. Having bled their cardholders dry, a growing number are starting to tack on new card fees for non-cardholders.

In June, First Second Bank began charging non-cardholders a $19 fee for not having a First Second credit card. There are also variations on this non-cardholder fee, such as “quasi-non-cardholder” fees. Citigreed has a policy where if it’s more likely that a non-cardholder will apply for a card within the next 6 months — which is determined by guessing — they will be charged a “potential cardholder” fee up to $90, as well as a $39 pre-application fee.

Bill Owen, who is not currently a Citigreed cardholder, recently received a $129 bill from Citigreed. “I never even signed up for a credit card with them, and now they’re sending me a bill,” said Owen. “And they even said they’ll charge me a late fee if I don’t pay within 15 days. How is that fair? I didn’t even BUY anything!” Concerned with a possible negative effect on his credit rating, Owen plans to pay the bill immediately despite his outrage.

Bank of Americans will start experimenting with new non-cardholder annual fees from $29 – $99, which will be charged to people randomly selected from telephone directories and voter registration lists. Citigreed now has a policy where credit card non-holders who pay late must pay a reinstatement fee in order to redeem accumulated rewards points, and may be physically harmed. And you may be charged for eating, drinking, sleeping, going to the bathroom — even for breathing. For simply existing.

Consumers Beware

Read every letter that comes from a credit card issuer! These changes may come buried in fine print. Experts we talk to say that you may be receiving a lot of promotional APR deals, as well as death threats. These promotional offers will lure you in with low rates for a limited amount of time, and your family members will be threatened. But then, at the end of the promotional period, you may be subject to an interest rate that’s much higher than the original offer, and your family members will be killed anyway. The takeaway here is before you sign up for a promotional card, make sure you can pay off your balance in full before the intial offer expires, and be prepared for the loss of your entire family.

Pay Up — Or Else

Vic Dim recently received a credit card offer from Citigreed that included a “mandatory acceptance” clause. “It said that if I didn’t accept the offer, I could get seriously hurt,” said Dim. “I thought it was some kind of a joke, so I just threw it away. But a couple of days later, these two huge Citigreed customer service reps came to my apartment and beat the living crap out of me.” Dim said that the customer service representatives then took $129 dollars from his wallet to cover a “card activation” fee, and warned him “not to let anything like this happen again.” Dim was later transported the hospital, where he accrued ambulance and emergency room treatment fees totalling $1987. “But I did earn 50 rewards points,” said Dim.

SAUGUS, MA –  A Target store manager has been accused of dropping trousers in front of one of his employees.

Falling trouser zone?

According to the complaint filed yesterday, Target employee Sue Yorassov had just arrived for work when she encountered assistant store manager Moe Lester while crossing through the Men’s department on her way to Handbags & Accessories.

According to Yorassov, she saw Lester stocking a clearance rack and had just called out a cheerful “good morning,” when suddenly and without warning “he turned around and dropped trousers right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or say…I mean, he’s a manager, he’s not supposed to drop trousers.”

Nice rack!

After a few seconds of awkward silence, said Yorassov, “he  just smiled and said, ‘whoops!’  Then he picked up the trousers, put them back on the Ultimate Pleated Khaki clearance rack, and went on as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it.”

Deeply traumatized by the incident, Yorassov has been unable to work, and is entertaining offers of legal representation. “We’re talking Target here,” said one attorney. “We’re talking $64 billion in revenue last year. I wish he had dropped trousers in front of me.”

But this is not the first employee complaint lodged against this apparently deeply troubled store manager. Lester has also been accused of handling women’s undergarments, closely monitoring store changing rooms, spending “way too much” time in the Juniors department, and looking up women’s dresses (in inventory).

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler  then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up.  He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.

In a continued attempt to reduce widespread fears about the economy and give his programs time to work, President Barack Obama today again reminded Americans to count their blessings.

“Things could be worse,” said President Obama. “A lot worse. This may be the worst recession since the Great Depression, but at least it’s not a depression yet. There have been no runs on banks. No one is jumping out of windows on Wall Street. Well, okay, a few people killed themselves after that Bernie Madoff thing, but still…”

The President recently seems to be employing  the psychological tactic of Defensive Pessimism, or “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  “There can be an adaptive benefit to thinking through worse-case scenarios,” said Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Embrace the Pain. “Negative thinking can sometimes be an effective strategy for managing anxiety.  Indulging in negative thoughts can help people do their best by preparing for the worst.”

Obama went on to point out that, “Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve lost your house. Maybe you’re living in a homeless shelter, or in your car, or under a bridge. But at least you don’t have cancer.”

“Or maybe you have cancer, but your chances for survival are pretty good, say better than 50-50,” said the President, “and you’re not coughing up blood yet. And you still have control of your bowels.”

“Or maybe you are completely incontinent and coughing up buckets of blood,” continued Obama, “but at least you’re not dead yet. Oh, you may long for death and release from the indescribable pain you are in…but at least you are not dead yet.”

“Or maybe you are dead,” concluded Obama. “But I think most of us believe that we go to a better place when we die, so even then you’d be in pretty good shape. So, even worse-case scenario, no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay.”

In an effort to improve its battered image with an outraged American public, the embattled AIG (American International Group) today announced that it is changing its name to “Consolidated Investment Associates,” or CIA.

Acknowledging that the acronym is already widely used to refer to the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, Edward Liddy, the CEO of the former AIG, admitted that “This was in fact a deliberate public relations maneuver. Congress regularly gives billions of dollars to the CIA without yelling at anyone, or even asking questions about where the money is going, so that sounded pretty darned good to us at this point.”

The new company name was conceived by the Makeoffsky Group, a New York public relations firm that reportedly received in the neighborhood of $165 million of American taxpayers’ money to develop the new corporate identity. Other possible new names that were considered for the former AIG were said to include:

• Make-A-Wish
• The Girl Scouts of America
• Childhood Leukemia Foundation
• Christian Children’s Fund
• Paralyzed Veterans of America
• Feed the Children
• Habitat for Humanity
• The American Cancer Society
• The Roman Catholic Church

Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.

“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”

Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”

Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”

“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”

“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.

“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”

Seeking to cash in on the recent wave of colon cleansing products, Coca-Cola today announced the launch of a new soft drink, “Coca-Colon.”

The colon cleanser market has exploded in recent months, with a wide variety of products promising to flush toxin-filled fecal matter stuck inside the colon, thereby reducing bloating and constipation and improving overall health.

Asked how they intend to compete in an already bloated market, Coca-Colon spokesperson Wi Pu Long said, “Sure, there are a lot of colon cleansers already out there. But this is the first one to combine a powerful colon cleanser with the great taste of Coke.”

“We are flush with cash and will bring all of our resources to bear in dominating this market, ” said Long, discussing market projections. “We intend to be number one in ‘number two’.”

Coca-Colon advertising will feature reworked versions of previously successful ad campaigns, including:

• “You’ll Go Better with Coke.”
• “It’s the Real Gross Thing.”
• “Coke Is Sh_t!”