David Hoyle

WASHINGTON — Citing numerous safety hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of 1.5 million Chinese-made Yoda action figures.

Government "Forces" Recall

The plastic action figures depicting the beloved Star Wars character contain numerous detachable small parts, posing a choking hazard to young children.

The toy Yodas can also cause lacerations, contusions, or loss of eyesight if thrown, and have been found to accelerate uncontrollably when used with model rocket engines. They also can cause burns if doused with lighter fluid and ignited.

Dangerous, I am

The toy Yodas contain high concentrations of lead, which could lead to brain damage if the toy is sucked on for prolonged periods.

Anthrax spores have been found in the toy’s packaging materials.

The Yoda action figures also contain elevated levels of Bisphenol A (BPA), which has been linked to reproductive problems and increased risk of cancer or diabetes, and were manufactured with an unstable plastic polymer that may cause the toy to burst into flame when placed in direct sunlight.

The toy Yodas are for external use only, can be harmful if swallowed, and should not be taken internally. They may cause hair loss, halitosis, vomiting, stomach cramps, and internal bleeding. Women who think they may be pregnant should not handle crushed or broken toy Yodas. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours while using a toy Yoda action figure, call your doctor.

NEW YORK — Seeking to make the best out a bad situation, Toyota today unveiled several new advertising slogans.

Toyota. Stick with us.

Toyota has recently been forced to recall 5.3 million vehicles to fix a problem in which the gas pedal can become caught on the edge of the removable floormat. That problem can cause the vehicle to accelerate uncontrollably.

In an attempt to stress the positive aspects of what has quickly become a public relations nightmare, Toyota will use the following new slogans in its advertising campaigns:

• Toyota. Moving forward. Really fast.
• Toyota. Uncontrollable excitement.
• Toyota. Nothing can stop us.
• Toyota. Expect the unexpected.
• Toyota. No holding back.
• Toyota. Unstoppable performance.
• Oh what a feeling! Of complete terror!
• I love what you do for me, Toyota! (personal injury attorney)
• Ask someone who crashed one.
• The best built cars in the world. Except for the gas pedal.
• Hey, at least the airbags worked!

NEW YORK (CNN) — We’re a little over a month away from sweeping credit card reform. Credit card issuers have been preparing for the loss of revenue by introducing new fees and policies. Not satisfied with charging “inactivity” fees to cardholders who don’t use their credit cards, banks are now charging fees to people who don’t even HAVE a credit card.

More Fees

Here’s what’s going on: For months, issuers have raised credit card rates to usurious levels and added fees at a dizzying pace. Having bled their cardholders dry, a growing number are starting to tack on new card fees for non-cardholders.

In June, First Second Bank began charging non-cardholders a $19 fee for not having a First Second credit card. There are also variations on this non-cardholder fee, such as “quasi-non-cardholder” fees. Citigreed has a policy where if it’s more likely that a non-cardholder will apply for a card within the next 6 months — which is determined by guessing — they will be charged a “potential cardholder” fee up to $90, as well as a $39 pre-application fee.

Bill Owen, who is not currently a Citigreed cardholder, recently received a $129 bill from Citigreed. “I never even signed up for a credit card with them, and now they’re sending me a bill,” said Owen. “And they even said they’ll charge me a late fee if I don’t pay within 15 days. How is that fair? I didn’t even BUY anything!” Concerned with a possible negative effect on his credit rating, Owen plans to pay the bill immediately despite his outrage.

Bank of Americans will start experimenting with new non-cardholder annual fees from $29 – $99, which will be charged to people randomly selected from telephone directories and voter registration lists. Citigreed now has a policy where credit card non-holders who pay late must pay a reinstatement fee in order to redeem accumulated rewards points, and may be physically harmed. And you may be charged for eating, drinking, sleeping, going to the bathroom — even for breathing. For simply existing.

Consumers Beware

Read every letter that comes from a credit card issuer! These changes may come buried in fine print. Experts we talk to say that you may be receiving a lot of promotional APR deals, as well as death threats. These promotional offers will lure you in with low rates for a limited amount of time, and your family members will be threatened. But then, at the end of the promotional period, you may be subject to an interest rate that’s much higher than the original offer, and your family members will be killed anyway. The takeaway here is before you sign up for a promotional card, make sure you can pay off your balance in full before the intial offer expires, and be prepared for the loss of your entire family.

Pay Up — Or Else

Vic Dim recently received a credit card offer from Citigreed that included a “mandatory acceptance” clause. “It said that if I didn’t accept the offer, I could get seriously hurt,” said Dim. “I thought it was some kind of a joke, so I just threw it away. But a couple of days later, these two huge Citigreed customer service reps came to my apartment and beat the living crap out of me.” Dim said that the customer service representatives then took $129 dollars from his wallet to cover a “card activation” fee, and warned him “not to let anything like this happen again.” Dim was later transported the hospital, where he accrued ambulance and emergency room treatment fees totalling $1987. “But I did earn 50 rewards points,” said Dim.

SAUGUS, MA –  A Target store manager has been accused of dropping trousers in front of one of his employees.

Falling trouser zone?

According to the complaint filed yesterday, Target employee Sue Yorassov had just arrived for work when she encountered assistant store manager Moe Lester while crossing through the Men’s department on her way to Handbags & Accessories.

According to Yorassov, she saw Lester stocking a clearance rack and had just called out a cheerful “good morning,” when suddenly and without warning “he turned around and dropped trousers right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or say…I mean, he’s a manager, he’s not supposed to drop trousers.”

Nice rack!

After a few seconds of awkward silence, said Yorassov, “he  just smiled and said, ‘whoops!’  Then he picked up the trousers, put them back on the Ultimate Pleated Khaki clearance rack, and went on as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it.”

Deeply traumatized by the incident, Yorassov has been unable to work, and is entertaining offers of legal representation. “We’re talking Target here,” said one attorney. “We’re talking $64 billion in revenue last year. I wish he had dropped trousers in front of me.”

But this is not the first employee complaint lodged against this apparently deeply troubled store manager. Lester has also been accused of handling women’s undergarments, closely monitoring store changing rooms, spending “way too much” time in the Juniors department, and looking up women’s dresses (in inventory).

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler  then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up.  He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.

In a continued attempt to reduce widespread fears about the economy and give his programs time to work, President Barack Obama today again reminded Americans to count their blessings.

“Things could be worse,” said President Obama. “A lot worse. This may be the worst recession since the Great Depression, but at least it’s not a depression yet. There have been no runs on banks. No one is jumping out of windows on Wall Street. Well, okay, a few people killed themselves after that Bernie Madoff thing, but still…”

The President recently seems to be employing  the psychological tactic of Defensive Pessimism, or “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  “There can be an adaptive benefit to thinking through worse-case scenarios,” said Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Embrace the Pain. “Negative thinking can sometimes be an effective strategy for managing anxiety.  Indulging in negative thoughts can help people do their best by preparing for the worst.”

Obama went on to point out that, “Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve lost your house. Maybe you’re living in a homeless shelter, or in your car, or under a bridge. But at least you don’t have cancer.”

“Or maybe you have cancer, but your chances for survival are pretty good, say better than 50-50,” said the President, “and you’re not coughing up blood yet. And you still have control of your bowels.”

“Or maybe you are completely incontinent and coughing up buckets of blood,” continued Obama, “but at least you’re not dead yet. Oh, you may long for death and release from the indescribable pain you are in…but at least you are not dead yet.”

“Or maybe you are dead,” concluded Obama. “But I think most of us believe that we go to a better place when we die, so even then you’d be in pretty good shape. So, even worse-case scenario, no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay.”

In an effort to improve its battered image with an outraged American public, the embattled AIG (American International Group) today announced that it is changing its name to “Consolidated Investment Associates,” or CIA.

Acknowledging that the acronym is already widely used to refer to the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, Edward Liddy, the CEO of the former AIG, admitted that “This was in fact a deliberate public relations maneuver. Congress regularly gives billions of dollars to the CIA without yelling at anyone, or even asking questions about where the money is going, so that sounded pretty darned good to us at this point.”

The new company name was conceived by the Makeoffsky Group, a New York public relations firm that reportedly received in the neighborhood of $165 million of American taxpayers’ money to develop the new corporate identity. Other possible new names that were considered for the former AIG were said to include:

• Make-A-Wish
• The Girl Scouts of America
• Childhood Leukemia Foundation
• Christian Children’s Fund
• Paralyzed Veterans of America
• Feed the Children
• Habitat for Humanity
• The American Cancer Society
• The Roman Catholic Church

Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.

“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”

Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”

Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”

“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”

“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.

“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”

Seeking to cash in on the recent wave of colon cleansing products, Coca-Cola today announced the launch of a new soft drink, “Coca-Colon.”

The colon cleanser market has exploded in recent months, with a wide variety of products promising to flush toxin-filled fecal matter stuck inside the colon, thereby reducing bloating and constipation and improving overall health.

Asked how they intend to compete in an already bloated market, Coca-Colon spokesperson Wi Pu Long said, “Sure, there are a lot of colon cleansers already out there. But this is the first one to combine a powerful colon cleanser with the great taste of Coke.”

“We are flush with cash and will bring all of our resources to bear in dominating this market, ” said Long, discussing market projections. “We intend to be number one in ‘number two’.”

Coca-Colon advertising will feature reworked versions of previously successful ad campaigns, including:

• “You’ll Go Better with Coke.”
• “It’s the Real Gross Thing.”
• “Coke Is Sh_t!”

SCRANTON, PA — According to industry sources, a tumult arose today at a staff meeting at data warehousing firm Infodatec as an attempt at sports-business metaphors degenerated into sexual innuendo.

“At first we had a hard time even getting to first base with our customers,” said Infodatec CEO Doug Barnes, beginning a discussion of poor sales figures with a series of baseball metaphors. “And I know everyone wanted to score. I know it’s been hard, really really hard. But now we’ve made it to second base, and we’re heading for third. We just need to keep swinging until we find the sweet spot. I know we can go all the way.”

Alluding to football, Barnes continued, “Or to put it another way, we need to use our big tight ends and keep grinding away until we score. We just need to blast it right up the middle. We need to really open up some holes and pound it through.”

Ignoring his audience’s increasing levels of discomfort and amusement, as well as frantic hand gestures by the Infodatec Human Resources Director, Barnes went on to conclude his remarks with a particularly unfortunate succession of basketball metaphors.

“We just really need to score. We’ve been dribbling all over the place, with balls flying everywhere, but now we need to penetrate and put it in the hole.”

A new study released today by the Council of Economic Advisers indicates the the recession has not been caused by the mortgage crisis or failed economic policies, but has instead been brought about by a series of television commercials featuring Paul Michael Glaser.

Paul Michael Glaser

“Eight credit cards. That’s the number of credit cards the average American has in their wallet. Eight different cards,” intones Glaser in one of the ads sponsored by Consolidated Credit. “It’s so easy to get into trouble with credit card debt.”

In another ad, the former Starsky and Hutch star appears on a treadmill and warns the viewer: “You’re stuck on a treadmill! You’re making minimum payments on your credit cards, and you just don’t get anywhere!”

“Our studies show that these advertisements have single-handedly destroyed the confidence of the American consumer,” said a CEA spokesman. “The entire American — indeed, global — economy hinges on consumer confidence, and a willingness to obtain and buy with credit. Thanks to Mr. Glaser, that confidence has been completely shattered.”

Random surveys of consumers would seem to support the CEA findings. “I was planning on upgrading to a big flat screen TV with a home theater set up,” said Craig Cronin, a Boston area software engineer with a good salary and no credit card debt, “but I kept seeing those ads with the Starsky and Hutch guy. I made fun of them at first, but I guess it got me thinking. So I decided to stick with my old TV.”

For those with more serious financial issues, the ads are particularly devastating. “I want to smash the TV every time that ad comes on,” exclaimed Doug Larson, an unemployed technical writer. “Thank God I’ve got the credit cards to begin with, so I can still buy groceries. I don’t need the extra guilt trip at this point. And was he Starsky or Hutch?”

In yet another unsettling sign of the current troubled economic climate, Mystery Inc. announced today that they have layed off Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and the anthropomorphic Great Dane “Scooby-Doo.”

Shaggy and Scooby

“These cuts are by no means easy,” said a Mystery, Inc. spokesman in a statement released earlier today, “but are necessary to ensure the continued viability of Mystery, Inc. Both Shaggy and Scooby were underperforming assets, and could no longer be supported given the current economic realities.”

Witnesses reported seeing Shaggy and Scooby escorted from the Mystery Machine by armed security guards.

While no specific reasons were cited for the layoff, sources indicated that it had become increasingly difficult to justify the massive outlay of funds for Scooby-Snacks, given the lack of return on investment.

Recent unconfirmed rumors have also suggested that Velma Dinkley’s duties may be outsourced to a research firm in Bangalore, India. For the time being, Velma’s status remains uncertain.

When reached for comment, Shaggy had this to say: “I am like, totally bummed, man! I like, can’t believe this! Like, what do you think, Scoob old buddy?”

“Raggy! Relp me!” replied Scooby-Doo, leaping into Shaggy’s outstretched arms. “Raaaaaaagy!”