David Hoyle

SCRANTON, PA — According to industry sources, a tumult arose today at a staff meeting at data warehousing firm Infodatec as an attempt at sports-business metaphors degenerated into sexual innuendo.

“At first we had a hard time even getting to first base with our customers,” said Infodatec CEO Doug Barnes, beginning a discussion of poor sales figures with a series of baseball metaphors. “And I know everyone wanted to score. I know it’s been hard, really really hard. But now we’ve made it to second base, and we’re heading for third. We just need to keep swinging until we find the sweet spot. I know we can go all the way.”

Alluding to football, Barnes continued, “Or to put it another way, we need to use our big tight ends and keep grinding away until we score. We just need to blast it right up the middle. We need to really open up some holes and pound it through.”

Ignoring his audience’s increasing levels of discomfort and amusement, as well as frantic hand gestures by the Infodatec Human Resources Director, Barnes went on to conclude his remarks with a particularly unfortunate succession of basketball metaphors.

“We just really need to score. We’ve been dribbling all over the place, with balls flying everywhere, but now we need to penetrate and put it in the hole.”

A new study released today by the Council of Economic Advisers indicates the the recession has not been caused by the mortgage crisis or failed economic policies, but has instead been brought about by a series of television commercials featuring Paul Michael Glaser.

Paul Michael Glaser

“Eight credit cards. That’s the number of credit cards the average American has in their wallet. Eight different cards,” intones Glaser in one of the ads sponsored by Consolidated Credit. “It’s so easy to get into trouble with credit card debt.”

In another ad, the former Starsky and Hutch star appears on a treadmill and warns the viewer: “You’re stuck on a treadmill! You’re making minimum payments on your credit cards, and you just don’t get anywhere!”

“Our studies show that these advertisements have single-handedly destroyed the confidence of the American consumer,” said a CEA spokesman. “The entire American — indeed, global — economy hinges on consumer confidence, and a willingness to obtain and buy with credit. Thanks to Mr. Glaser, that confidence has been completely shattered.”

Random surveys of consumers would seem to support the CEA findings. “I was planning on upgrading to a big flat screen TV with a home theater set up,” said Craig Cronin, a Boston area software engineer with a good salary and no credit card debt, “but I kept seeing those ads with the Starsky and Hutch guy. I made fun of them at first, but I guess it got me thinking. So I decided to stick with my old TV.”

For those with more serious financial issues, the ads are particularly devastating. “I want to smash the TV every time that ad comes on,” exclaimed Doug Larson, an unemployed technical writer. “Thank God I’ve got the credit cards to begin with, so I can still buy groceries. I don’t need the extra guilt trip at this point. And was he Starsky or Hutch?”

In yet another unsettling sign of the current troubled economic climate, Mystery Inc. announced today that they have layed off Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and the anthropomorphic Great Dane “Scooby-Doo.”

Shaggy and Scooby

“These cuts are by no means easy,” said a Mystery, Inc. spokesman in a statement released earlier today, “but are necessary to ensure the continued viability of Mystery, Inc. Both Shaggy and Scooby were underperforming assets, and could no longer be supported given the current economic realities.”

Witnesses reported seeing Shaggy and Scooby escorted from the Mystery Machine by armed security guards.

While no specific reasons were cited for the layoff, sources indicated that it had become increasingly difficult to justify the massive outlay of funds for Scooby-Snacks, given the lack of return on investment.

Recent unconfirmed rumors have also suggested that Velma Dinkley’s duties may be outsourced to a research firm in Bangalore, India. For the time being, Velma’s status remains uncertain.

When reached for comment, Shaggy had this to say: “I am like, totally bummed, man! I like, can’t believe this! Like, what do you think, Scoob old buddy?”

“Raggy! Relp me!” replied Scooby-Doo, leaping into Shaggy’s outstretched arms. “Raaaaaaagy!”