David Hoyle

Nothing in Common But Love

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

Do you know why so many people get divorced? One of the big reasons is letting petty differences sabotage your marriage. Sure, you may be right. But you may also end up being alone.

My husband and I are complete opposites. I’m a left-wing radical activist and PETA volunteer who works for Greenpeace. My husband is a neo-Nazi nut-job who organizes Tea Party conventions and belongs to a right-wing militia. I am a large black woman, and he is a small white man. But we love each other despite our differences.

One day I came home after a really bad day at a PETA protest, only to find that he had smashed holes in the walls with a sledge hammer. I could tell he was upset. But I also knew I had to reach out to him.

“You wouldn’t believe how bad my day was,” I said, plopping down on the couch next to him. “Some lady screamed in my face, just because I threw blood on her fur coat!”

“Oh yeah?” said my husband. “Well some guy screamed in my face today, just because I broke his ribs with my rifle butt!”

We just looked at each other for a few seconds, then we started laughing hysterically. I guess we must have sounded like a couple of lunatics. Then I forced him to have sex with me.

Maybe we are lunatics, but somehow we always seem to be able to connect with each other despite our differences.

So I guess we really do have nothing in common. Nothing but love. And violent tendencies.

A Thoughtful Husband

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

My husband — I’ll call him “Bob,” because that’s his real name — travels a lot for his sales job. I miss him terribly whenever he travels, so I keep myself busy with housework whenever he’s away. I also take lots of Vicodin.

One day when Bob was away, I was cleaning out a closet when I noticed a box way in the back underneath a pair of old bowling shoes. When I opened the box, I was shocked to find several pairs of women’s panties!

Underneath the panties I noticed some rectangular pieces of plastic held together with a rubber band. At first I thought they were old credit cards, but when I looked more closely I could see the top one was a blood donor card. But it didn’t belong to me or Bob — it was some other woman! And the other cards were driver’s licenses and other IDs for a dozen other women from nearby states!

Then I actually recognized one of the women, because her picture had been on the news. She had been abducted, raped, and murdered! What was Bob doing with her ID?

Well, I just didn’t know what to think! So I decided not to. It hurt to think about it, especially with the amount of Vicodin I had taken. And Oprah was coming on.

When Bob came home the next day, I asked him about the IDs. “Oh, I just found those,” he said. “You wouldn’t believe how careless some people are. I find stuff like that all the time. I keep meaning to mail them to the people who lost them, but I guess I keep forgetting.”

“That’s all well and good,” I said, “but what about all those pairs of panties?”

Then Bob got a really sad look on his face. “Okay, I guess you found me out,” said Bob. “It was supposed to be a surprise. Whenever I go on a trip, I buy a pair of panties for you. I was saving them up to give to you for your birthday.” And then he started to cry!

Well let me tell you, I felt just awful. “Oh honey, I didn’t know,” I said. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“I think maybe I can, on one condition,” replied Bob with a sly smile. “How about you model one of those pairs of panties for me right now?”

Well, I think you can guess my answer. We made out like a couple of teenagers, and then I made Bob his favorite supper.

I still miss Bob terribly when he travels, but it’s so comforting to know he’s always thinking about me when he’s away. And to know that he always brings me back a special gift, like a purse, or jewelry, or lingerie, or even a pair of slacks or a sweater. Sure, he doesn’t always get the size right, and sometimes he accidentally cuts himself and gets blood on them, but that doesn’t matter.

The important thing is that he’s thinking about me. That he cares about me. That he loves me. So I guess I’m just about the luckiest wife in the world to have such a thoughtful husband!

The Ants and the Grasshopper

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

The Ants were spending a fine winter’s day drying grain collected in the summertime. A Grasshopper, perishing with famine, passed by and earnestly begged for a little food.

The Ants inquired of him, “Why did you not treasure up food during the summer?’

He replied, “I had not leisure enough. I passed the days in singing.”

They then said in derision: “If you were foolish enough to sing all the summer, you must dance supperless to bed in the winter.”

But the Grasshopper was much larger and stronger than the Ants, so he killed them all and ate their grain.

And he sang as he danced on their corpses.

Just Five More Minutes

By: Author Unknown
Source: Chicken Goop for the Soul™

While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground.

“That’s my son over there,” she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.

“He’s a fine looking boy,” the man said. “That’s my daughter on the bike in the white dress.”

Then, looking at his watch, he called to his daughter. “What do you say we go, Melissa?”

Melissa pleaded, “Just five more minutes, Dad. Please? Just five more minutes.”

The man nodded and Melissa continued to ride her bike to her heart’s content. Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his daughter. “Time to go now?”

Again Melissa pleaded, “Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.”

The man smiled and said, “OK.”

“My, you certainly are a patient father,” the woman remarked.

The man smiled and then said, “My son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I’d give anything for just five more minutes with him.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” said the woman.

“I didn’t have any other children, so I decided to abduct Melissa to replace Tommy,” said the man.

“Oh…I don’t…what?” said the woman.

“It’s working out great, now that she’s used to her new name,” said the man. “And the best part is, in a few years, she can be my girlfriend!”

“But I…you don’t…you can’t…” stammered the woman.

“Oh, relax,” said the man, smiling again. “I’m just messing with you. I never had a son, and that’s my real daughter.”

Life is all about making priorities, what are your priorities? Take 5 minutes to mess with someone’s head today!