David Hoyle

The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

Who let the reindeer out? Who, who, who, who?

• Jingle Balls
• Frosty the Cold One
• Do You Fear What I Fear?
• Grandma Got Molested by a Reindeer
• I Saw Mommy Shtupping Santa Claus
• Santa Claus Is Coming Too Early
• Oh Piss Off All Ye Faithful
• The Little Drummer Solo
• Silent Night of the Lambs
• I’ll Be Homeless for Christmas
• It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Christmas Visitation Battle
• Happy Christmas (War is Over) (Well, One War, At Least)
• Santa Claus Is Watching You Undress
• Good King Whatshisname
• I Came Upon a Midnight Clear
• We Three Kings of Orient Are Completely Lost
• Have a Holly Jolly Christmas My Ass

The Worst Christmas Movies of All Time

Source: IMDb (Imaginary Movie Database)

• It’s a Wonderful Tumor
• White Supremacy Christmas
• Home Alone (with Jerry Sandusky)
• The Poland Express
• A Christmas Demerol
• How the Grinch Stole My Virginity
• The Muppet Christmas Massacre
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Road-Kill
• No Country for Old Elves
• Home for Christmas with Dirty Laundry
• Venereal on 34th Street
• Ernest Saves Private Ryan
• The Santa Supremacy
• The Silence of the Reindeer
• Deck the Wife
• Christmas with the Crabs
• Silent Night, Carbon Monoxide Night
• Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Colonoscopy
• Twas the Night Before Christmas and Daddy Was Very Drunk
• Santa Claus Conquers the Jews
• Yes, Virginia, You’ll Believe Anything

Halloween Safety 101: Tips to Keep Your Little Ghosts and Goblins Safe When They Go Trick-Or-Treating

It’s that time of year again.  Parents and their excited ghosts and goblins are gearing up to go trick-or-treating.

But while this is a time for little ones to have fun, parents shouldn’t let the kids’ enthusiasm drown out common sense. There are many hazards associated with Halloween.

Here are a few tips to help keep your children safe:

• Make sure children wear bright, reflective costumes when they go trick-or-treating at night. If their costumes blend into the dark, give them roadside flares to carry, or fasten sodium arc lamps or strobe lights to their heads to make sure drivers and others can spot them in the darkness. Fire off a flare gun each time you cross a street. Block streets with flaming tires and throw Molotov cocktails at trapped vehicles. Set houses on fire. On average, twice as many children are killed while walking on Halloween as compared to any other day of the year, according to Your Kids are Never Safe USA, a national child safety advocacy organization. So go ahead and light up the night.
• Don’t allow children to wear face paint without testing it first to make sure it doesn’t irritate their skin or trigger allergies. You can test it on your cat, dog, or pet rabbit. Be sure to test for both skin and eye irritation. Don’t own a pet? Borrow one from a neighbor. Or test the face paint on someone else’s child.
• Don’t allow children to wear decorative, non-prescription contact lenses, unless they make your eyes look really cool.
• Make sure store-bought costumes and accessories — such as wigs, hats and masks — are flame-retardant. The label should clearly state that. If it doesn’t, use a lighter to test it in the store.
• Don’t leave candles burning unattended. According to the National Fire Protection Association, Halloween is one of the top five days for candle fires. You might as well just go ahead and set your house on fire. If you do decide to set your house on fire, have an escape plan ready.
• Don’t let children wear costumes that are too lame. They could get ridiculed by other children, suffer emotional scars, and grow up to be homeless drug addicts. All because you wouldn’t buy them the cool costume.
• Don’t let younger children prepare vodka gummy bears.
• Children who are younger than 12 years old should not be allowed to go trick-or-treating by themselves, unless they are armed.
• Be sure to examine all of your children’s treats for signs of tampering and choking hazards, the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cautions. Parents should eat all of the candy after their children go to bed, then tell their children the next morning that the Great Pumpkin took all of their candy because it was poisoned by strangers.

Quick and easy Halloween costumes that you can throw together at the last minute

Bio-Terrorist — place biohazard warning labels on envelopes. Optionally, add “DANGER: ANTHRAX SPORES” labels. Fill envelopes with flour. Carry envelopes with you while trick-or-treating, or leave them in public places, then sit back and watch the fun!

Pot-Head — place pot on head. When people ask you what you are, say something like, “Dude, I am a pot-head.”

Blue Man — Put on black clothes, then shave your head. Paint your head, face, neck, and hands blue. Act strangely and don’t speak. At the end of the evening, turn off all the lights, then turn on a strobe light and strew toilet paper all over the room.

Trash Bag Man — Cut head and arm holes in a large plastic trash bag. Place bag over head and extend arms through arm holes. Optionally, stuff trash in bag and tape closed at waist.

Nudist — Remove clothes.

Cross-Dresser — Put on black clothes, then use white tape to make crosses all over your arms, legs, and torso. Use make-up or non-permanent marker to draw crosses on your face, neck and hands. Put on one or more cross necklaces. If available, carry crosses in hands.

Surgeon — While in the hospital for childbirth, steal a set of scrubs. At Halloween, put scrubs on. Optionally, also steal a stethoscope and Oxycontin.

Captain Incontinence — Remove all clothing. Put on a pair of adult diapers. Tie a small blanket or beach towel around your neck to serve as a cape. For a more realistic costume, soil yourself.

Elephant Man — Place two or three baseball caps on your head with the brims in different directions, then cover your head with a large sack. Act as though your head is very heavy due to massive bony growths. Keep repeating the following phrase: “I sometimes think my head is so large because it is so full of dreams.”

Sperm Bank Donor — In one had carry a small plastic container with a cover. In the other hand, carry a pornographic magazine or video. Look eager, but slightly embarrassed.

Sh*t Head — Fasten fake dog poo on top of head. For a more realistic costume, use real feces.