David Hoyle

With apologies to The Tubes…

Steam Punks on Dope

Steam punk had to race for the old times
Spent my cash on every piston I could find
Wasted time in every blimp that held air
Wearing goggles I don’t need, but I don’t care

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
Can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

Other dudes are living in the ghetto
But Victorian England seems much betto

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
I can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

I go crazy ’cause my folks are so freaking rich
Have to pose when I get that rich steam punk itch
Sounds real classy, living in a tableau
So lonely, all the other kids will never know

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
Can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

Who let the reindeer out? Who, who, who, who?

• Jingle Balls
• Frosty the Cold One
• Do You Fear What I Fear?
• Grandma Got Molested by a Reindeer
• I Saw Mommy Shtupping Santa Claus
• Santa Claus Is Coming Too Early
• Oh Piss Off All Ye Faithful
• The Little Drummer Solo
• Silent Night of the Lambs
• I’ll Be Homeless for Christmas
• It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like a Christmas Visitation Battle
• Happy Christmas (War is Over) (Well, One War, At Least)
• Santa Claus Is Watching You Undress
• Good King Whatshisname
• I Came Upon a Midnight Clear
• We Three Kings of Orient Are Completely Lost
• Have a Holly Jolly Christmas My Ass

The question no prisoner wants to hear: “Are you gonna be my girl?”

Least Requested Songs at the State Penitentiary

“(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” — Aretha Franklin
“I Want You to Want Me” — Cheap Trick
“I’ll Make Love to You” — Boyz II Men
“Three Times a Lady” — The Commodores
“Nobody Wants to be Lonely” — Ricky Martin
“I Need Love” — LL Cool J
“Love to Love You Baby” — Donna Summer
“How Deep is Your Love” — The Bee Gees
“You’re the One That I Want” — John Travolta with Olivia Newton-John
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” — Bonnie Raitt
“Bend Over” — Lil’ Jon
“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” — Jet

And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do, I don’t mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There’s no reason for it — you’ve got to go sometime.

-Pink Floyd, “The Great Gig in the Sky”

When visiting an assisted living facility not too long ago, I noticed they piped music into the dining room and common areas. Really awful music. It actually creeped me out a little bit. It was like they were trying to sound like the mall or something. Only in this case, it was the mall of impending death.

And I thought it was sort of fascist of the management to dictate the music. The residents and their families were coughing up $5000+ a month for rent, so you’d think they’d at least get to make requests. If so, they probably wouldn’t want to hear any of the following songs.

Least Requested Songs at the Assisted Living Facility

“Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” — Bob Dylan
“Don’t Fear the Reaper” — Blue Oyster Cult
“In My Time of Dying” — Led Zeppelin
“The Great Gig in the Sky” — Pink Floyd
“The End” — The Doors
“Maggots in Your Coffin” — Repulsion
“Nice to be Dead” — Iggy Pop
“Spirit in the Sky” — Norman Greenbaum
“Your Time Has Come” — Audioslave
“I Will Follow you into the Dark” — Death Cab for Cutie
“Seasons in the Sun” — Terry Jacks

With apologies to Mumford & Sons…

Little Lying Man

Weep for yourself, my man,
Those chili dogs will burn you at the heart
Weep little lying man,
You’ll never be accepted if you fart
Smell yourself and rate yourself,
Take all the GasEx you have left
Waste it all on fixing up the problems
That you made while you fed

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have smelled this all before
Tremble little lying man,
You always smell just like a wild boar
Your waste is graceless in my face,
Your bold smell makes my eyes burn like heck
Now learn from your proctologist
Or else spend your days making folks say, “Blech!”

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?

Well, it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?