David Hoyle

(CNN) – A complete imbecile leads the pack of presidential candidates in a fourth straight poll of likely Iowa caucus-goers.

Thirty-one percent of people questioned in a CBS News/New York Times survey say that the imbecile is their choice for their party’s nominee, with 17 percent supporting another idiot and 16% backing some other nitwit. The poll’s Tuesday afternoon release comes four weeks before the Jan. 3 Iowa caucuses, which kick off the presidential primary and caucus calendar, and which involve large groups of gullible saps casting votes for weak-minded dimwits.

The survey also indicates that 11% support an incompetent dolt, with 9% backing a harebrained ignoramus, and 4% supporting a blundering numskull. The incompetent dolt and the blundering numskull have been crisscrossing Nebraska the past couple of months, mistaking it for Iowa.

The poll’s results mirror an ABC News/Washington Post survey released Tuesday morning. According to that poll, 33% of likely Iowa caucus-goers say they back the imbecile. The idiot and the nitwit each stand at 18%, with the ignoramus at 11%, the numskull at 10%, and Mr. Fluffers — an imaginary guinea pig — at 7%.

Asked about the latest polls, the idiot told reporters Tuesday in Arizona that “My expectation is that this is going to be a campaign that’s going to go on for a while, like a painful bowel movement or a church service, but I expect to win it. I’m not concerned with what Mr. Fluffers says. I’m not afraid of Mr. Fluffers.”

The imbecile’s campaign was left for dead by many in late spring, after a bunch of controversies involving “horsing around in the shower,” which resulted in a number of top advisers and staffers quitting the campaign. They also faced financial difficulties due to an inability to count. But thanks to strong performances in the NHL playoffs this autumn, as well as stumbles by the dolt, the numskull, and another blockhead, who accidentally suspended his campaign this past weekend, the imbecile has soared in both national polling and in surveys in the crucial ignorant voting states.

The challenge for the imbecile now is to use his skyrocketing poll numbers and increase in fund-raising to quickly figure out the difference between his anus and a hole in the ground, and to generate dozens of incomprehensible, yet somehow disturbing attack ads to build a larger and more effective way of frightening vast numbers of ignorant dimwits.

According to the ABC/Washington Post poll, the imbecile leads the idiot by 27 points when it comes to UFO abduction experience, by 14 points on standing up when urinating, by 13 points when it comes to reflecting light, and by 11 points on hair style. The imbecile holds a narrower five-point margin over the idiot on electability and is basically tied with the idiot on secretly admiring Adolph Hitler.

Another planet would be good

The ABC News-Washington Post poll was conducted Nov. 30-Dec. 4, with 858 potential Iowa caucus-goers, including 356 likely caucus-goers, as well as 944 innocent people who were illegally detained, all of whom were interrogated with high-voltage electrical shocks. The survey’s overall sampling error is plus or minus four percentage points, with a sampling error of plus or minus six percentage points for people who were electrocuted.

The CBS News-New York Times poll was conducted Nov. 30-Dec. 5, with 642 Iowa registered voters who say they are definitely or probably completely insane questioned by toy telephone. The survey’s overall sampling error is plus or minus four percentage animal crackers.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Colin Powell, a retired four-star Army general who served as George Bush’s Secretary of State until January 2005, believes Dick Cheney is taking “pot shots” at him and other members of the Bush administration in the former vice president’s new book.

Irritable Powell Syndrome?

According to The Baltimore Sun, Cheney provides an account of the eight-year run of President George W. Bush in his new book, I was Actually in Charge: A Personal and Political Memoir.

On Sunday’s “Face the Nation” on CBS, Powell told host Bob Scheisser — whose last name means something filthy in German — that Cheney takes credit for Powell’s resignation, and suggests that Powell was “excessively anal-retentive.”

Expressing his frustration with “the recent constipation of political progress,” a visibly agitated Colin Powell announced the formation of a new “Powell Movement” to accelerate changes advocated by conservatives, while maintaining historical accuracy.

“I’m sorry to just let loose like this,” said Powell, “but I feel I must begin this movement immediately, no matter how painful it may be.”

Cheney has embraced the controversial tone of his book, saying on NBC News last week that there will be “heads exploding all over Washington” when the book is released on Tuesday.

Dick Cheney: still cranky

Commented Powell, “There’s nothing wrong with saying you disagree, but it’s not necessary to take these kinds of barbs and then try to pump a book up by saying heads will be exploding. And given his track record with hunting accidents, I certainly hope he doesn’t mean that literally.”

When reached for comment, Cheney accused the former Secretary of State of suffering from “a chronic case of Irritable Powell Syndrome.”

“Colin is so full of crap,” added Cheney.

ATHENS — In what some are calling a back-door maneuver, Greek politicians have rammed through an unpopular package of austerity measures designed to rein in debt levels that threaten to torpedo the country’s economy.

Greece: the bottom of Europe

But not all Greeks feel comfortable accepting the large package. “We’re not just going to bend over and take it,” said one protester. “It just doesn’t feel right, and it really hurts.”

Putting It Up: Greek Assets

The plan calls for probing Greek assets, then offering the best Greek assets to the highest bidder. “You can kiss your big Greek assets goodbye,” commented one official.

The aim is to cut $20 billion in public spending while raising a further $20 billion by asking Greek workers to actually do something. When that part of the plan fails, Greek officials plan to use the threat of global economic collapse to obtain more loans.

To help stimulate the economy, the Greek government also plans to release 30 million barrels of oil from its Strategic Olive Oil Reserve.

Standing Behind the Greeks

Despite the uncomfortable Greek position — deep in arrears — the International Monetary Fund is pouring cash into Greece just so it can pay its debts.

“We stand firmly behind the Greeks,” said an IMF spokesman, “and we will continue to relentlessly inject large volumes of liquidity to help lubricate the Greek economy.”

Why Does Greece Matter?

Greece is important because it is a wonderful place to vacation, especially if you don’t mind Greek men leering at your women, or having your wallet stolen.

Greece is also an important source of ancient ruins, Greek salads, feta cheese, insane drivers, shipping magnates, gyro-scopes, and ouzo.

How dangerous is your job?

The Bureau of Labor Statistics has released its annual report on fatalities in the workplace. According to the preliminary report, there were 5,079 fatal work injuries in 2010, a 17 percent increase from 2009. The final figures will be released in June 2011.

These jobs topped the list as the most dangerous in the country:

1. Crash Test Pilot
2. Tornado Balloonist
3. Tree Catcher
4. Killer Whale Proctologist
5. Camp Crystal Lake Counselor
6. Gun Cleaner
7. Human Guinea Pig
8. Chain Saw Juggler
9. Prison infirmary Candy Striper
10. Spider-Man: the Musical cast member

HOUSTON, TX — Seeking to expand its operations in the Gulf of Mexico, British Petroleum today issued a statement promoting the relative safety of deep water drilling.

In a press conference today at BP America’s headquarters in Houston, a spokesperson said, “Sure, we may have killed some wildlife, contaminated miles of coastline, and disrupted the Gulf fishing industry. But at least our spill wasn’t radioactive.”

You can go with this, or you can go with that...

“We need to continue to provide America with the completely non-radioactive oil it needs to meet its energy requirements,”  the spokesperson continued. “Also, yacht racing season is coming up, and we could really use the extra cash.”

In related news, the Cape Wind project  — which involves spending billions of dollars for an offshore wind farm in Nantucket Sound, which makes sense because it will cost twice as much as a land-based wind farm — announced a new series of advertisements touting the safety of wind power. The campaign features the slogan, “When the wind is blowin’, you don’t need to be glowin’.

Not to be outdone, the US Solar Energy Council responded with its own timely slogan: “Solar Energy: the nuclear reaction is 93 million miles away.”

BOSTON — A toy safety group has released its annual “10 Worst Toys” list, highlighting hidden dangers, such as lead solder used with a toy blowtorch, along with more obvious hazards, such as fruit-flavored marbles.

WATCH (Weird Ass Toys Causing Harm) has been compiling the annual list for 38 years. The consumer group says companies continue to manufacture toys that could be harmful to children.

2010 “10 Worst Toys” List

FridgeTown Fun House

FridgeTown Fun House — The FridgeTown® Fun House promises “hours of creative play” and claims to be “fully insulated for year-round fun!”

While we applaud the manufacturer’s efforts to recycle old refrigerators into children’s playhouses, we must also note that the conversion process does not involve removing the refrigerator doors, resulting in a significant risk of entrapment, suffocation, and death.

To be fair, a bright orange “DO NOT CLOSE DOOR” label is affixed to inside of the door on each FridgeTown Fun House.

Frooty Marbles

Frooty Marbles — We have to admit, these fruit-flavored marbles are absolutely delicious. So delicious, in fact, that our testers couldn’t resist sucking on the marbles even after playing with them in the dirt.

This led to prolonged bouts of stomach cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, and ultimately the death of one of our testers due to a severe E. coli infection.

A Frooty™ Marbles spokesperson pointed out that the package labeling clearly states (in 4 point print) that the product may pose a choking hazard and is not intended for internal use. Fair enough, but then why make them so deliciously fruity?

Big Kidz Ladderz

Big Kidz Ladderz — We were expecting a flimsy product that would not safely bear the weight of children.

If only that were the case.

Instead, we found that Big Kidz Ladderz® are miniature, yet fully-functional extension ladders made from a lightweight, high-strength composite resin, and capable of supporting weight-bearing loads up to 800 pounds.

We gave the toy ladders to a group of six-year-old test subjects, and within a few minutes they were able to gain access to a roof, a 3rd story balcony, and a small water tower. The testing was stopped when two of the children used the toy ladders to breach an 8-foot security fence and gain access to a 10,000 volt electrical substation.

Radiation Lab

Radiation Lab — Last year we scoffed at Radiation Lab’s claim that it contained “real radioactive isotopes,” only to discover that the claim was terribly real. Three of our testers developed radiation sickness, two were rendered unable to conceive children, and one died of thyroid cancer. Radiation Lab™ was later banned by the Consumer Products Safety Commission, the FDA, and the US Nuclear Regulatory Commission. So why is Radiation Lab still available for sale this year?

A Radiation Lab spokes-mutant told us that due to a technical glitch, online orders are still being accepted, even though it is now illegal to buy or even possess the product.

According to the spokes-mutant, if you bought Radiation Lab online, all you need to do is call a toll-free 800 number. After a short 30 minute wait, you’ll be berated by an unintelligible Indian customer service representative, who will “accidentally” disconnect you while transferring you to a nonexistent supervisor. A few weeks later you should receive a 10-page refund application in the mail. Simply complete the refund application, include a copy of your sales receipt, as well as a photocopy of your passport and social security card, and return the form using the non-enclosed special envelope. Please allow at least 16 weeks for your refund to be processed.

Lil' Wayne Kidz Bopz

Lil’ Wayne Kidz Bopz — Hard-core rapper Lil’ Wayne® is out of prison and back in stores just in time for Christmas!

One might think that the folks at Kidz Bopz™ would sanitize the lyrics of Lil’ Wayne’s songs before re-recording them for children. But one would be wrong.

In this ill-advised DVD, a group of adorable young singers performs word-for-word renditions of Lil’ Wayne’s most popular songs, which feature misogynistic themes, graphic language, sexual references, violence, and racial slurs. Subtitles are also provided so your kids won’t miss a single word of their new vocabulary.

101 Funny Super Glue Tricks

101 Funny Super Glue Tricks —  There’s nothing funny about this reckless publication, unless you think it’s funny to Super Glue® mommy’s backside to the toilet, or permanently install grandma’s dentures by tampering with her Super Poligrip®.

The tricks range from relatively harmless (the old super-gluing a quarter to the sidewalk) to downright frightening (for safety reasons, we won’t elaborate further). And just remember, kids: they won’t let you play with Super Glue at the juvenile detention center.

BlowTorch Junior

BlowTorch Junior — This would appear to be a fully functional adult blowtorch with a “Jr.” label hastily affixed to the outside of the package. The risks for burns and house fires are bad enough, but BlowTorch Jr.™ also includes 3 pounds of solder containing dangerously high concentrations of lead and other toxic heavy metals.

A Blow Torch Jr. representative points out that the package label clearly states, “NOT TO BE USED BY CHILDREN IF THERE IS AN ADULT PRESENT.” Well okay, then.

Howdy, Stranger!

Howdy, Stranger! — This is a children’s book written by convicted pedophile Hannibal “Moe” Lester, author of How to Pick Up Little Girls.

This engaging yet horrifying picture book sends children the message that “Strangers Are Nice!” and can be completely trusted at all times. Topics include “How to talk to strangers,” “Taking candy from strangers,”and “Going to see the puppy.”

Howdy Stranger! is beautifully illustrated and utterly appalling.

Kidz Quarters

Kidz Quarters — In this disturbing game, children are directed to steal beer and spare change from their parents.

Why, you might ask? So they can take part in a dangerous drinking game usually played by college students, thereby risking permanent liver and brain damage, and even death.

We advise you to avoid this game, or at least substitute soft drinks for beer, thereby providing a more wholesome experience.

Matches 'N' Gas

Matches ‘N’ Gas — Let’s see what we have here:

A bright-red 5-gallon jug of gasoline.

Several boxes of brightly-colored “strike anywhere” matches.

A young child.

Put them all together and what do you get? One heck of a holiday surprise.

(Gasoline sold separately)

LOS ANGELES — In a career move that many public relations experts are describing as “ingenious,” Mel Gibson will temporarily abandon film-making and pursue a new career as a hip hop recording artist.

If the b--ch steps up with a baby, I'm slappin' the ho.

Stung by recently released tapes of him ranting uncontrollably and profanely at Oksana Grigorieva, mother of his 8-month-old daughter — as well as previous anti-Semitic and racist remarks — Gibson’s career appeared to be in serious jeopardy.

But in the world of hip hop, these apparent liabilities become assets.

“It’s a great career move for Mel Gibson at this point,” said Ron Gidear, whose public relations firm has represented hip hop artists such as Not So L’il Wayne, 75 Cent, 6Pac, Jay A-Z, and Enema-em.

“He’s hateful and violent toward women,” says Gidear. “He’s also extremely loud, incredibly profane, and he even uses the ‘n’ word with a high degree of comfort. He has all the hallmarks of a great hip hop artist.”

Honey, I'm home!

Gibson has been recording furiously, as well as sampling the tapes of his phone calls to Grigorieva.

He will release his first single next week on Bad Idea Records, tentatively entitled, “If You Don’t Shut the F— Up, I Will F—ing Kill You B–ch,” and will follow that with an “unplugged” acoustic recording entitled, “Go to the F—ing Jacuzzi By Yourself, You F—ing C—,You Don’t Love Me, I Will F—ing Kill You.”

Gibson is still trying to settle on a stage name for his new hip hop career, but is said to be considering one of the following:

• MWA (Mel With Attitude)
• RaveHeart
• Domestic Lethal Weapon
• The F-word Warrior
• Really Really Mad Max

(CNN) — The US Department of Homeland Security today announced a new strategy in the war on terror.

KillAmericanistan

Results of a joint study conducted by the CIA and the Theodor Geisel Advanced Research Institute strongly indicate the importance of words that rhyme with “an” in pinpointing terrorist groups.

“First we had the Taliban in Afghanistan,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The Taliban allowed a madman to hatch a plan to attack Manhattan. When Americans attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan, they turned and ran and took refuge in Pakistan. Clearly, there is a pattern here.”

At least one leading terrorism expert agrees. “It’s not just the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan,” says Middle East authority Stan Mahan, Ph.D., who teaches in Michigan, and is the author of Ban the Taliban: A New Plan for Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Sure, it all began in Afghanistan. But there’s a terrorist clan in Sudan, as well as that madman in Iran. Let’s not forget that the Fort Hood shooter was Nidal Malik Hasan. And who was he shooting at? Tex-ans.”

The CIA and US Military will continue to conduct operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and will closely monitor Sudan. Closer attention will also be paid to possible emerging threats in Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Attackistan, and KillAmericanistan.

Going forward, the Department of Homeland Security will devote more resources to investigate potential domestic terrorism threats, including but not limited to celebrities such as Justine Bateman, Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, David Letterman, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, and Pee Wee Herman. Homeland Security also plans to closely monitor recording artists Steely Dan, Manfred Mann, Duran Duran, and Bob Dylan.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — There were few surprises at this week’s Déjà Vu conference, held at the MIT Center for Cosmic Redundancy.

Leading experts in the field of Déjà Vu studies gathered to compare notes on this strange psychological or neurophysiological phenomenon, which manifests itself as the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.

But conference participants seemed disappointed with the lack of spontaneity in the conference agenda. “Every year it’s the same thing,” said one conference-goer. “We always know exactly what to expect. It’s as if we’ve heard all of the lectures before, and even the food is predictable. And every night after dinner they make us watch Groundhog Day. By the way, you look sort of familiar — have we met before?”

When asked to comment, conference chairman Dewitt Agin seemed unperturbed. “I knew someone was going to say that,” said Agin. ” I totally saw that one coming. In our field of study, everything is to be expected. By the way, don’t I know you from somewhere?”

A minor controversy erupted when several conference participants accused keynote speaker Duke Plicate of presenting the same lecture — entitled “Been There, Done That” — year after year. Unfortunately, there was no way to prove or disprove the assertion.

WASHINGTON — Citing numerous safety hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of 1.5 million Chinese-made Yoda action figures.

Government "Forces" Recall

The plastic action figures depicting the beloved Star Wars character contain numerous detachable small parts, posing a choking hazard for young children.

The toy Yodas can also cause lacerations, contusions, and loss of eyesight if thrown, and have been found to accelerate uncontrollably when used with model rocket engines. They can also cause burns if doused with lighter fluid and ignited.

Dangerous, I am

The toy Yodas contain high concentrations of lead, which could lead to brain damage if the toy is sucked on for prolonged periods.

Anthrax spores have been found in the toy’s packaging materials.

The Yoda action figures also contain elevated levels of Bisphenol A (BPA), which has been linked to reproductive problems and increased risk of cancer or diabetes, and were manufactured with an unstable plastic polymer that may cause the toy to burst into flame when placed in direct sunlight.

The toy Yodas are for external use only, can be harmful if swallowed, and should not be taken internally. They may cause hair loss, halitosis, vomiting, stomach cramps, and internal bleeding. Women who think they may be pregnant should not handle crushed or broken toy Yodas. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours while using a toy Yoda action figure, call your doctor.

WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the Washington Hearing Affliction Testing (WHAT) center today announced that a new hearing disorder, “palinitus,” has been named after conservative political figure Sarah Palin.

Politician and affliction

More than 50 million Americans are now believed to suffer from palinitus, which is somewhat similar to tinnitus, but is generally much more severe.  Palinitus may be an intermittent sound or an annoying continuous sound in one or both ears. Its pitch can go from a low roar to a high squeal or whine.

What Causes Palinitus?

Please...make it stop...

Most palinitus comes from damage to the microscopic endings of the hearing nerve in the inner ear, and is caused by repeated exposure to the loud, insane rantings of mentally unstable political candidates. The health of these nerve endings is important for acute hearing, and injury to them brings on hearing loss and often palinitus.

Where's the Off button on this thing?

If you are a conservative who frequently watches Fox news or television coverage of Tea Party conventions, you will likely suffer a certain amount of hearing nerve impairment and palinitus. Even for moderates and liberals, exposure to loud political noise is probably the leading cause of palinitus, and often damages hearing and destroys brain cells.

How is Palinitus Treated?

At least for now, there appears to be no cure for palinitus. It may simply go away on its own, or it may be a permanent disability that palinitus sufferers will have to “live with.” Doctors recommend the following measures to reduce the intensity of palinitus:

• Avoid watching television, or at least Fox news.
• Utilize masking noise. Palinitus is usually more bothersome when the surroundings are quiet, especially when you are in bed. A competing sound such as a ticking clock, a radio, or a Tea Party convention attended by loud, raving lunatics may help mask palinitus.
• Wear ear plugs, earmuffs, or silly colonial wigs to help reduce noise.

"I'm completely insane!"

NEW YORK — Seeking to make the best out a bad situation, Toyota today unveiled several new advertising slogans.

Toyota. Stick with us.

Toyota has recently been forced to recall 5.3 million vehicles to fix a problem in which the gas pedal can become caught on the edge of the removable floormat. That problem can cause the vehicle to accelerate uncontrollably.

In an attempt to stress the positive aspects of what has quickly become a public relations nightmare, Toyota will use the following new slogans in its advertising campaigns:

• Toyota. Moving forward. Really fast.
• Toyota. Uncontrollable excitement.
• Toyota. Nothing can stop us.
• Toyota. Expect the unexpected.
• Toyota. No holding back.
• Toyota. Unstoppable performance.
• Oh what a feeling! Of complete terror!
• I love what you do for me, Toyota! (personal injury attorney)
• Ask someone who crashed one.
• The best built cars in the world. Except for the gas pedal.
• Hey, at least the airbags worked!

(CNN) — In the wake of the “Underwear Bomber” attack — in which an alleged terrorist unsuccessfully tried to detonate his explosive underwear on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit — leading counter-terrorism experts and sociologists agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about the incident.

No luggage, paid cash, Dad warned American embassy. Red flags? What red flags?

“Three hundred people nearly lost their lives, so there’s certainly nothing to joke about,” said Richard Hertz, a senior official with the Department of Homeland Security. “For example, it would be completely inappropriate to refer to the explosive device as ‘Fruit of Ka-Boom,’ or to use the phrase ‘Great Balls of Fire’ to describe the attempted detonation.”

“This story obviously involves the fusion of classic comedic elements — namely, underpants and explosives — and would seem to be ripe for the cathartic release that humor can provide in coping with difficult or frightening situations,” says social behaviorist  Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Mind, Self, and Society: I’ll Make My Students Buy This Book. But it also involves terrorism, which has been forbidden territory for jokes ever since 9-11. You just don’t go there.”

Fruit of the Boom

One aspiring stand-up comic — who did not wish to be identified — found out the hard way. “I was at a party the other night when in walks my friend Chris, who happens to be Nigerian, just like the Underwear Bomber. So I go up to him and say, ‘Hey Chris, is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ Chris just looked at me like I was insane, and everyone was like, ‘Not cool, man. Not cool.’ So obviously at that point I forgot about trying my ‘Molotov Crotch-Fail’ routine.”

According to experts, the following comedic words and phrases should be avoided at all costs when discussing the Underwear Bomber:

• Fruit of Ka-Boom
• Victoria’s Secret Weapon
• BVD TNT
• Cannon Balls
• Explosive “Package”
• Great Balls of Fire
• Projectile Dysfunction
• Battle of the Bulge
• Crotch Rocket
• Trouser Howitzer
• Jock Wave
• Jock and Awe
• Pant Payload
• Bum Blast
• Smoking Gun
• Jocked and Loaded
• Molotov Crotchtail
• Pipe Bomb
• Plasdick Explosive
• Trouser Torpedo
• IED (Improvised Explosive Drawers)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Diaper)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Depends)
• Is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Defense attorneys have asked Dr. Downer for help in defending the Underwear Bomber,  Nigerian national Umar Heylook Atthebombinmyunderpants. “They’re trying to erect a defense, but in my opinion they’re flying by the seat of their pants,” said Downer. “At any rate, I’ve agreed to file a pair of briefs. No pun intended.”

(CNN) — Golfer Tiger Woods apologized Wednesday for “using his club” improperly to score a “hole in one” that let his family down — the same day a gossip magazine published a report alleging he had an affair.

Get. It. In. The. Hole.

In an attempt to address the allegations while still preserving his privacy, the golfer chose to employ a series of golf-themed euphemisms rather than discuss specific details of sexual impropriety.

“I have used my club improperly, and I regret that with all of my heart. I am totally in the rough on this issue. There has been too much wild swinging, and too many reckless strokes of the shaft, with balls flying everywhere. Somehow I was swallowed by the long grass, and I came out of the rough hot and heavy.  So now it’s time for me to put my club away and walk away from the hole,” he said in a statement on his official Web site.

Woods did not admit to an affair and offered no details about the “hole in one” in his statement, but he did seem to allude to the possibility of more than one affair, saying “Actually, it’s more like hole in ones. Or holes in one. Or hole in more than one. Let’s just say there were several holes.”

“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. But the head on my driver is enormous, and I couldn’t resist using my long iron to drive to the hole.  Mostly I would stick it close and finish up, but sometimes I would play it from behind the hole and back it up. Sometimes I would bone it, and other times I would hit a screamer. I think there were even a couple of rim jobs…where I just lipped it out…”

Woods went on to maintain that his recent actions are largely a product of his environment. “All day long, day in and day out, all I hear is, ‘Put it in the hole Tiger! Come on Tiger, put it in the hole! Get it in the hole, Tiger! Just put it in the hole! GET IT IN THERE! IN THE HOLE!’ I mean, just what the heck do you expect?”

ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today issued a stern warning against kissing balls.

The CDC fears that kissing balls — which involves the oral transmission of copious amounts of saliva from person-to-person — may lead to widespread disease, a global flu pandemic, and even death.

“Kissing balls may seem like harmless fun, but in fact can be extremely dangerous” said  Dr. Ann Tybody, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Oral Hygiene. “Given the risk of disease transmission, particularly with the advent of the H1N1 flu virus and the delay in vaccine distribution, we strongly recommend that the public avoid kissing balls.”

Government officials are particularly concerned about young adults, who tend to minimize the risks associated with kissing balls. “We especially need to reach out to this high risk group,” said HHS Secretary Kathleen Seeballsus, who today announced the launch of a new public service ad campaign, “Kissing Balls? Not Cool.”

But some have expressed frustration with the new government guidelines. “It’s bad enough we’re supposed to treat sick people like lepers, wash our hands fifty times a day, and panic every time we get a cold,” said Jenna Tull, a Los Angeles, California massage therapist. “And now we’re supposed to avoid kissing balls?”

If you absolutely cannot avoid kissing balls, the CDC recommends the following precautions:

• Persons with influenza-like illness (ILI) (i.e., fever with either cough or sore throat) should avoid kissing balls until at least 24 hours after they are free of fever (100° F [37.8°C]), or signs of a fever without the use of fever-reducing medications.
• Kissing balls should involve the use of a facemask or respirator.
• Disinfect balls with soap and water, an alcohol-based hand rub, or hydrogen peroxide.

Kissing balls may be hazardous to your health