David Hoyle

LOS ANGELES — In a career move that many public relations experts are describing as “ingenious,” Mel Gibson will temporarily abandon film-making and pursue a new career as a hip hop recording artist.

If the b--ch steps up with a baby, I'm slappin' the ho.

Stung by recently released tapes of him ranting uncontrollably and profanely at Oksana Grigorieva, mother of his 8-month-old daughter — as well as previous anti-Semitic and racist remarks — Gibson’s career appeared to be in serious jeopardy.

But in the world of hip hop, these apparent liabilities become assets.

“It’s a great career move for Mel Gibson at this point,” said Ron Gidear, whose public relations firm has represented hip hop artists such as Not So L’il Wayne, 75 Cent, 6Pac, Jay A-Z, and Enema-em.

“He’s hateful and violent toward women,” says Gidear. “He’s also extremely loud, incredibly profane, and he even uses the ‘n’ word with a high degree of comfort. He has all the hallmarks of a great hip hop artist.”

Honey, I'm home!

Gibson has been recording furiously, as well as sampling the tapes of his phone calls to Grigorieva.

He will release his first single next week on Bad Idea Records, tentatively entitled, “If You Don’t Shut the F— Up, I Will F—ing Kill You B–ch,” and will follow that with an “unplugged” acoustic recording entitled, “Go to the F—ing Jacuzzi By Yourself, You F—ing C—,You Don’t Love Me, I Will F—ing Kill You.”

Gibson is still trying to settle on a stage name for his new hip hop career, but is said to be considering one of the following:

• MWA (Mel With Attitude)
• RaveHeart
• Domestic Lethal Weapon
• The F-word Warrior
• Really Really Mad Max

(CNN) — The US Department of Homeland Security today announced a new strategy in the war on terror.

KillAmericanistan

Results of a joint study conducted by the CIA and the Theodor Geisel Advanced Research Institute strongly indicate the importance of words that rhyme with “an” in pinpointing terrorist groups.

“First we had the Taliban in Afghanistan,” said a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security. “The Taliban allowed a madman to hatch a plan to attack Manhattan. When Americans attacked the Taliban in Afghanistan, they turned and ran and took refuge in Pakistan. Clearly, there is a pattern here.”

At least one leading terrorism expert agrees. “It’s not just the Taliban in Afghanistan and Pakistan,” says Middle East authority Stan Mahan, Ph.D., who teaches in Michigan, and is the author of Ban the Taliban: A New Plan for Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Sure, it all began in Afghanistan. But there’s a terrorist clan in Sudan, as well as that madman in Iran. Let’s not forget that the Fort Hood shooter was Nidal Malik Hasan. And who was he shooting at? Tex-ans.”

The CIA and US Military will continue to conduct operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan, and will closely monitor Sudan. Closer attention will also be paid to possible emerging threats in Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrghyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Attackistan, and KillAmericanistan.

Going forward, the Department of Homeland Security will devote more resources to investigate potential domestic terrorism threats, including but not limited to celebrities such as Justine Bateman, Natalie Portman, Uma Thurman, David Letterman, Nicole Kidman, Lindsay Lohan, and Pee Wee Herman. Homeland Security also plans to closely monitor recording artists Steely Dan, Manfred Mann, Duran Duran, and Bob Dylan.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — There were few surprises at this week’s Déjà Vu conference, held at the MIT Center for Cosmic Redundancy.

Leading experts in the field of Déjà Vu studies gathered to compare notes on this strange psychological or neurophysiological phenomenon, which manifests itself as the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.

But conference participants seemed disappointed with the lack of spontaneity in the conference agenda. “Every year it’s the same thing,” said one conference-goer. “We always know exactly what to expect. It’s as if we’ve heard all of the lectures before, and even the food is predictable. And every night after dinner they make us watch Groundhog Day. By the way, you look sort of familiar — have we met before?”

When asked to comment, conference chairman Dewitt Agin seemed unperturbed. “I knew someone was going to say that,” said Agin. ” I totally saw that one coming. In our field of study, everything is to be expected. By the way, don’t I know you from somewhere?”

A minor controversy erupted when several conference participants accused keynote speaker Duke Plicate of presenting the same lecture — entitled “Been There, Done That” — year after year. Unfortunately, there was no way to prove or disprove the assertion.

WASHINGTON — Citing numerous safety hazards, the Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of 1.5 million Chinese-made Yoda action figures.

Government "Forces" Recall

The plastic action figures depicting the beloved Star Wars character contain numerous detachable small parts, posing a choking hazard to young children.

The toy Yodas can also cause lacerations, contusions, or loss of eyesight if thrown, and have been found to accelerate uncontrollably when used with model rocket engines. They also can cause burns if doused with lighter fluid and ignited.

Dangerous, I am

The toy Yodas contain high concentrations of lead, which could lead to brain damage if the toy is sucked on for prolonged periods.

Anthrax spores have been found in the toy’s packaging materials.

The Yoda action figures also contain elevated levels of Bisphenol A (BPA), which has been linked to reproductive problems and increased risk of cancer or diabetes, and were manufactured with an unstable plastic polymer that may cause the toy to burst into flame when placed in direct sunlight.

The toy Yodas are for external use only, can be harmful if swallowed, and should not be taken internally. They may cause hair loss, halitosis, vomiting, stomach cramps, and internal bleeding. Women who think they may be pregnant should not handle crushed or broken toy Yodas. If you experience an erection lasting more than four hours while using a toy Yoda action figure, call your doctor.

WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the Washington Hearing Affliction Testing (WHAT) center today announced that a new hearing disorder, “palinitus,” has been named after conservative political figure Sarah Palin.

Politician and affliction

More than 50 million Americans are now believed to suffer from palinitus, which is somewhat similar to tinnitus, but is generally much more severe.  Palinitus may be an intermittent sound or an annoying continuous sound in one or both ears. Its pitch can go from a low roar to a high squeal or whine.

What Causes Palinitus?

Please...make it stop...

Most palinitus comes from damage to the microscopic endings of the hearing nerve in the inner ear, and is caused by repeated exposure to the loud, desperate bleatings of failed political candidates. The health of these nerve endings is important for acute hearing, and injury to them brings on hearing loss and often palinitus.

Where's the Off button on this thing?

If you are a conservative who frequently watches Fox news or television coverage of Tea Party conventions, you will likely suffer a certain amount of hearing nerve impairment and palinitus. Even for moderates and liberals, exposure to loud political noise is probably the leading cause of palinitus, and often damages hearing and destroys brain cells.

How is Palinitus Treated?

At least for now, there appears to be no cure for palinitus. It may simply go away on its own, or it may be a permanent disability that palinitus sufferers will have to “live with.” Doctors recommend the following measures to reduce the intensity of palinitus:

• Avoid watching television, or at least Fox news.
• Utilize masking noise. Palinitus is usually more bothersome when the surroundings are quiet, especially when you are in bed. A competing sound such as a ticking clock, a radio, or a Tea Party convention attended by loud, raving lunatics may help mask palinitus.
• Wear ear plugs, earmuffs, or silly colonial wigs to help reduce noise.

"I'm completely insane!"

NEW YORK — Seeking to make the best out a bad situation, Toyota today unveiled several new advertising slogans.

Toyota. Stick with us.

Toyota has recently been forced to recall 5.3 million vehicles to fix a problem in which the gas pedal can become caught on the edge of the removable floormat. That problem can cause the vehicle to accelerate uncontrollably.

In an attempt to stress the positive aspects of what has quickly become a public relations nightmare, Toyota will use the following new slogans in its advertising campaigns:

• Toyota. Moving forward. Really fast.
• Toyota. Uncontrollable excitement.
• Toyota. Nothing can stop us.
• Toyota. Expect the unexpected.
• Toyota. No holding back.
• Toyota. Unstoppable performance.
• Oh what a feeling! Of complete terror!
• I love what you do for me, Toyota! (personal injury attorney)
• Ask someone who crashed one.
• The best built cars in the world. Except for the gas pedal.
• Hey, at least the airbags worked!

(CNN) — In the wake of the “Underwear Bomber” attack — in which an alleged terrorist unsuccessfully tried to detonate his explosive underwear on a Christmas Day flight to Detroit — leading counter-terrorism experts and sociologists agree that there is absolutely nothing funny about the incident.

No luggage, paid cash, Dad warned American embassy. Red flags? What red flags?

“Three hundred people nearly lost their lives, so there’s certainly nothing to joke about,” said Richard Hertz, a senior official with the Department of Homeland Security. “For example, it would be completely inappropriate to refer to the explosive device as ‘Fruit of Ka-Boom,’ or to use the phrase ‘Great Balls of Fire’ to describe the attempted detonation.”

“This story obviously involves the fusion of classic comedic elements — namely, underpants and explosives — and would seem to be ripe for the cathartic release that humor can provide in coping with difficult or frightening situations,” says social behaviorist  Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Mind, Self, and Society: I’ll Make My Students Buy This Book. But it also involves terrorism, which has been forbidden territory for jokes ever since 9-11. You just don’t go there.”

Fruit of the Boom

One aspiring stand-up comic — who did not wish to be identified — found out the hard way. “I was at a party the other night when in walks my friend Chris, who happens to be Nigerian, just like the Underwear Bomber. So I go up to him and say, ‘Hey Chris, is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?’ Chris just looked at me like I was insane, and everyone was like, ‘Not cool, man. Not cool.’ So obviously at that point I forgot about trying my ‘Molotov Crotch-Fail’ routine.”

According to experts, the following comedic words and phrases should be avoided at all costs when discussing the Underwear Bomber:

• Fruit of Ka-Boom
• Victoria’s Secret Weapon
• BVD TNT
• Cannon Balls
• Explosive “Package”
• Great Balls of Fire
• Projectile Dysfunction
• Battle of the Bulge
• Crotch Rocket
• Trouser Howitzer
• Jock Wave
• Jock and Awe
• Pant Payload
• Bum Blast
• Smoking Gun
• Jocked and Loaded
• Molotov Crotchtail
• Pipe Bomb
• Plasdick Explosive
• Trouser Torpedo
• IED (Improvised Explosive Drawers)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Diaper)
• IED (Improvised Explosive Depends)
• Is that an explosive device in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Defense attorneys have asked Dr. Downer for help in defending the Underwear Bomber,  Nigerian national Umar Heylook Atthebombinmyunderpants. “They’re trying to erect a defense, but in my opinion they’re flying by the seat of their pants,” said Downer. “At any rate, I’ve agreed to file a pair of briefs. No pun intended.”

(CNN) — Golfer Tiger Woods apologized Wednesday for “using his club” improperly to score a “hole in one” that let his family down — the same day a gossip magazine published a report alleging he had an affair.

Get. It. In. The. Hole.

In an attempt to address the allegations while still preserving his privacy, the golfer chose to employ a series of golf-themed euphemisms rather than discuss specific details of sexual impropriety.

“I have used my club improperly, and I regret that with all of my heart. I am totally in the rough on this issue. There has been too much wild swinging, and too many reckless strokes of the shaft, with balls flying everywhere. Somehow I was swallowed by the long grass, and I came out of the rough hot and heavy.  So now it’s time for me to put my club away and walk away from the hole,” he said in a statement on his official Web site.

Woods did not admit to an affair and offered no details about the “hole in one” in his statement, but he did seem to allude to the possibility of more than one affair, saying “Actually, it’s more like hole in ones. Or holes in one. Or hole in more than one. Let’s just say there were several holes.”

“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. But the head on my driver is enormous, and I couldn’t resist using my long iron to drive to the hole.  Mostly I would stick it close and finish up, but sometimes I would play it from behind the hole and back it up. Sometimes I would bone it, and other times I would hit a screamer. I think there were even a couple of rim jobs…where I just lipped it out…”

Woods went on to maintain that his recent actions are largely a product of his environment. “All day long, day in and day out, all I hear is, ‘Put it in the hole Tiger! Come on Tiger, put it in the hole! Get it in the hole, Tiger! Just put it in the hole! GET IT IN THERE! IN THE HOLE!’ I mean, just what the heck do you expect?”

ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today issued a stern warning against kissing balls.

The CDC fears that kissing balls — which involves the oral transmission of copious amounts of saliva from person-to-person — may lead to widespread disease, a global flu pandemic, and even death.

“Kissing balls may seem like harmless fun, but in fact can be extremely dangerous” said  Dr. Ann Tybody, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Oral Hygiene. “Given the risk of disease transmission, particularly with the advent of the H1N1 flu virus and the delay in vaccine distribution, we strongly recommend that the public avoid kissing balls.”

Government officials are particularly concerned about young adults, who tend to minimize the risks associated with kissing balls. “We especially need to reach out to this high risk group,” said HHS Secretary Kathleen Seeballsus, who today announced the launch of a new public service ad campaign, “Kissing Balls? Not Cool.”

But some have expressed frustration with the new government guidelines. “It’s bad enough we’re supposed to treat sick people like lepers, wash our hands fifty times a day, and panic every time we get a cold,” said Jenna Tull, a Los Angeles, California massage therapist. “And now we’re supposed to avoid kissing balls?”

If you absolutely cannot avoid kissing balls, the CDC recommends the following precautions:

• Persons with influenza-like illness (ILI) (i.e., fever with either cough or sore throat) should avoid kissing balls until at least 24 hours after they are free of fever (100° F [37.8°C]), or signs of a fever without the use of fever-reducing medications.
• Kissing balls should involve the use of a facemask or respirator.
• Disinfect balls with soap and water, an alcohol-based hand rub, or hydrogen peroxide.

Kissing balls may be hazardous to your health

MIAMI, FL — A night of revelry turned into tragedy last night at a Miami nightclub when an attractive young woman — referred to in modern urban vernacular as a “shawty” — was burned in a fire on the dance floor at the Mansion club.

Miami Fire Department investigators reported that the victim had been shaking her thang hotter than the sun in the south of Spain for a prolonged period.  According to eyewitness accounts, the shawty had just finished popping, locking, and dropping her birthday cake, when suddenly she burst into flame.

Shawty fire burning on the dance floor.

As of yet investigators do not know exactly what caused the the shawty to burst into flame. Preliminary findings would seem to point toward some sort of incendiary device under the dance floor, some sort of highly combustible liquid, or spontaneous booty combustion.

Club-goer Sean Kingston saw what happened and tried to summon help by repeatedly screaming, “Somebody call 911! She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor! That little shawty’s fire burning on the dance floor!”

Sean Kingston: Somebody call 911!

Despite Kingston’s efforts, the shawty was fully involved by the time firefighters arrived, and suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 80% of her body.

A distraught Kingston expressed sorrow at the tragic turn of events. “Her body was a masterpiece,” said Kingston, “the order is one in every hundred years. And I was planning on taking it home. So I guess I got burned, too. But maybe I can at least get a song out of all this.”

Shawty Fire Safety Tips

Fire prevention experts offer these tips to prevent shawty fires on dance floors:

• Keep combustible materials and liquids away from dance floors.
• Do not place incendiary devices underneath dance floors.
• Always keep a shawty extinguisher at the ready.
• When shaking your thang for prolonged periods, take frequent breaks to cool your thang down.
• Wear flame-retardant underwear.

SAUGUS, MA –  A Target store manager has been accused of dropping trousers in front of one of his employees.

Falling trouser zone?

According to the complaint filed yesterday, Target employee Sue Yorassov had just arrived for work when she encountered assistant store manager Moe Lester while crossing through the Men’s department on her way to Handbags & Accessories.

According to Yorassov, she saw Lester stocking a clearance rack and had just called out a cheerful “good morning,” when suddenly and without warning “he turned around and dropped trousers right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or say…I mean, he’s a manager, he’s not supposed to drop trousers.”

Nice rack!

After a few seconds of awkward silence, said Yorassov, “he  just smiled and said, ‘whoops!’  Then he picked up the trousers, put them back on the Ultimate Pleated Khaki clearance rack, and went on as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it.”

Deeply traumatized by the incident, Yorassov has been unable to work, and is entertaining offers of legal representation. “We’re talking Target here,” said one attorney. “We’re talking $64 billion in revenue last year. I wish he had dropped trousers in front of me.”

But this is not the first employee complaint lodged against this apparently deeply troubled store manager. Lester has also been accused of handling women’s undergarments, closely monitoring store changing rooms, spending “way too much” time in the Juniors department, and looking up women’s dresses (in inventory).

I imagine that many of you are wondering what I do when I’m not working on this blog. I imagine it because no one has actually asked me.

So for all of you who weren’t wondering, didn’t ask, and may not care, I can tell you that one of my other interests is writing about cleavage tattoos.

Now stop bugging me.

FORT COLLINS, Colorado — In a frantic 911 call this morning, Richard Heene reported that his six-year-old son, widely known as “Balloon Boy,” has been abducted by aliens.

Richard Heene and "Balloon Boy" in happier times

“I’m not kidding around this time, he’s really gone,” said an apparently distraught Heene. “But don’t take my word for it. Go ahead and look in the attic, the basement, search the whole house. He’s really gone this time! They took him!”

The Heenes grabbed the nation’s attention last week when they reported that an experimental helium balloon shaped like a container of Jiffy Pop was set adrift with their six-year-old son apparently riding in it.

I'll be down in a few minutes

That story proved to be a hoax designed to drum up publicity for a reality TV show featuring the Heenes along with Jon and Kate Gosselin, tentatively titled Using the Children for Publicity.

Heene reported that the family was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises and intensely bright lights outside. When he went to check on the children, his six-year-old son, Falcon, was not in his bedroom, and all of his toys had been turned on and were careening around the room.

ET also stands for "Entertainment Tonight"

Heene said that when he went downstairs to check for Falcon, he saw him exit the house through the dog door, presumably into the hands of alien abductors.

Heene also reportedly contacted NASA to inquire about the possibility of borrowing a space shuttle.

“He’s probably still in Earth orbit,” said Heene, “If we act quickly, maybe we can recover Falcon before he leaves the solar system.”

WASHINGTON — President Obama said Friday he was “most surprised and deeply humbled” to win the 2009 Dancing With the Stars televised dance competition, adding that he accepts the honor as “a call to action to confront the dance challenges of the 21st century.”

If you work hard, you can win a Nobel Prize. Or maybe they'll just give you one.

In a brief statement in the White House Rose Garden on Friday, the president said he does not “view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, since I did not actually perform a dance routine,” but rather as a recognition of ballroom dance goals he has set for the United States and the world.

Coming on the heels of the president’s somewhat dubious Nobel Peace Prize, the decision appeared to catch most observers by surprise.

“I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize,” he said, “and those who competed but were not ultimately successful, such as Tom Delay, who was forced to leave the show last week after dancing the samba with stress fractures in both feet.”

Obama will travel to Television City in Los Angeles, California in December to accept the honor, which includes a mirror ball trophy, the White House said.

The Dancing With the Stars panel of judges said its decision to honor the president was motivated by a combination of boredom and delusional hero worship. “We were just tired of watching bad ballroom dancing week in and week out,” said judge Carrie Ann Inaba, “and Obama is one cute cowboy! Plus, our last names sort of rhyme!”

The White House also reported that President Obama has also won American Idol, first place in a giant pumpkin contest at a state fair, and first prize and “Miss Congeniality” in a Junior Miss pageant in Lubbock, Texas.

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler  then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up.  He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.