David Hoyle

MIAMI, FL — A night of revelry turned into tragedy last night at a Miami nightclub when an attractive young woman — referred to in modern urban vernacular as a “shawty” — was burned in a fire on the dance floor at the Mansion club.

Miami Fire Department investigators reported that the victim had been shaking her thang hotter than the sun in the south of Spain for a prolonged period.  According to eyewitness accounts, the shawty had just finished popping, locking, and dropping her birthday cake, when suddenly she burst into flame.

Shawty fire burning on the dance floor.

As of yet investigators do not know exactly what caused the the shawty to burst into flame. Preliminary findings would seem to point toward some sort of incendiary device under the dance floor, some sort of highly combustible liquid, or spontaneous booty combustion.

Club-goer Sean Kingston saw what happened and tried to summon help by repeatedly screaming, “Somebody call 911! She’s fire burning, fire burning on the dance floor! That little shawty’s fire burning on the dance floor!”

Sean Kingston: Somebody call 911!

Despite Kingston’s efforts, the shawty was fully involved by the time firefighters arrived, and suffered 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 80% of her body.

A distraught Kingston expressed sorrow at the tragic turn of events. “Her body was a masterpiece,” said Kingston, “the order is one in every hundred years. And I was planning on taking it home. So I guess I got burned, too. But maybe I can at least get a song out of all this.”

Shawty Fire Safety Tips

Fire prevention experts offer these tips to prevent shawty fires on dance floors:

• Keep combustible materials and liquids away from dance floors.
• Do not place incendiary devices underneath dance floors.
• Always keep a shawty extinguisher at the ready.
• When shaking your thang for prolonged periods, take frequent breaks to cool your thang down.
• Wear flame-retardant underwear.

SAUGUS, MA –  A Target store manager has been accused of dropping trousers in front of one of his employees.

Falling trouser zone?

According to the complaint filed yesterday, Target employee Sue Yorassov had just arrived for work when she encountered assistant store manager Moe Lester while crossing through the Men’s department on her way to Handbags & Accessories.

According to Yorassov, she saw Lester stocking a clearance rack and had just called out a cheerful “good morning,” when suddenly and without warning “he turned around and dropped trousers right in front of me. I didn’t know what to do or say…I mean, he’s a manager, he’s not supposed to drop trousers.”

Nice rack!

After a few seconds of awkward silence, said Yorassov, “he  just smiled and said, ‘whoops!’  Then he picked up the trousers, put them back on the Ultimate Pleated Khaki clearance rack, and went on as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t believe it.”

Deeply traumatized by the incident, Yorassov has been unable to work, and is entertaining offers of legal representation. “We’re talking Target here,” said one attorney. “We’re talking $64 billion in revenue last year. I wish he had dropped trousers in front of me.”

But this is not the first employee complaint lodged against this apparently deeply troubled store manager. Lester has also been accused of handling women’s undergarments, closely monitoring store changing rooms, spending “way too much” time in the Juniors department, and looking up women’s dresses (in inventory).

I imagine that many of you are wondering what I do when I’m not working on this blog. I imagine it because no one has actually asked me.

So for all of you who weren’t wondering, didn’t ask, and may not care, I can tell you that one of my other interests is writing about cleavage tattoos.

Now stop bugging me.

FORT COLLINS, Colorado — In a frantic 911 call this morning, Richard Heene reported that his six-year-old son, widely known as “Balloon Boy,” has been abducted by aliens.

Richard Heene and "Balloon Boy" in happier times

“I’m not kidding around this time, he’s really gone,” said an apparently distraught Heene. “But don’t take my word for it. Go ahead and look in the attic, the basement, search the whole house. He’s really gone this time! They took him!”

The Heenes grabbed the nation’s attention last week when they reported that an experimental helium balloon shaped like a container of Jiffy Pop was set adrift with their six-year-old son apparently riding in it.

I'll be down in a few minutes

That story proved to be a hoax designed to drum up publicity for a reality TV show featuring the Heenes along with Jon and Kate Gosselin, tentatively titled Using the Children for Publicity.

Heene reported that the family was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises and intensely bright lights outside. When he went to check on the children, his six-year-old son, Falcon, was not in his bedroom, and all of his toys had been turned on and were careening around the room.

ET also stands for "Entertainment Tonight"

Heene said that when he went downstairs to check for Falcon, he saw him exit the house through the dog door, presumably into the hands of alien abductors.

Heene also reportedly contacted NASA to inquire about the possibility of borrowing a space shuttle.

“He’s probably still in Earth orbit,” said Heene, “If we act quickly, maybe we can recover Falcon before he leaves the solar system.”

WASHINGTON — President Obama said Friday he was “most surprised and deeply humbled” to win the 2009 Dancing With the Stars televised dance competition, adding that he accepts the honor as “a call to action to confront the dance challenges of the 21st century.”

If you work hard, you can win a Nobel Prize. Or maybe they'll just give you one.

In a brief statement in the White House Rose Garden on Friday, the president said he does not “view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, since I did not actually perform a dance routine,” but rather as a recognition of ballroom dance goals he has set for the United States and the world.

Coming on the heels of the president’s somewhat dubious Nobel Peace Prize, the decision appeared to catch most observers by surprise.

“I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize,” he said, “and those who competed but were not ultimately successful, such as Tom Delay, who was forced to leave the show last week after dancing the samba with stress fractures in both feet.”

Obama will travel to Television City in Los Angeles, California in December to accept the honor, which includes a mirror ball trophy, the White House said.

The Dancing With the Stars panel of judges said its decision to honor the president was motivated by a combination of boredom and delusional hero worship. “We were just tired of watching bad ballroom dancing week in and week out,” said judge Carrie Ann Inaba, “and Obama is one cute cowboy! Plus, our last names sort of rhyme!”

The White House also reported that President Obama has also won American Idol, first place in a giant pumpkin contest at a state fair, and first prize and “Miss Congeniality” in a Junior Miss pageant in Lubbock, Texas.

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler  then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up.  He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.

Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice

WASHINGTON — Top Bush administration officials gave the CIA approval to use wakeboarding, a controversial interrogation technique, as early as 2002, a Senate intelligence report shows.

On July 17, 2002, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, who later became secretary of state, said the CIA could proceed with “alternative interrogation methods,” including wakeboarding, when questioning  suspected al Qaeda terrorist detainees.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Wakeboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which a detainee’s feet are attached to a small wooden or fiberglass board. The detainee is then towed at a high rate of speed behind a small boat with a powerful inboard or outboard engine.

The wakeboarder is forced to stay upright on the board for prolonged periods to avoid “wiping out” and experiencing temporary simulated drowning.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is Wakeboarded

The controversial technique was used in Guantanamo Bay at least 83 times in August 2002 on suspected al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah, according to the report.

Interrogators also wakeboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in March 2003. Mohammed is believed to be the mastermind behind the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States.

Interrogators had already extracted the majority of actionable intelligence from Mohammed after the first 83 wakeboardings, but apparently Mohammed had developed a “sick” half-tuck somersault flip with “serious hang time,” so the interrogators decided to just continue to let Mohammed “shred it out to the max.”

The American Civil Liberties Union and international human rights activists are appalled at the disclosures.

“It was bad enough that wakeboarding was used to begin with,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Ann Tagonistic, “but the addition of a series of floating ramps to encourage freestyle jumps was simply unconscionable.”

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed airs it out in Guantanamo Bay

“These men are more suited to the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan than the waters of the Caribbean,” said Tagonistic. “Strapping their feet to a board and towing them behind a speedboat certainly constitutes a radical departure from humane interrogation techniques. They experienced forced inhalation of exhaust fumes, repeated violent immersion, and they were exposed to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation.  And they also got water up their noses.”

Wielding powerful endoscopic suction devices, doctors today removed several liters of toxic bile from former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney has recently been spewing toxic bile uncontrollably on almost a daily basis, spraying both Democrats and Republicans with bitter acidic fluids from deep within his gut.

Humans normally produce 400-800 ml of bile each day to aid in fat absorption and digestion. But apparently  Cheney suffers from “Unmitigated Gall Bladder,” a condition in which the liver and gall bladder produce several liters of thick, viscous black bile each day.

This hyper-production of bile leads to a reflux of copious volumes of toxic fluids through the bile ducts and into the stomach and esophagus,  resulting in a huge pressure dome of noxious bile that eventually spews forth volcanically and indiscriminately.

Complicating matters, the former Vice President has recently suffered from a chronically enlarged spleen. Surgeons implanted a series of filtered stents, which helped relieve pressure, but the procedure also resulted in the unwanted side-effect of Cheney venting his spleen regularly and voluminously.

“As a result,” said Dr. Chip Zansalsa, Chairman of the Gastrobiology and Digestion Clinic at the University of Wynonna, “Cheney was unrelentingly and indiscriminately spewing forth huge amounts of virulent bile on a daily basis on both friend and foe alike. If you have these types of symptoms — randomly spewing bile, delusional thinking, lashing out indiscriminately — please see your doctor.”

Dr. Zansalsa went on to point out the recent case involving radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who was widely considered to be psychotic until a routine medical examination revealed a large crustacean lodged in his rectum.

“Following a prolonged series of surgeries, Rush is now doing fine,” said Zansalsa. “He’s as gentle as a kitten.”

Vanished into thin air: David Copperfield

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Police in Las Vegas, Nevada confirmed today that magician David Copperfield has vanished. Copperfield was last seen at the MGM Grand Hotel last weekend, where he was performing.

Police are investigating the disappearance, but have little evidence to work with. “It’s like he just vanished into thin air,” said Las Vegas Police Detective Jim Nasium. “One second he was there, and then ‘poof,’ he was gone.” Police are unsure if Copperfield’s disappearance may be linked to recent legal troubles, or whether foul play is involved.

Disappeared: Penn & Teller

But this is not the first time a magician has disappeared. Coming on the heels of last week’s Penn & Teller disappearance, police are beginning to wonder if some sort of pattern is emerging. Magician David Blaine was feared missing earlier this week, but was later found buried in a glass coffin in New York. And a panic ensued when magician Doug Henning could not be located for several days, until authorities determined that he had died in 2000.

Missing since 2000: Doug Henning

“This may be the work of a celebrity stalker,” said Forensic Psychologist Ann Teeter, “or it could be that these illusionists have simply decided to disappear. Men like these can carry invisible wounds, and sometimes tend to build invisible fences around themselves.”

In addition to David Copperfield, police are also asking the public to call in if they have any information regarding the whereabouts of a missing Lear jet, a vanished train car, or the Statue of Liberty.

SESAME STREET (AP) — CDC officials confirmed today that Miss Pigathius “Piggy” Lee, widely known as “Miss Piggy,” has been involuntarily detained and quarantined pending the outcome of testing to determine whether or not she has been infected with the swine flu virus.

Officials were alerted to the potentially deadly situation by Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy’s common-law husband. Kermit became alarmed after Miss Piggy developed flu-like symptoms shortly after returning from a vacation trip to Cancun, Mexico.

“Miss Piggy just kept saying,  ‘Oh, Kermie, Oh Kermie,’ and smothering me with kisses, even though I kept asking her to stop,” said Kermit. “Then I saw the news reports about swine flu.” As a precautionary measure, CDC officials have also quarantined Kermit the Frog.

Sesame Street police reported that Miss Piggy, who holds a pink belt in Pig Kwon Do, actively and violently resisted detainment, assaulting officers with a series of karate chops and kicks while shrieking, “HAI-YA!”

Ultimately, police were forced to use a taser to subdue Miss Piggy.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said today that a total of seven cases of a previously undetected strain of mime flu have been confirmed in humans in the United States.

The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called mime influenza A H1N11, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in humans before. The new strain attacks the vocal cords of its victims, rendering them unable to speak and prone to rampant, uncontrollable pantomime.

The first two cases were picked up through a special influenza monitoring program, with stations in San Diego and El Paso, Texas. The program aims to detect new cases through routine and expanded surveillance for people walking against nonexistent wind, pulling or climbing imaginary ropes, or leaning against imaginary objects.

“Mime flu depletes the amount of hemoglobin and lowers the blood pressure of its victims, causing their faces to take on an extremely pale complexion,” said  Dr. Lynne Guini, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Pantomime. “Also, for reasons not currently understood, victims of mime flu feel the need to don black and white striped shirts, black pants, black hats, and black or white gloves.”

Symptoms of mime flu in humans are expected to resemble regular human seasonal influenza symptoms, including fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, and coughing.

Other reported symptoms include pretending to eat food, walking in place, climbing imaginary ladders, and becoming trapped inside invisible walls.

Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid mime flu:

1) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with mimes.

2) Decontaminate mimes with hydrogen peroxide.

3) Quarantine mime flu victims inside invisible walls until symptoms abate.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said today that a total of seven cases of a previously undetected strain of swine flu have been confirmed in humans in the United States.

A swine flu victim

The CDC reported that the victims are infected with a virus called swine influenza A H1N1, whose combination of genes has not been seen in flu viruses in either humans or pigs before. The new strain triggers mutations that cause humans to spontaneously generate some of the physical characteristics of pigs.

The first two cases were picked up through a special influenza monitoring program, with stations in San Diego and El Paso, Texas. The program aims to detect new cases through routine and expanded surveillance for people with pig faces.

“One of the victims is a young girl suddenly cursed with a pig face,” said  Dr. Anne Chovi, the CDC’s Interim Deputy Director for Science, Public Health, and Plot Summary. “She is isolated by her parents, but then breaks free to discover life beyond the protective walls of her home. The curse will be lifted when she can get someone to love her for herself…or when researchers develop a new swine flu vaccine.”

Medical personnel who have contracted swine flu

At this point, the ability for the human influenza vaccine to protect against this new swine flu strain is unknown, and medical personnel treating swine flu victims run a higher risk of contracting the disease, she said.

Symptoms of swine flu in humans are expected to resemble regular human seasonal influenza symptoms, including fever, lethargy, lack of appetite, and coughing.

Another victim of swine flu

Other reported symptoms include runny nose, sore throat, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and growing a pig nose, snout, or a cute squiggly tail.

“There is no danger from contracting the virus from eating pork products,” Chovi said, “but you probably want to stop hanging out with pigs.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that same-sect marriage is now legal in California.

In past statements,  Schwarzenegger has said he personally believes marriage should be between two people “regardless of their religious affiliation, as long as they’re not gay or anything,” and has rejected legislation authorizing same-sect marriage. Yet he has also said he would not care if same-sect marriage were legally mandated, saying he believed that such an important societal issue should be determined by the voters or the courts.

“I think a Catholic should be able to marry a Catholic, a Jew should be able to marry a Jew, and a Mormon should be able to marry one or more Mormons,” said Schwarzenegger. “You start mixing things up, maybe it’s not so good. It can certainly make things more complicated with holidays. And it can make it a lot more difficult to deal with the in-laws.”

“It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax,” concluded Schwarzenegger.^*

But when reached for comment, California Supreme Court Chief Justice Ronald M. George pointed out that “as far as I know, so-called ‘same-sect’ unions, or marriages between two people of the same religion, have been always been allowed in California, as have interfaith marriages. So I’m not sure what the Governor’s point is. But as long as you’re not gay, you’re good to go.”

* Actual quote.

In another disturbing attack on a shipping vessel, a US cargo ship today was seized by a desperate and lawless band of high-seas fitness instructors.

Using AK-47 assault rifles and large excercise balls to take control of the ship, the Pilates trainers forced the crew to assume a variety of supine positions and perform a series of excercises with control, precision, and the correct use of breath.

The 20 US Nationals were then forced at gunpoint to put the series of individual excercise components together and employ them in Pilates matwork excercises.

The second-in-command, Capt. Doug Barnes of Plymouth, Massachusetts, called his wife at 10 a.m EDT and told her that Pilates had taken over the ship, which was carrying food aid for Africa, before dawn local time.

“They’ve been relatively safe, for the most part. I guess maybe it was inevitable,” she said. “They’re all pretty out of shape, just sitting around all day on a ship packed with food. My husband is a pretty smart man. He knows the protocol. He’ll do what he needs to do to keep the crew safe, even if it means placing a soft ball or cushion between his inner thighs while dropping his belly and breathing wide and deep into his back, and then sliding his shoulder blades and ribs towards his lifted pelvis.”

US officials fear that some crew members may have been injured during a series of pelvic tilts. According to unconfirmed reports, some crew members may not have moved between the posterior and anterior pelvic tilts by curling through the pelvis, but instead attempted the flattening and arching of the spine by simply pressing down and lifting up, thus creating a strain and the potential for injury.

The crew was eventually released after agreeing to pay $80 each for the one-hour Pilates session.

Maritime experts theorize that the recent wave of Pilates attacks on shipping may be due to the bad economy. “They can’t book enough sessions on land to make ends meet, so they’ve taken to the high seas to look for new customers,” said Capt. Joseph Crusty, a professor at the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. “And flabby, unarmed crew members are easy targets.”

Frustrated that her petition to adopt a second Malawian child was rejected by a local judge, Madonna has decided to instead adopt a section of Interstate 75 near her childhood home in Rochester Hills, Michigan.

“Madonna  was extremely disappointed that she wasn’t allowed to adopt a second Malawian child, especially after all she’s done for the Malawians,” said Madonna’s publicist. “And she just really felt the need to adopt something, ideally a child. And adopting a pet just wasn’t going to cut it after she had her sights set on a human being. So she decided to go with a highway.”

According to her publicist, “Madonna will pick up litter three times a year from the highway roadsides in her designated area. Well, she won’t actually do it herself; she’ll pay someone else to do it.”

Madonna’s name will be posted on an official Adopt-A-Highway sign that will be displayed on her two-mile stretch of I-75.  She will also receive a certificate of participation which she intends to proudly display whilst skanking about in music videos wearing clothing more appropriate for adult entertainment workers thirty years younger than she.