David Hoyle

In a shocking disclosure, the CERN Laboratory today revealed that one of its research scientists used the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to heat a Lean Cuisine frozen entree.

The Large Hadron Collider

The Large Hadron Collider is the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, intended to collide opposing particle beams at extremely high energies.

According to CERN Research Director Professor Rolf-Dieter Stoufferz, “The LHC was not designed to heat food, and Alfredo Pasta with Chicken and Broccoli was not part of our series of regularly scheduled experiments. We are more interested in generating subatomic particles such as the Higgs Boson, rather than healthy and delicious dinner entrees.”

The unauthorized experiment was performed by Dr. Hugh Junger, a gifted but eccentric scientist with dual PhDs in Quantum Physics and Hotel & Restaurant Management.

“There was a line for the break room microwave AGAIN,” said Junger. “This thing cost billions to build, but for some reason we only have one freakin’ microwave for like, 10,000 people. And I was starving. So I figured what the hey, dual proton beams with an energy of 7 TeV per particle ought to heat my ‘Fredo up with a quickness.”

Proton beams converge on the Alfredo Pasta, reducing it to subatomic particles

Unfortunately  for Junger, the Lean Cuisine entree was vaporized almost instantaneously, yeilding equal amounts of pasta and anti-pasta, gamma rays, and a Quark-gluon plasma in a creamy alfredo sauce.

Undeterred, Junger plans a series of experiments with microwave popcorn.

In a continued attempt to reduce widespread fears about the economy and give his programs time to work, President Barack Obama today again reminded Americans to count their blessings.

“Things could be worse,” said President Obama. “A lot worse. This may be the worst recession since the Great Depression, but at least it’s not a depression yet. There have been no runs on banks. No one is jumping out of windows on Wall Street. Well, okay, a few people killed themselves after that Bernie Madoff thing, but still…”

The President recently seems to be employing  the psychological tactic of Defensive Pessimism, or “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  “There can be an adaptive benefit to thinking through worse-case scenarios,” said Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Embrace the Pain. “Negative thinking can sometimes be an effective strategy for managing anxiety.  Indulging in negative thoughts can help people do their best by preparing for the worst.”

Obama went on to point out that, “Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve lost your house. Maybe you’re living in a homeless shelter, or in your car, or under a bridge. But at least you don’t have cancer.”

“Or maybe you have cancer, but your chances for survival are pretty good, say better than 50-50,” said the President, “and you’re not coughing up blood yet. And you still have control of your bowels.”

“Or maybe you are completely incontinent and coughing up buckets of blood,” continued Obama, “but at least you’re not dead yet. Oh, you may long for death and release from the indescribable pain you are in…but at least you are not dead yet.”

“Or maybe you are dead,” concluded Obama. “But I think most of us believe that we go to a better place when we die, so even then you’d be in pretty good shape. So, even worse-case scenario, no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay.”

In an effort to improve its battered image with an outraged American public, the embattled AIG (American International Group) today announced that it is changing its name to “Consolidated Investment Associates,” or CIA.

Acknowledging that the acronym is already widely used to refer to the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, Edward Liddy, the CEO of the former AIG, admitted that “This was in fact a deliberate public relations maneuver. Congress regularly gives billions of dollars to the CIA without yelling at anyone, or even asking questions about where the money is going, so that sounded pretty darned good to us at this point.”

The new company name was conceived by the Makeoffsky Group, a New York public relations firm that reportedly received in the neighborhood of $165 million of American taxpayers’ money to develop the new corporate identity. Other possible new names that were considered for the former AIG were said to include:

• Make-A-Wish
• The Girl Scouts of America
• Childhood Leukemia Foundation
• Christian Children’s Fund
• Paralyzed Veterans of America
• Feed the Children
• Habitat for Humanity
• The American Cancer Society
• The Roman Catholic Church

BURLINGTON, MA — Authorities continued to work today to determine why a software engineer went off on a rampage yesterday, shooting 10 co-workers before barricading himself in his mother’s basement.

The shootings happened Tuesday afternoon at Imsosoft, a Boston-area software development firm, and were believed to be the work of Zdantmyltz Tsadzpomsyck, a programmer in his 40s who lives with his mother and once worked at Microsoft.

Referred to by his co-workers simply as “Z,” due to the fact that his name is unpronounceable, Tsadzpomsyck is believed to be from Finland, Iceland, or possibly Uzbekistan.

The shooting spree began around 3:30 p.m. Tuesday when Tsadzpomsyck approached Cobey Brandt, an Imsosoft technical writer. “Z started asking about the release notes, but he seemed sort of nervous, and I noticed that he had his right hand behind his back,” said Brandt. “Then the next thing I knew he started shooting.”

Brandt was shot multiple times with a Nerf N-Strike Maverick, a semi-automatic weapon that can fire up to six Nerf Micro Darts. “He emptied the clip, so I thought that was that and I could get back to work, but then he reloaded and started blasting away again,” said Brandt. “I think he could tell I was starting to get angry, because suddenly he just left.”

Next, Tsadzpomsyck went to the front of the building, where he attacked Sandy Dawes, a receptionist. “I saw Z coming at me with the Nerf gun,” said Dawes, “and at first I didn’t think he was serious. I mean, it’s pretty juvenile. But then he started shooting.” Dawes tried to hide under the reception desk, but was still struck multiple times.

Tsadzpomsyck then proceeded to roam the building with a variety of Nerf weapons, shooting eight more employees seemingly at random. After running out of Nerf darts, Tsadzpomsyck fled the building, drove home, and barricaded himself inside his basement apartment at his mother’s house.

But apparently “Z” wasn’t finished yet. Later that afternoon, several workers were showered with Nerf balls when they opened a break room cabinet that had apparently been booby-trapped. And the Imsosoft Human Resources Director, Nancy Smoltz, was shot with a Nerf USB missile launcher controlled by Tsadzpomsyck via a remote desktop connection. “I stopped by Z’s cubicle to have a discussion about appropriate workplace conduct, when suddenly I was pelted with Nerf darts,” said Smoltz, who now plans to send Tsadzpomsyck a sternly-worded email message and CC his supervisor.

Authorities at Imsosoft believe that the stress of an upcoming code freeze may have led to the rampage. “Z’s got like thirty open bugs to clear by Friday,” said Doug Barnes, Imsosoft VP of Engineering, “so I know he’s stressed, but he needs to stop fooling around and just get them done.”

Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.

“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”

Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”

Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”

“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”

“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.

“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”

Rev. Al Sharpton today raised strong objections to the use of the term “Dark Matter” by astrophysicists.

At a rally in New York, Sharpton described the term as “insulting to African-Americans and people of color in general, and yet another glaring example of the deep racial divide that still exists in America today.”

“Okay, this is starting to get a little bit ridiculous,” said Dr. Kraig Nibson, chairman of the Astrophysics department at the University of Wynonna, when asked to comment. “We refer to it as Dark Matter because it does not emit light or any other type of radiation. Its presence can only be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter. We certainly didn’t mean to insult anyone.”

But Rev. Sharpton insisted that “they could have called it Invisible Matter or Unseen Matter. But no, they had to go with Dark Matter. Apparently it’s not enough to denigrate and disparage people of color here on Earth. Now you feel the need to project racism and intolerance to the very ends of the universe.”

“And don’t even get me started on Black Holes,” added Sharpton.

Seeking to cash in on the recent wave of colon cleansing products, Coca-Cola today announced the launch of a new soft drink, “Coca-Colon.”

The colon cleanser market has exploded in recent months, with a wide variety of products promising to flush toxin-filled fecal matter stuck inside the colon, thereby reducing bloating and constipation and improving overall health.

Asked how they intend to compete in an already bloated market, Coca-Colon spokesperson Wi Pu Long said, “Sure, there are a lot of colon cleansers already out there. But this is the first one to combine a powerful colon cleanser with the great taste of Coke.”

“We are flush with cash and will bring all of our resources to bear in dominating this market, ” said Long, discussing market projections. “We intend to be number one in ‘number two’.”

Coca-Colon advertising will feature reworked versions of previously successful ad campaigns, including:

• “You’ll Go Better with Coke.”
• “It’s the Real Gross Thing.”
• “Coke Is Sh_t!”

For the first time in the storied history of competitive eating, a competitive vomiting match will immediately follow a competitive eating competition.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said International Competitive Vomiting Association chairman Chuck Upvurd. “It certainly seems like a no-brainer. For years we’ve had premier competitive eaters stuffing themselves to the bursting point, only to purge themselves aimlessly after each competition.”

According to Upvurd, it will be a win-win situation for athletes in both sports. Competitive eaters will have the opportunity to try their hand at competitive vomiting, and competitive vomiters — who typically gorge themselves before each match — will now be able to cross-train for both sports and potentially earn even greater glory.

But not all competitive vomiters are happy with the new arrangement. Craig Hurlzalot, winner of last year’s competitive vomiting world championship in Sydney, Australia (“The Chunder Down Under”), complains that “top vomiters shouldn’t be required to prepare for a match with a gun to our heads. Many of us like to take our time to prepare for a match, sometimes gorging ourselves over a period of days. My concern is that combining the two competitions will reduce the overall quality of both sports.”

Despite Hurlzalot’s comments, Upvurd is proceeding with the combined competition. “I’m sure there were objections before the first triathlon, too,” says Upvurd, “but now look at how popular they are. I’m sure our athletes can adapt to the new format.”

The first “bihurlathon” will consist of a competitive consumption of chili dogs, burritos, and a variety of under-cooked “manager’s special” meats, served with warm cans of Old Milwaukee beer and pitchers of Kahlua Sombreros, followed immediately by competitive vomiting. Contestants will be judged based on volume, color, distance, and overall artistic impression.

A new study released today by the Council of Economic Advisers indicates the the recession has not been caused by the mortgage crisis or failed economic policies, but has instead been brought about by a series of television commercials featuring Paul Michael Glaser.

Paul Michael Glaser

“Eight credit cards. That’s the number of credit cards the average American has in their wallet. Eight different cards,” intones Glaser in one of the ads sponsored by Consolidated Credit. “It’s so easy to get into trouble with credit card debt.”

In another ad, the former Starsky and Hutch star appears on a treadmill and warns the viewer: “You’re stuck on a treadmill! You’re making minimum payments on your credit cards, and you just don’t get anywhere!”

“Our studies show that these advertisements have single-handedly destroyed the confidence of the American consumer,” said a CEA spokesman. “The entire American — indeed, global — economy hinges on consumer confidence, and a willingness to obtain and buy with credit. Thanks to Mr. Glaser, that confidence has been completely shattered.”

Random surveys of consumers would seem to support the CEA findings. “I was planning on upgrading to a big flat screen TV with a home theater set up,” said Craig Cronin, a Boston area software engineer with a good salary and no credit card debt, “but I kept seeing those ads with the Starsky and Hutch guy. I made fun of them at first, but I guess it got me thinking. So I decided to stick with my old TV.”

For those with more serious financial issues, the ads are particularly devastating. “I want to smash the TV every time that ad comes on,” exclaimed Doug Larson, an unemployed technical writer. “Thank God I’ve got the credit cards to begin with, so I can still buy groceries. I don’t need the extra guilt trip at this point. And was he Starsky or Hutch?”

In yet another unsettling sign of the current troubled economic climate, Mystery Inc. announced today that they have layed off Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and the anthropomorphic Great Dane “Scooby-Doo.”

Shaggy and Scooby

“These cuts are by no means easy,” said a Mystery, Inc. spokesman in a statement released earlier today, “but are necessary to ensure the continued viability of Mystery, Inc. Both Shaggy and Scooby were underperforming assets, and could no longer be supported given the current economic realities.”

Witnesses reported seeing Shaggy and Scooby escorted from the Mystery Machine by armed security guards.

While no specific reasons were cited for the layoff, sources indicated that it had become increasingly difficult to justify the massive outlay of funds for Scooby-Snacks, given the lack of return on investment.

Recent unconfirmed rumors have also suggested that Velma Dinkley’s duties may be outsourced to a research firm in Bangalore, India. For the time being, Velma’s status remains uncertain.

When reached for comment, Shaggy had this to say: “I am like, totally bummed, man! I like, can’t believe this! Like, what do you think, Scoob old buddy?”

“Raggy! Relp me!” replied Scooby-Doo, leaping into Shaggy’s outstretched arms. “Raaaaaaagy!”

A royal spokesman said today that Britain’s Prince Charles has had a large growth removed from his side.

A spokesman at Charles’ official residence, Clarence House, said that “late Thursday afternoon a team of surgeons removed a large growth from the Prince. The growth had been clinging tenaciously to Prince Charles’ side for many years.”

Apparently the growth was fairly benign at first, but had grown increasingly malignant in recent months, and had begun to take its toll on the Prince.

Doctors expect Prince Charles to make a full recovery. He is reported to be resting comfortably and reviewing personal ads at his country home in Highgrove.

What’s in a name? Plenty, especially if your name is Ann Chovie, May O’Nays, or Robyn Banks. Studies show that having a silly name can negatively affect your chances of getting a job, as well as your overall financial success and status.

A new employment study by the Bitter Business Bureau demonstrated that job applicants with “normal” names were 10,000% more likely to get a callback than those with silly names. A job applicant with a silly name — Terry Dactyl, Lou Briccant, or Lynn Guini, for example — found it much harder to even get an interview, let alone a job.

Ben Dover, an unemployed Technical Writer, has had many painful experiences with discrimination because of his name. “They never respond to my resumes, and then when I call they just laugh and hang up on me,” says Dover. “And it’s the same with my wife, Eileen.”

But people with silly names are fighting back. A group of activists, including Emma Roids, Beau Vine, Hugh deMann, Jim Nasium, and Dan Druff, have banded together to form SPAZ (Silly, Proud, and Zealous), an organization dedicated to fighting silly name discrimination. Joining them will be Ellie Vader, Al Luminum, Gene Poole, Ann Tartica, Helen Hywater, Archie Pelagos, Pete Zaria, and Herbie Hind.

Celebrities distributed throughout 11 states, including Jennifer Aniston and George Clooney, are being recalled because of possible E! coli contamination, federal officials say.

The U.S. Department of Celebriculture said today that so far no illnesses have been reported from celebrities such as Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. The agency was uncertain how many stars are being recalled, but it is believed that the recall includes Nicole Kidman, Harrison Ford, and John Travolta.

The recalled celebrities, such as Angelina Jolie and Paris Hilton, are usually marked with one or more tattoos, including tribal dragons, wings, butterflies, Hebrew and Sanskrit characters, flowers, names of family members, or Chinese symbols.

E! coli, a potentially deadly bacteria carried by celebrities like Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, and Kenny Chesney, can cause diarrhea, dehydration and kidney failure.

Experts recommend the following precautions to avoid E! coli:

1) People who must handle celebrities, such as agents, publicists, and massage therapists, should WASH THEIR HANDS thoroughly after using the bathroom or changing diapers.

2) WASH YOUR HANDS after contact with celebrities or their environments (award shows, movie premiers, spas, or television and movie sets).

3) Avoid raw celebrities, such as Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Madonna, and Dennis Rodman.

4) Decontaminate celebrities with hydrogen peroxide.

Seeking to reduce wear-and-tear on their 71-year-old presidential candidate, Republicans announced today that a layer of protective plastic has been applied to Senator John McCain.

In a statement released earlier today, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan said, “Senator McCain is in excellent health, and we expect him to remain in good health for many years to come.”

“Therefore,” said Duncan, “this should be viewed simply as a precautionary measure, like putting a tarp on an old jalopy, or applying museum wax to a piece of antique furniture…wait…”

The plastic coating applied to Senator McCain is a durable, semi-permeable polymer that is resistant to scuffs, scratches, ultraviolet radiation, and liberal Democrats.

When not actively campaigning, McCain will be stored in an airtight glass case with an atmosphere of 99.6% nitrogen. According to Duncan, “any environment over 99.5% nitrogen will kill any parasitic organisms clinging to Senator McCain, with the exception of right-wing Republicans and conservative Christians, which can only be eradicated with high doses of gamma irradiation.”

Today the Supreme Court of California overturned the ban on no-sex marriage. This made California the second state, behind Massachusetts, to allow full marriage rights for no-sex partners.

The state of California had already permitted “Domestic Partners Without Benefits” registration, a right similar to “Uncivil Unions” found in other states. This grants no-sex couples “all state-level rights and obligations of marriage  in areas such as inheritance, income tax, insurance and hospital visitation, and putting up with bad breath and snoring,” — but does not apply to “federal-level rights of marriage that cannot be granted by states, such as not listening and deliberately ignoring.”

In its 4-3 ruling, the Republican-dominated high court struck down state laws against no-sex marriage and said “nookie-free” domestic partnerships that provide many of the rights and benefits of matrimony are not enough.

“In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and to responsibly care for and raise children does not depend upon boinking, shagging, or otherwise doing the Horizontal Hula,” Chief Justice Ronald George wrote for the majority in ringing language that delighted no-sex rights activists.

Following the ruling, no-sex couples expressed both relief and ongoing frustration. “I’d love to have sex,” said “Julie,” an Alameda homemaker with four children under the age of six, “but it’s just not going to happen with us in the foreseeable future. If we’re lucky enough to even make it to our bed at the same time, we sleep.”