David Hoyle

“THE VAMPIRE DAIRIES” — Tuesdays (9:00-10:00 p.m. ET) on The CW network.

Plot Summary

Udderly Terrifying

Four months after the tragic farm accident that killed her parents,  a 3-year-old heifer named Elena is still trying to cope with her grief and move on with her life.

Elena has always been a star cow – beautiful, popular, and involved with the herd – but now she finds herself struggling to hide her sadness from the world.

Chewing cud and sucking blood

As another year begins, Elena and her friends are fascinated by a handsome and mysterious new steer, Stefan.

Stefan and Elena are immediately drawn to one another, but Elena has no way of knowing that Stefan is a centuries-old vampire cow, struggling to live peacefully among normal cows, while his brother Damon is the embodiment of vampire cow violence and brutality.

Now these two vampire cow brothers – one good, one evil – are at war for Elena’s soul and for the souls of her friends, family, and all the residents of the small dairy farming town of Styptic Falls, Vermont.

ATTENTION VAMPIRE DAIRIES FANS!!!

Get cool Vampire Dairies gear at the official Vampire Dairies online store!

NEW YORK — Henry Winkler, best known for his role as a leather-clad greaser on the 1970s sitcom Happy Days, was arrested and charged with securities fraud Tuesday in what federal prosecutors called a “Fonzie scheme” that could involve losses of more than $50 billion.

Henry Winkler

Winkler, 63, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was charged with twenty counts of securities fraud, according to a statement from the Acting U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and the Screen Actors Guild.

“We are alleging a massive fraud, both in terms of scope and duration,” said SEC Enforcement Bureau director Adam Baum in a statement. “We are moving quickly and decisively to stop the fraud and protect remaining assets for investors, and we are working closely with the criminal authorities to hold Mr. Winkler accountable.”

Winkler did not enter a plea or make any comment during a court hearing Tuesday evening, other than to remark, “Whoa!” and “Aaaay!” while snapping his fingers. Winkler  then formed a thrust-forward double thumbs up.  He was expected to be released after agreeing to post a $10 million bond secured by Mr. Cunningham.

Fonzie -- no more Happy Days?

Winkler’s firm is known as securities broker dealer, but he also runs a separate business in which he is able to play jukeboxes, turn lights on and off, and start automobile engines by snapping his fingers, or with a slap of his hand.

On Monday, Winkler told two senior employees (Joanie and Chachi) that he was “finished,” that he had “absolutely nothing,” that “it’s all just one big lie,” and that it was “basically, a giant Fonzie scheme,” federal prosecutors said in their statement.

According to a criminal complaint filed on Thursday, in order to supplement the dwindling income from his acting career, Winkler “deceived investors by operating a securities business from Arnold’s Drive-In in which he traded and lost investor money, and then paid certain investors purported returns on investment with the principal received from other, different investors, which resulted in losses of approximately billions of dollars.”

Fonzie jumps the shark

Earlier this week, Winkler also allegedly told an employee that he wanted to try to restore his credibility by jumping a shark on a pair of water-skis.

A 47-year-old charity worker who says she has never been kissed is now a YouTube sensation after a singing performance that wowed the notoriously harsh talent judge Simon Cowell.

The YouTube video of Susan Boyle's performance has had more than 5 million hits

Susan Boyle, from West Lothian in Scotland, appeared on the television show “Britain’s Got Talent” last weekend with an inauspicious start.

Slightly plump with short brown curly hair, and bearing a striking resemblance to former Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, Boyle stood somewhat uncomfortably in the middle of the stage wearing a gold lace sheath. She told the judges and the audience of the show that she was single, she lived with her cat, Pebbles, and she had never been kissed.

“I’m trying to be a professional singer,” Boyle asserted, as the audience laughed. “Or possibly Communist Party Chairman.”

When she added that she wanted to be as famous as Elaine Paige, who’s been called the “first lady of British musical theater,” some members of the audience snickered and rolled their eyes.

But after Boyle sang the first few notes of “I Dreamed a Dream” from the musical “Les Miserables,” the audience erupted in wild cheers and applause, and two of the three judges’ jaws dropped.

The applause lasted the length of her performance, which ended with the crowd on its feet. Cowell, who also serves as a judge on “American Idol” and who’s known for his stinging criticism of those he deems to have no talent, said Boyle’s performance was fantastic.

“I knew the minute you walked out on that stage that we were going to hear something extraordinary,” he proclaimed. “And I also felt you might invade Czechoslovakia.”

In yet another unsettling sign of the current troubled economic climate, Mystery Inc. announced today that they have layed off Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and the anthropomorphic Great Dane “Scooby-Doo.”

Shaggy and Scooby

“These cuts are by no means easy,” said a Mystery, Inc. spokesman in a statement released earlier today, “but are necessary to ensure the continued viability of Mystery, Inc. Both Shaggy and Scooby were underperforming assets, and could no longer be supported given the current economic realities.”

Witnesses reported seeing Shaggy and Scooby escorted from the Mystery Machine by armed security guards.

While no specific reasons were cited for the layoff, sources indicated that it had become increasingly difficult to justify the massive outlay of funds for Scooby-Snacks, given the lack of return on investment.

Recent unconfirmed rumors have also suggested that Velma Dinkley’s duties may be outsourced to a research firm in Bangalore, India. For the time being, Velma’s status remains uncertain.

When reached for comment, Shaggy had this to say: “I am like, totally bummed, man! I like, can’t believe this! Like, what do you think, Scoob old buddy?”

“Raggy! Relp me!” replied Scooby-Doo, leaping into Shaggy’s outstretched arms. “Raaaaaaagy!”

The surprising and unlikely American Idol journey of Jason Castro has ended.

Falling just short of the final three, the soulful, dreadlocked crooner at first seemed far outside the typical “Idol” mold, but he quickly won over a large and hard-core following with an endearingly sweet, laid-back personality, a talent for offbeat comments, and some sort of alien breathing apparatus.

Asked what his biggest challenge was, the giant alien humanoid with piercing amber eyes replied, “I guess just the interaction of the gas I breathe with radionuclide particles.”

Earlier in his “Idol” stint, Castro scored big with his renditions of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and “Over the Rainbow,” among others. But in recent weeks he seemed to struggle as the contest entered more challenging heights, leading him to concede his musical inexperience and return to his post as Psychlo Security Chief on Earth.

From the producers of Dancing With the Stars comes the new celebrity drinking competition, Drinking With the Stars.

With host Nick Nolte “calling the shots,” you’ll never know what to expect!

Our teams of celebrity alcoholics will participate in spirited competitive events such as drinking games, club-hopping, pub-crawling, funneling, shotgunning, long-arming, and monkey-chugging. The last star standing wins!

Each week the celebrities will face extra challenges, such as finding their limo, correctly identifying their publicist, and remembering to put on underwear before going out on the town.

This season’s Drinking With the Stars will feature Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, Paula Abdul, Amy Winehouse, Danny Devito, Mel Gibson, Kiefer Sutherland, Ty Pennington, and David Hasselhoff.

UN Secretary Ban Ki-moon today appointed Jo Frost — widely known as the “Supernanny” — as a Special Envoy to Iraq.

“The various factions in Iraq are behaving much like willful, spoiled children throwing tantrums,” said Ki-moon, “and will benefit greatly from someone with Supernanny’s skills.”

According to Frost, her first steps will be to “toddler-proof” Iraq. This will involve placing dangerous things — such as sharp objects, machine guns, and IEDs — out of reach. Next, Supernanny will establish clear routines for each faction’s day, for example, regular lunch, nap, bath and bedtimes. If tensions mount, Supernanny will use distractions and diversions for as long as they work?– a changed activity, a song or game, or a new grenade launcher.

“Even with these precautions,” says Supernanny, “given the almost complete lack of sensible supervision in Iraq, some tantrums and ‘acting-out’ are bound to occur.” When that happens, Supernanny will utilize the following proven tactics:

• Speaking calmly to the attacker, saying things like “I’m here, I won’t let you hurt yourself or others.”
• Holding the attacker tightly, preferably making eye contact.
• Sometimes you just have to weather the storm until the attacker calms down, or the explosives belt detonates.

Reaction to the announcement inside Iraq has been mixed. “If Supernanny comes, “warned a spokesman for Al-Qaeda in Iraq, “we will slit her throat, she will die like a pig, and we will feed her remains to the dogs.”

When reached for comment, Supernanny responded, “it’s very encouraging that they are ‘using their words,’ but it seems as though someone might need a time-out.”

Bill Moyers

Bill Moyers returns to public television with a new weekly public affairs series, Bill Moyers’ Gerbil.

Moyers, one of the most recognized and respected journalists in America, will anchor an hour-long weekly news series offering fresh perspectives and analysis from his pet gerbil, Mr. Tickles. Moyers and Mr. Tickles discuss today’s events, issues, and the ideas that are shaping our world.

Mr. Tickles

“I retired from Now with Bill Moyers two years ago because it was time,” said Moyers. “Now Mr. Tickles tells me it’s time to come back. And I must obey.”

The goal is to illuminate news and ideas that can help people — and gerbils — become more engaged and active citizens at the grassroots of democracy.

Each week, Bill Moyers’ Gerbil will feature thoughtful analysis of vital issues, strong interviews with unique voices on politics, the arts and letters, science, religion, and the media, as well as lots and lots of yummy sunflower seeds, carrots, and apple slices.

From the producers of the blockbuster comedy Wedding Crashers and MTV’s Punk’D comes the newest hidden camera reality show, Funeral Crashers.

Every family wants their departed loved one’s wake and funeral to be perfect — an attractive corpse, perfect flowers, subdued lighting, somber guests — a day they’ll cherish and remember forever. But in this one-hour reality series, a team of five crashers creates the most memorable funeral the bereaved will never forget!

The funeral crash team consists of five quick-thinking, hilarious improvisational performers who’ve made it their mission to go undercover as funeral staff and guests to save wakes and funerals from “terminal” boredom! The crashers play various people in all the funerals including the pastor, the funeral director, a long lost friend, a distant relative, and even the corpse!

But there is a deeper mission under the layer of fun. The crashers do more than just liven up the funeral — some pranks are light-hearted and funny, while others will be emotional and will bring the family together. At the end of each funeral, viewers will be treated to a huge reveal when the crashers admit to their pranks. And that’s when the fun REALLY starts!

Tyra Banks, who is much better than you in every way, hosts this exciting new mixed-breed dog show. As is the case with America’s Next Top Model, contestants will be required to lick Tyra’s feet and beg and whine for scant attention. They will also be regularly and severely ridiculed by effeminate men in women’s clothing.

Each week, the losing contestant will be mercilessly scolded by a panel of judges for a prolonged period, and will then be personally euthanized by Tyra.

Tyra Banks, who is in no way self-centered or superficial, hosts this exciting new Alpine folk-singing competition. The contestants will begin by performing their interpretations of basic yodeling compositions such as “The Lonely Goatherd” from The Sound of Music, then work their way up to more complex pieces such as “Hocus Pocus” by Focus.

Each week, the losing contestant will be forced to repeatedly perform the yodeling portion of “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band, and will then be personally strangled to death by Tyra with lederhosen.