David Hoyle

WASHINGTON, DC — Researchers at the Washington Hearing Affliction Testing (WHAT) center today announced that a new hearing disorder, “palinitus,” has been named after conservative political figure Sarah Palin.

Politician and affliction

More than 50 million Americans are now believed to suffer from palinitus, which is somewhat similar to tinnitus, but is generally much more severe.  Palinitus may be an intermittent sound or an annoying continuous sound in one or both ears. Its pitch can go from a low roar to a high squeal or whine.

What Causes Palinitus?

Please...make it stop...

Most palinitus comes from damage to the microscopic endings of the hearing nerve in the inner ear, and is caused by repeated exposure to the loud, desperate bleatings of failed political candidates. The health of these nerve endings is important for acute hearing, and injury to them brings on hearing loss and often palinitus.

Where's the Off button on this thing?

If you are a conservative who frequently watches Fox news or television coverage of Tea Party conventions, you will likely suffer a certain amount of hearing nerve impairment and palinitus. Even for moderates and liberals, exposure to loud political noise is probably the leading cause of palinitus, and often damages hearing and destroys brain cells.

How is Palinitus Treated?

At least for now, there appears to be no cure for palinitus. It may simply go away on its own, or it may be a permanent disability that palinitus sufferers will have to “live with.” Doctors recommend the following measures to reduce the intensity of palinitus:

• Avoid watching television, or at least Fox news.
• Utilize masking noise. Palinitus is usually more bothersome when the surroundings are quiet, especially when you are in bed. A competing sound such as a ticking clock, a radio, or a Tea Party convention attended by loud, raving lunatics may help mask palinitus.
• Wear ear plugs, earmuffs, or silly colonial wigs to help reduce noise.

"I'm completely insane!"

WASHINGTON — President Obama said Friday he was “most surprised and deeply humbled” to win the 2009 Dancing With the Stars televised dance competition, adding that he accepts the honor as “a call to action to confront the dance challenges of the 21st century.”

If you work hard, you can win a Nobel Prize. Or maybe they'll just give you one.

In a brief statement in the White House Rose Garden on Friday, the president said he does not “view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, since I did not actually perform a dance routine,” but rather as a recognition of ballroom dance goals he has set for the United States and the world.

Coming on the heels of the president’s somewhat dubious Nobel Peace Prize, the decision appeared to catch most observers by surprise.

“I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many transformative figures that have been honored by this prize,” he said, “and those who competed but were not ultimately successful, such as Tom Delay, who was forced to leave the show last week after dancing the samba with stress fractures in both feet.”

Obama will travel to Television City in Los Angeles, California in December to accept the honor, which includes a mirror ball trophy, the White House said.

The Dancing With the Stars panel of judges said its decision to honor the president was motivated by a combination of boredom and delusional hero worship. “We were just tired of watching bad ballroom dancing week in and week out,” said judge Carrie Ann Inaba, “and Obama is one cute cowboy! Plus, our last names sort of rhyme!”

The White House also reported that President Obama has also won American Idol, first place in a giant pumpkin contest at a state fair, and first prize and “Miss Congeniality” in a Junior Miss pageant in Lubbock, Texas.

Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice

WASHINGTON — Top Bush administration officials gave the CIA approval to use wakeboarding, a controversial interrogation technique, as early as 2002, a Senate intelligence report shows.

On July 17, 2002, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, who later became secretary of state, said the CIA could proceed with “alternative interrogation methods,” including wakeboarding, when questioning  suspected al Qaeda terrorist detainees.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Wakeboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which a detainee’s feet are attached to a small wooden or fiberglass board. The detainee is then towed at a high rate of speed behind a small boat with a powerful inboard or outboard engine.

The wakeboarder is forced to stay upright on the board for prolonged periods to avoid “wiping out” and experiencing temporary simulated drowning.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is Wakeboarded

The controversial technique was used in Guantanamo Bay at least 83 times in August 2002 on suspected al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah, according to the report.

Interrogators also wakeboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in March 2003. Mohammed is believed to be the mastermind behind the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States.

Interrogators had already extracted the majority of actionable intelligence from Mohammed after the first 83 wakeboardings, but apparently Mohammed had developed a “sick” half-tuck somersault flip with “serious hang time,” so the interrogators decided to just continue to let Mohammed “shred it out to the max.”

The American Civil Liberties Union and international human rights activists are appalled at the disclosures.

“It was bad enough that wakeboarding was used to begin with,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Ann Tagonistic, “but the addition of a series of floating ramps to encourage freestyle jumps was simply unconscionable.”

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed airs it out in Guantanamo Bay

“These men are more suited to the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan than the waters of the Caribbean,” said Tagonistic. “Strapping their feet to a board and towing them behind a speedboat certainly constitutes a radical departure from humane interrogation techniques. They experienced forced inhalation of exhaust fumes, repeated violent immersion, and they were exposed to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation.  And they also got water up their noses.”

Wielding powerful endoscopic suction devices, doctors today removed several liters of toxic bile from former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Cheney has recently been spewing toxic bile uncontrollably on almost a daily basis, spraying both Democrats and Republicans with bitter acidic fluids from deep within his gut.

Humans normally produce 400-800 ml of bile each day to aid in fat absorption and digestion. But apparently  Cheney suffers from “Unmitigated Gall Bladder,” a condition in which the liver and gall bladder produce several liters of thick, viscous black bile each day.

This hyper-production of bile leads to a reflux of copious volumes of toxic fluids through the bile ducts and into the stomach and esophagus,  resulting in a huge pressure dome of noxious bile that eventually spews forth volcanically and indiscriminately.

Complicating matters, the former Vice President has recently suffered from a chronically enlarged spleen. Surgeons implanted a series of filtered stents, which helped relieve pressure, but the procedure also resulted in the unwanted side-effect of Cheney venting his spleen regularly and voluminously.

“As a result,” said Dr. Chip Zansalsa, Chairman of the Gastrobiology and Digestion Clinic at the University of Wynonna, “Cheney was unrelentingly and indiscriminately spewing forth huge amounts of virulent bile on a daily basis on both friend and foe alike. If you have these types of symptoms — randomly spewing bile, delusional thinking, lashing out indiscriminately — please see your doctor.”

Dr. Zansalsa went on to point out the recent case involving radio personality Rush Limbaugh, who was widely considered to be psychotic until a routine medical examination revealed a large crustacean lodged in his rectum.

“Following a prolonged series of surgeries, Rush is now doing fine,” said Zansalsa. “He’s as gentle as a kitten.”

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that same-sect marriage is now legal in California.

In past statements,  Schwarzenegger has said he personally believes marriage should be between two people “regardless of their religious affiliation, as long as they’re not gay or anything,” and has rejected legislation authorizing same-sect marriage. Yet he has also said he would not care if same-sect marriage were legally mandated, saying he believed that such an important societal issue should be determined by the voters or the courts.

“I think a Catholic should be able to marry a Catholic, a Jew should be able to marry a Jew, and a Mormon should be able to marry one or more Mormons,” said Schwarzenegger. “You start mixing things up, maybe it’s not so good. It can certainly make things more complicated with holidays. And it can make it a lot more difficult to deal with the in-laws.”

“It’s the most difficult decision I’ve made in my entire life, except the one I made in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax,” concluded Schwarzenegger.^*

But when reached for comment, California Supreme Court Chief Justice Ronald M. George pointed out that “as far as I know, so-called ‘same-sect’ unions, or marriages between two people of the same religion, have been always been allowed in California, as have interfaith marriages. So I’m not sure what the Governor’s point is. But as long as you’re not gay, you’re good to go.”

* Actual quote.

In a continued attempt to reduce widespread fears about the economy and give his programs time to work, President Barack Obama today again reminded Americans to count their blessings.

“Things could be worse,” said President Obama. “A lot worse. This may be the worst recession since the Great Depression, but at least it’s not a depression yet. There have been no runs on banks. No one is jumping out of windows on Wall Street. Well, okay, a few people killed themselves after that Bernie Madoff thing, but still…”

The President recently seems to be employing  the psychological tactic of Defensive Pessimism, or “The Power of Negative Thinking.”  “There can be an adaptive benefit to thinking through worse-case scenarios,” said Hugh Downer, Ph.D., author of Embrace the Pain. “Negative thinking can sometimes be an effective strategy for managing anxiety.  Indulging in negative thoughts can help people do their best by preparing for the worst.”

Obama went on to point out that, “Maybe you’ve lost your job. Maybe you’ve lost your house. Maybe you’re living in a homeless shelter, or in your car, or under a bridge. But at least you don’t have cancer.”

“Or maybe you have cancer, but your chances for survival are pretty good, say better than 50-50,” said the President, “and you’re not coughing up blood yet. And you still have control of your bowels.”

“Or maybe you are completely incontinent and coughing up buckets of blood,” continued Obama, “but at least you’re not dead yet. Oh, you may long for death and release from the indescribable pain you are in…but at least you are not dead yet.”

“Or maybe you are dead,” concluded Obama. “But I think most of us believe that we go to a better place when we die, so even then you’d be in pretty good shape. So, even worse-case scenario, no need to panic. Everything is going to be okay.”

In an effort to improve its battered image with an outraged American public, the embattled AIG (American International Group) today announced that it is changing its name to “Consolidated Investment Associates,” or CIA.

Acknowledging that the acronym is already widely used to refer to the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency, Edward Liddy, the CEO of the former AIG, admitted that “This was in fact a deliberate public relations maneuver. Congress regularly gives billions of dollars to the CIA without yelling at anyone, or even asking questions about where the money is going, so that sounded pretty darned good to us at this point.”

The new company name was conceived by the Makeoffsky Group, a New York public relations firm that reportedly received in the neighborhood of $165 million of American taxpayers’ money to develop the new corporate identity. Other possible new names that were considered for the former AIG were said to include:

• Make-A-Wish
• The Girl Scouts of America
• Childhood Leukemia Foundation
• Christian Children’s Fund
• Paralyzed Veterans of America
• Feed the Children
• Habitat for Humanity
• The American Cancer Society
• The Roman Catholic Church

Attempting to deflect some of the deluge of negativity that has marked the first weeks of his presidency, President Barack Obama today employed a metaphor from a recent tragic news story to urge Americans to keep things in perpective.

“We all need to stop complaining and count our blessings,” said President Obama. “I mean, let’s get a grip, people. It’s not like a monkey is chewing your face off. Worse things could be happening to you.”

Physicians at the Cleveland Clinic who are treating the chimp attack victim were taken aback by the President’s remarks. “Having your face chewed off by a chimpanzee is no laughing matter,” said Dr. Mia Fasehertz. “The victim faces a long, difficult recovery, including a possible face transplant. Maybe if it was the President’s face that was chewed off, he wouldn’t think it was so funny.”

Obama went on to point out that, “There has not been a nuclear holocaust. Robots have not risen up and enslaved humans. A giant asteroid is not on a collision course with Earth, and we have not had to send Bruce Willis and a team of lovable roughnecks to destroy it.”

“Aliens in massive spaceships have not attacked the Earth and destroyed the White House with death beams,” continued the President, “and Will Smith has not had to commandeer an alien fighter and destroy the mother-ship.”

“My plane has not crashed in Manhattan, which has not yet been converted to a giant maximum security prison, and Kurt Russell has not had to don an eye patch and come rescue me,” said Obama.

“We can enjoy a chinese meal without alien creatures bursting forth from our chests and splattering the walls of our deep space mining ship with gore,” concluded Obama. “We will escape the alien even after it has grown into a ten-foot-tall monster, and we will make it to the escape craft, where we will be warmly greeted by an affectionate cat and Sigourney Weaver in her underwear.”

Seeking to reduce wear-and-tear on their 71-year-old presidential candidate, Republicans announced today that a layer of protective plastic has been applied to Senator John McCain.

In a statement released earlier today, Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan said, “Senator McCain is in excellent health, and we expect him to remain in good health for many years to come.”

“Therefore,” said Duncan, “this should be viewed simply as a precautionary measure, like putting a tarp on an old jalopy, or applying museum wax to a piece of antique furniture…wait…”

The plastic coating applied to Senator McCain is a durable, semi-permeable polymer that is resistant to scuffs, scratches, ultraviolet radiation, and liberal Democrats.

When not actively campaigning, McCain will be stored in an airtight glass case with an atmosphere of 99.6% nitrogen. According to Duncan, “any environment over 99.5% nitrogen will kill any parasitic organisms clinging to Senator McCain, with the exception of right-wing Republicans and conservative Christians, which can only be eradicated with high doses of gamma irradiation.”

Today the Supreme Court of California overturned the ban on no-sex marriage. This made California the second state, behind Massachusetts, to allow full marriage rights for no-sex partners.

The state of California had already permitted “Domestic Partners Without Benefits” registration, a right similar to “Uncivil Unions” found in other states. This grants no-sex couples “all state-level rights and obligations of marriage  in areas such as inheritance, income tax, insurance and hospital visitation, and putting up with bad breath and snoring,” — but does not apply to “federal-level rights of marriage that cannot be granted by states, such as not listening and deliberately ignoring.”

In its 4-3 ruling, the Republican-dominated high court struck down state laws against no-sex marriage and said “nookie-free” domestic partnerships that provide many of the rights and benefits of matrimony are not enough.

“In contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and to responsibly care for and raise children does not depend upon boinking, shagging, or otherwise doing the Horizontal Hula,” Chief Justice Ronald George wrote for the majority in ringing language that delighted no-sex rights activists.

Following the ruling, no-sex couples expressed both relief and ongoing frustration. “I’d love to have sex,” said “Julie,” an Alameda homemaker with four children under the age of six, “but it’s just not going to happen with us in the foreseeable future. If we’re lucky enough to even make it to our bed at the same time, we sleep.”

Al Gore, widely recognized as an authority on Global Boring — raising the boredom level of the entire planet — today announced the release of a new documentary, An Incessant Truth.

With the fate of his speaking career arguably hanging in the balance, An Incessant Truth may prove to be one of the most important and prescient documentaries in the history of Al Gore.

As he jokingly refers to himself,  former President-elect  Al Gore felt an urgent personal calling to draw attention — as he had been doing throughout his political career — to himself.

In the first two hours of the 12-hour documentary, Gore drones on about politics, climate change, the global economy, the mainstream media, ethical forthrightness, education, health care, the Internet, online organizing, his childhood, his family, his coin collection, his favorite foods, what he likes to watch on television, how he organizes his sock drawer, and God only knows what else. Thus far, no reviewer has been able to remain conscious to see the remainder of the film.

Gore’s previous film, An Assault on Consciousness, won an Oscar for “Least Animated Actor in a Documentary Feature.”

Speaking outside in Wilmington, N.C. yesterday, a desperate Senator Hillary Clinton reissued her challenge to Senator Barack Obama, her rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, to join her in a debate. And she wants it so badly, she’s even willing to “do it on the back of a flat bed truck.”

Referring to the debate, Clinton said, “…I think, you know, we could even do it on the back of a flatbed truck, doesn’t even have to be in a fancy studio somewhere…”

“Or we could do it in the road,” continued Clinton. “Why don’t we do it in the road? No one will be watching us…why don’t we do it in the road?”

A visibly drained Barack Obama responded to Clinton’s comments at a press conference in Indiana earlier today when he said, “I’ve engaged in this form of political intercourse with Senator Clinton many times over the past few weeks. We’ve shown the voters many different positions, and I think each of us gave as good as we got. But I think at this point enough is enough.”

Hillary Clinton today stepped up the war of words on the issue of guns, maintaining that Senator Barack Obama suffers from “Projectile Dysfunction.”

Clinton recently touted her experience with guns as a young child.

“Senator Obama is definitely shooting blanks on this issue,” said Clinton. “You know, until you’ve held a rifle in your hands, raised the long, hard barrel, and blasted away at the target, you don’t really have a right to speak out on this issue.”

A visibly agitated Obama maintained that he has tried several times recently to get to a firing range, but “it just hasn’t worked out. It’s not like I can’t do it, because of course I can, whenever I want, without restriction. Many times I’ve been campaigning all day, and I’m just too tired. Or I’m just not in the mood…”

During a break from knocking back shots of Crown Royal whisky, Clinton characterized Obama’s response as, “unproductive…unfruitful…just more of the sort of limp, flaccid remarks that reflect Senator Obama’s complete impotence on this issue.”

“They’re both lightweights,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, weighing in on the issue. “Until you’ve actually shot another human being, you’re a total rookie.”