David Hoyle

Al Gore, widely recognized as an authority on Global Boring — raising the boredom level of the entire planet — today announced the release of a new documentary, An Incessant Truth.

With the fate of his speaking career arguably hanging in the balance, An Incessant Truth may prove to be one of the most important and prescient documentaries in the history of Al Gore.

As he jokingly refers to himself,  former President-elect  Al Gore felt an urgent personal calling to draw attention — as he had been doing throughout his political career — to himself.

In the first two hours of the 12-hour documentary, Gore drones on about politics, climate change, the global economy, the mainstream media, ethical forthrightness, education, health care, the Internet, online organizing, his childhood, his family, his coin collection, his favorite foods, what he likes to watch on television, how he organizes his sock drawer, and God only knows what else. Thus far, no reviewer has been able to remain conscious to see the remainder of the film.

Gore’s previous film, An Assault on Consciousness, won an Oscar for “Least Animated Actor in a Documentary Feature.”

Speaking outside in Wilmington, N.C. yesterday, a desperate Senator Hillary Clinton reissued her challenge to Senator Barack Obama, her rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, to join her in a debate. And she wants it so badly, she’s even willing to “do it on the back of a flat bed truck.”

Referring to the debate, Clinton said, “…I think, you know, we could even do it on the back of a flatbed truck, doesn’t even have to be in a fancy studio somewhere…”

“Or we could do it in the road,” continued Clinton. “Why don’t we do it in the road? No one will be watching us…why don’t we do it in the road?”

A visibly drained Barack Obama responded to Clinton’s comments at a press conference in Indiana earlier today when he said, “I’ve engaged in this form of political intercourse with Senator Clinton many times over the past few weeks. We’ve shown the voters many different positions, and I think each of us gave as good as we got. But I think at this point enough is enough.”

Hillary Clinton today stepped up the war of words on the issue of guns, maintaining that Senator Barack Obama suffers from “Projectile Dysfunction.”

Clinton recently touted her experience with guns as a young child.

“Senator Obama is definitely shooting blanks on this issue,” said Clinton. “You know, until you’ve held a rifle in your hands, raised the long, hard barrel, and blasted away at the target, you don’t really have a right to speak out on this issue.”

A visibly agitated Obama maintained that he has tried several times recently to get to a firing range, but “it just hasn’t worked out. It’s not like I can’t do it, because of course I can, whenever I want, without restriction. Many times I’ve been campaigning all day, and I’m just too tired. Or I’m just not in the mood…”

During a break from knocking back shots of Crown Royal whisky, Clinton characterized Obama’s response as, “unproductive…unfruitful…just more of the sort of limp, flaccid remarks that reflect Senator Obama’s complete impotence on this issue.”

“They’re both lightweights,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, weighing in on the issue. “Until you’ve actually shot another human being, you’re a total rookie.”