David Hoyle

With apologies to The Tubes…

Steam Punks on Dope

Steam punk had to race for the old times
Spent my cash on every piston I could find
Wasted time in every blimp that held air
Wearing goggles I don’t need, but I don’t care

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
Can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

Other dudes are living in the ghetto
But Victorian England seems much betto

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
I can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

I go crazy ’cause my folks are so freaking rich
Have to pose when I get that rich steam punk itch
Sounds real classy, living in a tableau
So lonely, all the other kids will never know

We’re steam punks on dope
Mom & Dad left their credit cards
Max them out buying costumes and scopes
Can’t get real, though I know I should
Steam punks on dope
Steam punks on dope

With apologies to Mumford & Sons…

Little Lying Man

Weep for yourself, my man,
Those chili dogs will burn you at the heart
Weep little lying man,
You’ll never be accepted if you fart
Smell yourself and rate yourself,
Take all the GasEx you have left
Waste it all on fixing up the problems
That you made while you fed

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?

Tremble for yourself, my man,
You know that you have smelled this all before
Tremble little lying man,
You always smell just like a wild boar
Your waste is graceless in my face,
Your bold smell makes my eyes burn like heck
Now learn from your proctologist
Or else spend your days making folks say, “Blech!”

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?

Well, it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear?

But it was not your fart, but mine
And it was my fart all the time
I nearly shit myself this time
Didn’t I, my dear? Didn’t I, my dear?

With apologies to Eminem, Rihanna, and dermatologists everywhere.

Love To Lie Outside

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 1 - Eminem]
I can’t tell you what the Sun really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there’s radiation from the sunlight
I can’t breathe but I still fight because it’s too bright
As long as tanning feels right it’s like I’m in a fight

High off of love, drunk from sunscreen
It’s like I’m huffin’ SPF 50 spray and I love her
The more I spray on, I suffocate
Right before she’s about to brown, she irradiates
Sunscreen, she friggin’ hates it and I love it, Wait!
Where you going? I’m laying out.
No you ain’t. Come back. I’m putting sunblock on your back.

Here we go again, it’s so insane
‘Cause with skin cancer, the risk is great
I’m Superman with sunscreen in his pack
She’s Lois Lane, but she burns so easy, it’s awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, “Please wear a hat!”
I know it must sound lame
I laid hands on her, I’ll never apply lotion so low again
I guess I don’t know about SPF strength

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 2 - Eminem]
You ever love somebody so pale,
you could barely see ’cause they glowin’?
They burn, so bad they don’t even know what hit ‘em
Got that sick hot feeling, yeah, them chills, get used to ‘em
Now you gettin’ friggin’ sick of the peelin’ skin
You swore you’d never hug ‘em, never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re workin’ on her rubbin’ Noxzema on the burns when you treat em’
You peel, peel off the dead skin, it’s so disgustin’
Throw skin down, coat the floor, so now I have to vacuum

It’s the rays that took over, they control you both
So they say, you’re best to go out on cloudy days
Guess that they don’t know you ’cause today,
That was yesterday, yesterday was cloudy, it’s a sunny day
Seems like melanoma’s getting closer
But you promised her, next time you wouldn’t nag
Sneaking sunblock in her bag
Life is no day at the beach, but you lost again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Without applying any sunscreen

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

[Verse 3 - Eminem]
Now I know I said things, did things that might seem mean
Because I think you should but you won’t, apply sunscreen
But your skin is just as pale as mine is
You’re as white as me
When it comes to tanning you’re just so blinded

Baby, please cover your back, it wasn’t you, Baby, it was UVs.
Maybe sunscreen isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when there’s a hole in the ozone
All I know is I love you too much to watch you burn so
Come inside, pick up your beachbag off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear skin care in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is your skin, look I hate to heckle
Next time you burn, you’ll get some extra freckles
Next time? There won’t be no next time
You moisturize, even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games, I just want her covered with sun protection factor
If she ever tries to friggin’ tan again,
I’ma tie her to the chaise lounge and set her outside all afternoon
I’m just gonna

[Chorus - Rihanna]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that’s alright because I like to get sunburned
Just gonna stand there and watch me fry
Well that’s alright because I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside
I love to lie outside

With apologies to Beyonce Knowles…

Stinky Ladies (Put Febreze On It)

All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies

Now put your hands up
Stink up the club, we just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Di’int like the smell and now you wanna yell
Cause another brother caught a whiff of me

I’m up on him, he can’t smell me
Cause his nose don’t really function
Just cried my tears, for three good years
Ya di’int like the smell of me

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be crazy no I won’t put Febreze on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
And I’m not gonna put Summer’s Eve on it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it

I got my last wish, a man who likes fish
Got me low tide in my Dereon jeans
Smellin’ so harsh, just like a salt marsh
I can care less that I stink

You were so mean, said I was unclean
Don’t go dissin’ my personal hygiene
Cause you had your chance to get in my pants
But you compared it to really old sushi

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Don’t be mad once you see that he don’t vomit
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

Don’t treat me like I’m a bad girl
If I smell like a dead squirrel
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here’s a man that smells me then tells me
I love the skanky beauty, of your pungent booty
Pull me into your arms, make my odor your own
If you don’t, then I’ll be gone
But my smell will linger on

All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies, all the stinky ladies
All the stinky ladies
Now put your hands up, oh, oh, oh

Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Maybe I should try and put some Massengill in it
But if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh

If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
If you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
I think your gonna have to learn how to live with it
Cause if you like it then you shouldn’t mind the smell of it
Oh, oh, oh