David Hoyle

(CNN) — Golfer Tiger Woods apologized Wednesday for “using his club” improperly to score a “hole in one” that let his family down — the same day a gossip magazine published a report alleging he had an affair.

Get. It. In. The. Hole.

In an attempt to address the allegations while still preserving his privacy, the golfer chose to employ a series of golf-themed euphemisms rather than discuss specific details of sexual impropriety.

“I have used my club improperly, and I regret that with all of my heart. I am totally in the rough on this issue. There has been too much wild swinging, and too many reckless strokes of the shaft, with balls flying everywhere. Somehow I was swallowed by the long grass, and I came out of the rough hot and heavy.  So now it’s time for me to put my club away and walk away from the hole,” he said in a statement on his official Web site.

Woods did not admit to an affair and offered no details about the “hole in one” in his statement, but he did seem to allude to the possibility of more than one affair, saying “Actually, it’s more like hole in ones. Or holes in one. Or hole in more than one. Let’s just say there were several holes.”

“I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. But the head on my driver is enormous, and I couldn’t resist using my long iron to drive to the hole.  Mostly I would stick it close and finish up, but sometimes I would play it from behind the hole and back it up. Sometimes I would bone it, and other times I would hit a screamer. I think there were even a couple of rim jobs…where I just lipped it out…”

Woods went on to maintain that his recent actions are largely a product of his environment. “All day long, day in and day out, all I hear is, ‘Put it in the hole Tiger! Come on Tiger, put it in the hole! Get it in the hole, Tiger! Just put it in the hole! GET IT IN THERE! IN THE HOLE!’ I mean, just what the heck do you expect?”

Dick Cheney and Condoleezza Rice

WASHINGTON — Top Bush administration officials gave the CIA approval to use wakeboarding, a controversial interrogation technique, as early as 2002, a Senate intelligence report shows.

On July 17, 2002, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, who later became secretary of state, said the CIA could proceed with “alternative interrogation methods,” including wakeboarding, when questioning  suspected al Qaeda terrorist detainees.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Wakeboarding is a controversial interrogation technique in which a detainee’s feet are attached to a small wooden or fiberglass board. The detainee is then towed at a high rate of speed behind a small boat with a powerful inboard or outboard engine.

The wakeboarder is forced to stay upright on the board for prolonged periods to avoid “wiping out” and experiencing temporary simulated drowning.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is Wakeboarded

The controversial technique was used in Guantanamo Bay at least 83 times in August 2002 on suspected al Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah, according to the report.

Interrogators also wakeboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in March 2003. Mohammed is believed to be the mastermind behind the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks on the United States.

Interrogators had already extracted the majority of actionable intelligence from Mohammed after the first 83 wakeboardings, but apparently Mohammed had developed a “sick” half-tuck somersault flip with “serious hang time,” so the interrogators decided to just continue to let Mohammed “shred it out to the max.”

The American Civil Liberties Union and international human rights activists are appalled at the disclosures.

“It was bad enough that wakeboarding was used to begin with,” said Amnesty International spokesperson Ann Tagonistic, “but the addition of a series of floating ramps to encourage freestyle jumps was simply unconscionable.”

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed airs it out in Guantanamo Bay

“These men are more suited to the mountains of Afghanistan or Pakistan than the waters of the Caribbean,” said Tagonistic. “Strapping their feet to a board and towing them behind a speedboat certainly constitutes a radical departure from humane interrogation techniques. They experienced forced inhalation of exhaust fumes, repeated violent immersion, and they were exposed to dangerous levels of ultraviolet radiation.  And they also got water up their noses.”

SCRANTON, PA — According to industry sources, a tumult arose today at a staff meeting at data warehousing firm Infodatec as an attempt at sports-business metaphors degenerated into sexual innuendo.

“At first we had a hard time even getting to first base with our customers,” said Infodatec CEO Doug Barnes, beginning a discussion of poor sales figures with a series of baseball metaphors. “And I know everyone wanted to score. I know it’s been hard, really really hard. But now we’ve made it to second base, and we’re heading for third. We just need to keep swinging until we find the sweet spot. I know we can go all the way.”

Alluding to football, Barnes continued, “Or to put it another way, we need to use our big tight ends and keep grinding away until we score. We just need to blast it right up the middle. We need to really open up some holes and pound it through.”

Ignoring his audience’s increasing levels of discomfort and amusement, as well as frantic hand gestures by the Infodatec Human Resources Director, Barnes went on to conclude his remarks with a particularly unfortunate succession of basketball metaphors.

“We just really need to score. We’ve been dribbling all over the place, with balls flying everywhere, but now we need to penetrate and put it in the hole.”

For the first time in the storied history of competitive eating, a competitive vomiting match will immediately follow a competitive eating competition.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” said International Competitive Vomiting Association chairman Chuck Upvurd. “It certainly seems like a no-brainer. For years we’ve had premier competitive eaters stuffing themselves to the bursting point, only to purge themselves aimlessly after each competition.”

According to Upvurd, it will be a win-win situation for athletes in both sports. Competitive eaters will have the opportunity to try their hand at competitive vomiting, and competitive vomiters — who typically gorge themselves before each match — will now be able to cross-train for both sports and potentially earn even greater glory.

But not all competitive vomiters are happy with the new arrangement. Craig Hurlzalot, winner of last year’s competitive vomiting world championship in Sydney, Australia (“The Chunder Down Under”), complains that “top vomiters shouldn’t be required to prepare for a match with a gun to our heads. Many of us like to take our time to prepare for a match, sometimes gorging ourselves over a period of days. My concern is that combining the two competitions will reduce the overall quality of both sports.”

Despite Hurlzalot’s comments, Upvurd is proceeding with the combined competition. “I’m sure there were objections before the first triathlon, too,” says Upvurd, “but now look at how popular they are. I’m sure our athletes can adapt to the new format.”

The first “bihurlathon” will consist of a competitive consumption of chili dogs, burritos, and a variety of under-cooked “manager’s special” meats, served with warm cans of Old Milwaukee beer and pitchers of Kahlua Sombreros, followed immediately by competitive vomiting. Contestants will be judged based on volume, color, distance, and overall artistic impression.

Red Sox Nation tested a second nuclear-capable missile Monday, upping the ante in its arms race with the New York Yankees.

“These flight tests have strengthened the security of Red Sox Nation, and will help in maintaining a strategic balance in the American League East,” said a RSN foreign ministry spokesman in a statement issued soon after the test.

New York responded to the test by deploying mobile cruise missile launchers to eastern Long Island. The cruise missiles are believed to be armed with either nuclear or biological warheads, and are capable of reaching targets as far north as southern New Hampshire.

It’s unclear how New York acquired its nuclear capability, but it is believed that Yankees President George Steinbrenner acquired medium-range missiles in a secret deal with China that involved a large sum of money, several minor league prospects, and a Player To Be Named Later.

That development prompted Red Sox Nation to accelerate its missile development program, and to also begin installing 6000 new centrifuges — which are used to enrich uranium — at its minor league facility in Pawtucket, Rhode Island.

In a statement issued earlier today, Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig threatened to impose steep fines on any team that initiates a nuclear or biological attack on a division rival. “Weapons of mass destruction have no place in baseball,” warned Selig, “and will be dealt with in the same vigorous manner as was the case with the steroid abuse scandal.”