David Hoyle

I had just taken one of those male enhancement pills when someone rang the bell. I opened the door and there were these two guys in suits who said they were Viagra Witnesses. It took me almost four hours to get rid of them.

The question no prisoner wants to hear: “Are you gonna be my girl?”

Least Requested Songs at the State Penitentiary

“(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman” — Aretha Franklin
“I Want You to Want Me” — Cheap Trick
“I’ll Make Love to You” — Boyz II Men
“Three Times a Lady” — The Commodores
“Nobody Wants to be Lonely” — Ricky Martin
“I Need Love” — LL Cool J
“Love to Love You Baby” — Donna Summer
“How Deep is Your Love” — The Bee Gees
“You’re the One That I Want” — John Travolta with Olivia Newton-John
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” — Bonnie Raitt
“Bend Over” — Lil’ Jon
“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” — Jet

And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do, I don’t mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There’s no reason for it — you’ve got to go sometime.

-Pink Floyd, “The Great Gig in the Sky”

When visiting an assisted living facility not too long ago, I noticed they piped music into the dining room and common areas. Really awful music. It actually creeped me out a little bit. It was like they were trying to sound like the mall or something. Only in this case, it was the mall of impending death.

And I thought it was sort of fascist of the management to dictate the music. The residents and their families were coughing up $5000+ a month for rent, so you’d think they’d at least get to make requests. If so, they probably wouldn’t want to hear any of the following songs.

Least Requested Songs at the Assisted Living Facility

“Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” — Bob Dylan
“Don’t Fear the Reaper” — Blue Oyster Cult
“In My Time of Dying” — Led Zeppelin
“The Great Gig in the Sky” — Pink Floyd
“The End” — The Doors
“Maggots in Your Coffin” — Repulsion
“Nice to be Dead” — Iggy Pop
“Spirit in the Sky” — Norman Greenbaum
“Your Time Has Come” — Audioslave
“I Will Follow you into the Dark” — Death Cab for Cutie
“Seasons in the Sun” — Terry Jacks

I was sitting at home in total fear when someone rang the bell. I opened the door and there were these two guys in suits who said they were Agoraphobia Witnesses. I said, “Look guys, I can’t even step outside to talk to you right now.” And they were like, “We were hoping you’d say that.”

Somewhere in a parallel universe, the Kardashians run a septic tank service, pumping out mass quantities of putrid waste each day. So, pretty much the same as here, but much quieter.

I was sitting at home watching TV when someone rang the bell. I opened the door and there were these two guys in suits who said they were Oprah Witnesses. I told them, sorry, Oprah’s not on right now. So they gave me a copy of Oprah magazine and left.